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Puns are the highest form of humour.










The eternally effervescent Hedgehog from Hell wrote a lovely limerick about me:

There once was a man called Fitznicely
Who criticised all poems thricely
His favourite antic
Was to be pedantic
And point out the flaws in them wisely

Incidentally I was talking about a limerick when that infernal, spiky creature of the night decided to write this. Meta or what?

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» Worst Band Ever

MUSE (nowadays)
They used to be really good, releasing at least two really solid albums of innovative abrasive prog-tinged hard rock that stand out as two of the best rock albums of the 21st century: Origin of Symmetry and Absolution.

Then I saw that they had released the song "Starlight", an offensively banal piece of saccharine tripe that sounded like the mutant unwanted love-child of Keane and Take That.

Since then they have released nothing absolute carp. Their last album was pure self-indulgent, self-parodying camp-as-Christmas tomfoolery. They now sound like queen. And bewilderingly/depressingly they have subsequently become more popular than ever.
(Thu 30th Dec 2010, 22:27, More)

» The Soundtrack of your Life

Senility, dementia and Rock & Roll.
Some time last autumn I was sat alone on a bus when I heard British Sea Power's epic "Remember Me" for the first time. The lyrics of the song moved me deeply. In fact I cried. Here's why:

My Granddad (who's now 96! Cripes!) has for a long time been slowly losing his mind. Every time they have come to visit him, he has been accusing his infinitely patient family members of stealing from him and even plotting his death by attempting to starve him, so that they might get his house after his death (which is owned by the council in any case). He was rude and downright racist to the poor nurses who were charged with visiting him to check up on him (and silently absorb his venomous abuse). Meanwhile he has become increasingly unable to look after himself in his own house.

Our family decided it was best he moved into a home, which (being an extremely stubborn Pole) he was absolutely dead against. After coming out of hospital following a particularly nasty fall they tricked him into visiting a home and staying the night, so he thought they were breaching his human rights (which to be fair, they were a bit). He hasn't left yet, and this was in November 2009.
My Granddad is a constant source of lament for my members and a huge emotional drain on my mother (who visits him most days, followed by an obligatory bitch about him and his hateful, demented, stubborn antics to her sister, who visits him when my mother doesn't). It's not my Granddad's fault of course. He's simply a lonely and depressed old man who never got over the death of his wife (16 years ago now) who's body is growing increasingly decrepit and mind growing steadily more enfeebled. He resents the way my family treat him like a child but nowadays lacks the eloquence and presence of mind to express this. He treasures the fantasy that a member of our family (my mum's sister, a divorcee) will give up their life, move into his house and look after him full time, and is filled with nothing but spite and resentment towards us because this hasn't happened yet (and truthfully never will). He' a truly miserable cunt and it would be better for both him and us if he just keeled over and died. I hope to God I don't get that old.

Anyone who's familiar with the song "Remember Me" will know what why it resonated so. It's a tragic song that explores the the process of ageing and inevitable mental decline. Here's the first verse if you
haven't heard it:

"Do you worry about your health?
Do you watch it slowly change?
And when you listen to yourself, does it feel like somebody else?
And did you notice when you began to disappear,
Was it slowly at first
Until there was nobody really there?
Increment by increment..."

Sorry for length/lack of hilarity. Writing this has been rather cathartic though.
(Wed 3rd Feb 2010, 20:28, More)

» Addicted

TEA!
I'm on about 6-7 cups a day. Without it i start to suffer withdrawal symptoms and I now need it JUST TO FEEL NORMAL!
However when I was a kid it used to be coffee, until i realised it was the reason I could never sleep at night...
So in effect I have moved from heroin to methadone.
Would love to write more but I have a powerful hankerin' for a cuppa
(Thu 18th Dec 2008, 18:34, More)

» Sexism

RAPE!
is a sexist word apparently.
A couple of girls went mental at me for using the word casually because they found it offensive. I swiftly retorted, saying:
"people use the word murder casually all the time, eg: 'I could murder a kebab etc' and I'm sure a person whose son or daugter had been murdered would find that offensive. Should we stop saying that too?"
One of them quickly replied saying: "yes they should".

Humourless bitch. Still, retorting probably only made me look like a twat. One can't win in these situations.
(Sun 27th Dec 2009, 22:02, More)

» Sexism

MUSIC
I have rather large and eclectic collection of music that I've plundered from the interwebs over the years (about 50 Gig) mainly consisting of rock, indie and electronica.
One startling thing I've noticed is that I only have the work of one female musician (Bjork) and only about 2 albums on which a female singer features prominently. Usually women, where they do exist in the music I own are made to content themselves with the position of bassist or drummer.

This can't be simply because I don't enjoy female singing. Lots of the music I listen to is electronic and so has no vocals (such as Aphex Twin or BoC). As far as I am aware there are no female producers of this kind of music. Of course there must be, but I've not heard of any.
WHY IS THIS!?!?
One hypothesis is that teenage girls just aren't as geeky as boys, meaning that they don't spend days and days sat alone with computers or with their friends in grotty studios producing music. Or maybe it's very difficult to market the work of a woman who isn't highly visible & attractive.
Hmmmm.

Sorry for length/ incoherence of argument.
(Sun 27th Dec 2009, 20:18, More)
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