» Crap meals out

Cairns Kebab Massacre.....
Again not strictly on topic as it was more of a take away experience than a sit down fiasco. While I was living in Australia 'way up norf' I used to go to a most excellent bar/nightclub called 'The Woolshed' also known as 'The backpackers Royal Dance Academy'. Anyhoo after another night of jug after jug of Victoria Bitter I leave the place at around 3am with a hunger so great I considered ringing Bob Geldof to stage a concert. I stopped at one of the many kebab/pizza counters along the esplanade and bought myself a lovely chicken kebab with plenty of garlic sauce and other assorted sauces lovingly wrapped in flimsy style takeaway paper. I start to drunkenley zig-zag my way back to my place munching on said kebab and pluck my eybrows and call me sally if I don't keep having to pick little bits of sauce soaked paper out of my teeth. But I've got the beer hunger so it's more than worth putting up with. I get to my front door and have one of those moments of drunken clarity thinking that I don't want to stain my nice jeans with all the sauce on my fingers, so kebab finished I look into one hand for a napkin and there's nothing to be found, 'bloody skinflits' thinks I. Nevermind I'll make the best job I can with the wrapper the kebab came in, I look into the other hand an all I see is kebab sauces and a set of keys. Now I'm normally a bit of a 'save the planet'/ 'keep the country tidy' type of bloke anyway, but especially so now that I was living in Oz and everywhere is so tidy. Gradually it dawns on me and I think to myself,"You sad greedy pissed-up bastard" Yep, I'd eaten it, a sheet of soggy kebab wrapper about the size of a sheet of A4 paper.

Got to say it made me feel pretty queasy but nothing matched the dissapointment the morning after when I went for my moring bathroom routine. I sat exciteley on the pot and let rip and turned to look in the bowl with a wide eyed, excited expreesion a kid has opening a window on their advent calender, you guessed it no little gift wrapped poo presents as I was expecting just your run of the mill morning after Golgothen shit demon.


Length? You wouldn't want it on your nose as a wart!!
(Wed 3rd May 2006, 10:00, More)

» School fights

Right, outside Silverland chippy at 4 o'clock!!!!
There are some brilliant tales of schoolyard battles on here. From the compulsory FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT !! Mantra that brings back a lot of memories lol. To the two poor buggers standing with a circle of about 100 round them baying for blood and looking at eachother trying to work out how the hell they got there, ending up in a fight just so they don't dissapoint the spectators.

I think the funniest thing about the northwest school I went to (where the main school sport semmed to be gymnastics??? WTF?!?!?) is that the neanderthals who went there to practise fighting so when they do leave school and somebody pushes in front of them in the giro Q they can beat them up is the fact that they're probably walking round the pub saying the same shit. A lot of people on here have been mentioning names and saying they would like to meet up with their bully again now, good on you!

I guarantee half the jobless dole scum pie eating pricks I went to school with are still running onto the bus as fast as they can so they can sit at the back just like they did on numerous school trips, Jesus, for most of them Frontier Land for a day was probably their equivalent to a fortnight in Monaco...........

As a perfect example of bully mentality this event sticks in my mind, short version (although it was over in a matter of seconds...) was told to me by witnesses like this:

One of our school idiots hears a new kid is joining our school. On new kid's arrival (15 yo) Our idiot walks up to him after hearing a story about how new kid once put a cat in the oven (so must be hard) and asks,"Do you think putting a cat in a oven makes you tough?".
New kid, "No my mother had died at the time and I had a lot of problems and was on medicati........." Smack! says our idiot, "Well I think your mother's a c*nt!"

We never saw new kid again.........

God I bet that particular bully is still at that school in the free dinner queue!

Apologise for length?.........my dear, it's only half way in!
POP!
(Thu 16th Mar 2006, 13:05, More)

» Teenage Parties

Party at Walshy's
17 years old............
My friend asked me what I wanted from the off licence to which my stupid reply was,"Just get whatever you like but nothing stupid"
One family sized economy bottle of 'Stock' and and more herb that my young virgin lungs had ever experienced later and I have my head down the toilet for the next 3-4 hours. Great days eh, ten years on and I'm still waiting for a night as good as that one.

Tell you one thing though as a wise man once said, "I'll take puking session from booze over a 'whitey' any day of the week!!"
(Fri 14th Apr 2006, 11:08, More)