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» Embarrassing Injuries

Not good
I used be an Ice hockey goalkeeper - I took a slapshot in the nuts at a training session from the distance of about 3 metres. Goalies wear big "boxes" to protect their manhood and abdominal area. Did the fucking puck not just move the box and encroach upon my man bags! Jesus H Christ! The pain ... I was levelled for the next half hour, on the ice trying to be sick. Showering after that was fun. My left test swelled to the size of an apple - The next day the doc told me to take three days off and insisted that i have no "funny business" with the wife - It's great when old doc's speak like that :)
(Thu 2nd Sep 2004, 12:03, More)

» Singing the wrong words

Tina Turner
What's gloves got to do, got to do with it? What's gloves but a can of white emulsion?
(Fri 28th Jan 2005, 2:37, More)

» My Worst Vomit

Tatties o'er the side
Went out to watch the Scotland Brazil game in the first round of the 98 world cup. This was about 4pm - got taxied home at about 3am and fell in the garden - Cunted. Got covered in ornamental bark chippings and dragged them all up the stairs. Puked (violently) into the toilet and woke my (now ex) wife by snoring loudly and echously into the bowl. This isn't about the vom - this is about the triumph over the bitch. The snoring must have been fucking hilarious - i woke her at about 4 am :)
(Fri 20th Aug 2004, 14:50, More)

» Slang Survey

A Buckie flick
When ones thumb is lodged up a womans rear and index finger is firmly placed inside the front bottom - then try snapping yer fingers :)
(Mon 2nd Feb 2004, 14:44, More)

» Singing the wrong words

Picture it ...
Christmas 1992, St Machar Academy, Aberdeen. Last day of school - Final School assembly of the year.

We always had to sing nonsense religious tunes "of the season" before we could feck off home at 3pm. This particular year tho "Sing hosannah ..." became "Sing ye wanker, sing ye wanker, sing ye wanker yer a fuckin' prick". Sung by the whole entire balcony - teachers included. Everyone was pissing themselves laughing afterwards. The heedie wisna too chuffed.
(Sun 30th Jan 2005, 16:26, More)
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