» Call Centres

The other way around, but...
I had a phone call from an Indian guy called 'Steve'. He works for a market surveying company and would spend his day in an office full of other Indians with English names asking anybody that didn't hang up questions about their lifestyle and spending habits. Anyway, I hate cold callers and especially those that keep pushing so they get their commission after I've agreed to take the survey.

Steve : Hello, mynameissteve. howareyoutoday? [that's how he sounded - all the words in one long drawl]
Downhill : Bit busy. Got kids to see to.
Steve : Thatisverynice. Now I ask you some questions. Do you own your home?
Downhill : Sorry, what's this about??

[bloke starts to talk about marketing offers, discounts and prize draw.]

Downhill: Go on then.
Steve : Do you own your own home?
Downhill : Yes
Steve : Are you considering replacing any windows in the near future?
Downhill : No point. I'm blind
Steve : What?
Downhill : I've had them all bricked up as I can't see through them anyway. Keeps the house warmer, too.
Steve : Oh, sorry to hear that. Are there any cars in the household?

[what?]

Downhill : I'm not allowed to drive.
Steve : Sorry to hear that sir.
Downhill : because I'm blind. I'd crash.
Steve : Sorry to hear that sir.
Downhill : I have a motorbike
Steve : And is the insurance due for renewal in the next few months?
DOwnhill : I can't ride it - I'm blind.
Steve : Sorry to hear that sir.

[awkward pause as Steve skips through that chapter of his text]

Steve : do you read any of the following publications - Daily Mail, The Sun, The....
Downhill : I would love to be able to read all off them, but I can't
Steve : Oh, sorry to...
Downhill : ...because I'm blind
Steve : Oh, sorry to hear that sir

[pause]

Steve : Do you have a television in the house?
Downhill : Yes. Somewhere.
Steve : Hmm?
Downhill : I can't find it. I'm blind.
Steve : SO you don't watch it?
Downhill : Of course, not. I'm blind.
Steve : Do you know where your tv is?
Downhill : Yes. It;s in the lounge
Steve : Ok....Do you have any pets?
Downhill : ... I have a dog.
Steve : [relieved that he found something I have in the house] what food does the dog normally have?
Downhill : He doesn't have a regular thing to eat. It varies every day.
Steve : Oh. Is that a medical reason?
Downhill : No. I'm blind and can't read the labels. He's had baked beans 3 times this week.
Steve : Sorry to hear that sir.

[pause as Steve looks for the next section of questions]

Downhill : Is this going to take long?
Steve : Er. no just one more section. What sports do you play?
Downhill : Downhill cycle racing
Steve : And do you do this once a day, once a week or once a month, for example
Downhill : Only done it once.
Steve : You've only started recently?
Downhill : No - but the only time i tried it I hit a tree because I'm blind

[pause]

Steve : You're not really blind are you?
Downhill : And you're not really called Steve are you?
[click!]



Honestly, the conversation went on a lot longer than you took to read it AND I've spared you some of the sections. Honestly, when they have a script to read and they get paid to read it, they pull out all the stops to get it done!

I never apologise for length. I'm lucky to have any.
(Thu 3rd Sep 2009, 17:41, More)

» Political Correctness Gone Mad

Compensation and tribunals are not a substitute for common sense...
Why is it that we have to tiptoe around people that think that they have to be offended simply because somebody makes a reference to their colour or handicap?

Just for the record:

I don't care what fucking colour you are. Really, I don't. I hate some white people just as much as I hate some blacks.

I'm not religious. My mum is, and that's fine. I choose not to believe in a God and have therefore already accepted that I won't be going to heaven (or Hull for that matter).

Wheelchair users are a nuisance. It's not their fault, but then again nor is it mine. When I block a supermarket aisle (whilst slapping the kids legs or debating the beans vs spaghetti for tea for example) or a shop door then I expect people to get frustrated - it's normal . The UK is not very big, most of the buildings are many years old (from WAY before the invention of the wheelchair) and are therefore simply not designed for the Chorltons of the population. We're working on it, but bear with us as it's gonna take a while.

Indians.. why, oh why, is it that when I offer to work for you and offer my price for my effort, time and materials, is it that you have to alter the price for me? If I wanted to haggle, I would start at a price far higher than all of my competitors and then hope you're interested in playing a nice game of 'beat the quote' rather than going to them. I haven't the time for it, and don't want to risk losing business. Accept my quote, get a few others and then make a choice... not let me start work and then try to change the price!

Jews - I have never had a problem with Jews. You know exactly where you are with them.

