» Well, that taught 'em

Special chocolate dessert
My brother used to eat any decent food before I could get to it. One day, 4x chocolate desserts in plastic pots were bought and within a couple of hours he'd eaten three of them. Knowing he would go for the fourth, I ate it myself having carefully removed the lid.
I stuffed the empty pot with bog paper I'd just wiped my arse on, then glued the lid back on with superglue and replaced the pot in the fridge. Sure enough, within 20 minutes he'd made off with it to his room to eat, and I was rewarded with a loud cry of disgust at the contents of the pot.
(Fri 27th Apr 2007, 16:19, More)

» Shit Stories: Part Number Two

Khaki floater of doom
Many years ago I had to go on a family holiday to Greece, and whilst on a trip to the beach the foreign food did what foreign food does. Unfortunately for me, there were no public bogs anywhere on this beach and apparently no cover whatsoever. The only solution appeared to be to swim out to sea and release the turd as far from shore as possible. The turd turned out to be rather large and a pale khaki colour that made it easy to see. It did, of course, float, and immediately headed for shore.
I swam in as fast as I could, intending to find some sort of receptacle so that I could scoop it up and hide it before someone noticed, but I was too slow. As I reached the shore the turd floated past the face of another swimmer. He turned out to sea to find the culprit and spotted my mother and brother in the vicinity of where I had released it, who received a shaken fist and some foreign curses for "their" filthy deed.
(Fri 28th Mar 2008, 17:11, More)

» Misunderstood

Pox on you for an RAC call-centre drone.
I once had the misfortune to crash my motorcycle by riding over a diesel spill, and encounter a most annoying misunderstanding when trying to get the RAC out to assist. The telephone conversation went on for a few minutes, but the gist of it was:

Me: Please send a trailer to recover my bike, because I have crashed it.
Them: What's wrong with it?
Me: I've crashed it and it needs to be towed away.
Them: Is it rideable?
Me: No, I slipped on a diesel spill and sent it down the road. It's knackered.
Them: What's wrong with it?
Me: The handlebars are twisted, the radiator smashed and leaking and the gear lever broken off. Amongst other damage.
Them: We'll send someone out to look at it.
Me: Just send a trailer - the damage can't be fixed at the roadside.
Them: OK. Where are you.
Me: On the Axx, N miles outside such-and-such a city, outside $PUB.

An hour later (and it was raining) the repairman turned up without any trailer. He had not been told the road, only a pub name, and managed to guess where it was. He expressed great surprise at the state of the bike as he'd been told that the only problem with it was that it was leaking petrol. He went back to base for his trailer and took me home, and on the way back the bastards at RAC control 'phoned him up to complain that he was taking too long to fix my problem.
(Tue 11th Oct 2005, 19:46, More)

» Personal Hygiene

Oral hygene
At a computer fair in Blackbird Leys I saw a stall holder whose teeth were covered in greenish fur, rather like moss. What little of the teeth could be seen beneath was a brown colour.His breath stank like an open sewer.
(Wed 28th Mar 2007, 15:32, More)

» Your Weirdest Teacher

The effects of improper dress
At my school, a shirt and tie was compulsory. The regulations stipulated that all buttons of the shirt were to be done up. One mathematics teacher would refuse to answer any question asked by a pupil whose shirt he could see to be improperly fastened, and would say "I can't hear you, boy - your top button is undone."

The school chaplain was arrested for cottaging and one English teacher enjoyed punishing boys with a horsewhip, but that's probably not very weird at that sort of school.
(Fri 11th Nov 2005, 14:55, More)