» Pathological Liars

Back in the day
a mate of mine said he wasn't allowed out because a man and a woman had been 'raked' on his road.
The story really came to life when he informed me of the chilling 'bloody rake marks' that had striped his quiet cul-de-sac.
His ignorance of sexual violence terminology gave the game away slightly.
(Wed 5th Dec 2007, 16:50, More)

» Missing body parts

I *nearly* lost my eyelid
when i was about 9. I was having a play fight with my mate at school and he thought it would be a great element of the game to take advantage of the fact he had put me to the ground and leap, knee- first, onto my skull!
He pushed my forebrow through my eyelid and it was held on by a strand on each side! I could see through my eyelid! Wooaah!
Cue blood and going into shock. Best bit was puking all over my most hated teacher! Result!
(Fri 2nd Jun 2006, 21:09, More)

» Celebrities part II

Paul Zenon
My housemate got Paul Zenon's number off a woman he met in a pub who claimed the 90s TV magician had given her his number after chatting her up unsuccessfully. Said housemate left a series of messages confessing a deep obsession with Zenon that he has had since childhood. The next morning we thought nothing of it until we bumped into Zenon in a local sainsburys, convinced that he was using his magic skillz to intimidate him, my housemate called and left an apologetic message later that night. But forgot to withhold the number he called from: my number.

I got the funniest message on my answerphone from Paul Zenon, saying that the number was 'a business number', that it wasn't 'cool to ring this number at all hours when you're pissed up and trying to impress your mates'. Fair enough. But don't give out your business number to tarts in bars, Paul.
(Fri 9th Oct 2009, 20:37, More)

» My first experience of porn

Kids wear tighty whities for a reason...
Recycling day was every Thursday at my school. This meant that the kids would bring a weeks worth of their family's old newspapers and being in the area that my school was there were not many copies of 'The Guardian' or 'The Independant' (not classist, just true). No, it was mostly copies of 'The People' and 'The Sun', so being a little perv i would search through said papers for the "Kayleigh from Bristol thinks kittens are fluffy" articles and hide them in my pants all folded up for the duration of the day to take home where i hid them in an Argos lockable treasure chest along with stolen metal dustcaps. Needless to say i got busted by Mr. Hoskins who contacted my parents, but they never found the key to my argos treasure chest... Bonza.
May require word lube for the width.
(Sat 27th Jan 2007, 12:24, More)

» Useless advice

While out in London the other day...
my good friend Tom, concerned by my lack of confidence while crossing the road in the big city, advised me that when tackling a public highway by foot, you should 'stand your ground'.
Mental.
(Mon 23rd Oct 2006, 0:08, More)