Now I hate the term Nigger as much as the next man, but it has its place. I wouldn't call every black man a nigger no matter how dark he was - I feel it's all about the attitude of the individual. There is a difference between a white man and a Chav or Pikey for example. There are grades of men depending on their attitude to others, and as such I believe there should be various words to describe them. Maybe the next QOTW should be to suggest new ones if people are too scared to use t he old ones. As a point of interest, I sometimes call my (white) brother "nigger" when he borrows money and doesn't give it back.

Women - some of you are shit at driving and you are a pain in the arse for one week of every month. Now, I love my wife completely, but I have never sent her out to get tampons, chocolate and beer whilst I sit indoors choosing the nights telly viewing, you know? I know that I'm untidy and can't find the washing basket. I also know that the bath mat gives you verucas and must be avoided at all costs. The empty crisp packets are still on the sofa because I was drunk again last night and needed the food to replenish my energy after masturbating into the dishcloth whilst watching the ten minute freeview with the sound off...I could go on, but we all have things we hate about eachother - we should learn to accept them...

Children need beating. Not to within an inch of their lives, but more to break their spirit early as you would with, say, a puppy. Make them manageable and to let them know who's in charge. My children don't swear, answer back, steal from shops, have to be called to the headmasters office, throw things, insult people, abuse others, break things or anything else that Daily Mail readers are regularly up in arms about. There is a healthy respect in the family and it isn't because they got a therapy session and a cuddle when they fucked something up.

Profoundly deaf people - please, if you go to the toilet for a dump and there are hearing people nearby, bear in mind that just because you can't hear the straining noises that you are making, it does not mean you are not making them. I wouldn't wave my hands over the cubicle door at you if I went for one.

Blue badge holders - Okay, so you're disabled and need assistance - that's absolutely fine. Is it really acceptable, though, to park on the corner of junctions, in bus stops, on blind bends or on the pavement? Does common sense not prevail amongst you all? For our foreign friends (if I have any left after this) the blue badge scheme gives certain disabled people the right to park in areas otherwise deemed illegal or unsuitable. This is fine if, say, the car is parked in a no-parking area, but on a pedestrian crossing? Some people use the badges when there is no-one in the car that is disabled, simply to get a better parking space. Why? It's people like you that are giving disabled people a bad name.

Gays are ace. There isn't a single section of the community that has given birth to so many nicknames, insults or identities and that should be recognised! So, well done to all you queers, bumboys, shirt lifters, turd burglars, friends of dorothy, those good with colours, faggots, homos, dykes, carpet munchers, cock suckers, puffs, pouffs, poofs, oscar wildes, mincers, fairies and poo-pushers. We love you all.

Is anybody still reading this, or has a copy of this been sent to some Government department and I'm about to get my back doors kicked in...?

Alright I've stopped.
(Thu 22nd Nov 2007, 18:11, More)

» Petty Sabotage

post natal bladder weakness
Whilst pregnant with our son (Hi, Oscar!) my wife was evil. For the last four months, nothing was ever right, everything was uncomfortable and I had to do everything for her or else my life would be misery forever. Like every doting husband should, I complied fully and put up with it all. Until after the birth.

After the birth, she developed a sudden 'bladder weakness' which meant that she wet the bed nearly every night for about three weeks...well, until I started to feel for bad for pissing on her and making her think she was incontinent....


Okay, so you wanted sabotage, not revenge, but hey - they're kinda related! Sorry, I'll do better next time...
(Wed 11th May 2005, 12:57, More)

» Putting the Fun in Funeral

a good reason to cry
I don't do funerals any more. If I want to see a load of ladies cry, I tell them that I'm married.
(Thu 11th May 2006, 11:01, More)

» Putting the Fun in Funeral

not funny at all
last year my cousin died and so, as you would expect, arrangements were made for his funeral. On the day we all turned out, cars were at the church, flowers were there and everything. Only detail that hadn't been considered was 'who is going to carry the coffin into the church?'. Nobody had been organised, so six of us had to step in, at literaly the last second. I've never carried a coffin before, and let me tell you, I never want to again. Not only was I lugging my dead cousin around, at the last minute, but there was a fault in the coffin and liquid started to seep out. Turned out to be a mixture of embalming fluid and liquifying, decaying, human tissue. Needless to say, it stank. My suit trousers were getting soaked, my hands were covered and I damn near dropped the coffin to throw up.

To this day I can remember that smell. I think I'm going to be sick now....
(Thu 11th May 2006, 10:59, More)