» I witnessed a crime

Scruffism, a dying art?
A few years back at secondary, the accepted school idiot was a lad called Jonathan, ugly enough that our biology teacher quipped, 'I take it one of your parents was a potato.' (I'm pretty sure he got sacked a few months later for racism.) Jonathan was a bit of a retard, and trying to look like a hardnut, crushed up a packet of refreshes, used a ruler to make lines, and then snorted it. A few months later in town with my best mate, we spot mate's dad, a PC on duty. About to say 'Hi', we see him sprint off in the direction of Jonathan who was in the doorway of Cooplands. He was smoking what looked to be the biggest spliff ever, and started running when he saw PC Keith. He sprinted 10 metres then tripped on the curb. Mate's dad took a look at the spliff which turned out to be a lit chicken leg wrapped up in a sheet of newspaper.
(Wed 20th Feb 2008, 1:21, More)

» Blood

Trick or Treat
A few Halloweens ago my Mum answered the door to a grubby little kid with some red horns and a comedy knife. When he said 'Trick or treat.' my mum replied, 'I'll have the trick please.' This seemed to confuse the poor lad and after a few seconds thought he replied, 'Give us a treat or I'll bleed on your doorstep.' We gave him a yorkie and told him to piss off.
(Tue 12th Aug 2008, 15:47, More)

» Will you go out with me?

Current
I met my current girlfriend about six weeks ago at a friends party. It was a bit of a shitfest but things started looking up as I got more inebriated. I saw a good looking redhead and wandered over for a chat. Things were going well, she was single and seemed to like me, so I got her to come for a walk outside. Just as we reached the driveway a police car pulled up and stopped 20 metres ahead of us. My brain in it's drink addled state told me to fucking leg it. Obviously this would not make the police suspicious in any way. I grabbed Sarah, for that is her name, and ran for it. I ran to the bottom of the garden with Sarah and we hopped the fence and bolted into next doors garden. Thinking quick I made the executive decision that we would hide in the shed, which was unlocked and empty. After waiting it out for half an hour I decided the coast would be clear. We crept out of the shed and around the large garden until we reached the road. Sarah asked me to walk her back to her house which was about a mile down the road. I obliged and although she didn't invite me in we swapped numbers and she said she would call when she was more sober.

As I was walking back to the party I heard people shouting and when I got nearer I realised they were calling my name. A few of my mates had come looking for me after they saw me run for it, and thought I might have fallen down a ditch or something. They then explained the police presence. A burnt out car had been abandoned near the house and the police wanted to know if it belonged to one of us. They weren't trying to arrest us as I had thought, they even came inside and watched some of the lads playing guitar hero before going off to catch some real criminals.

Sarah phoned me the next day and I decided to leave out the real reason behind the police 'raid'. I told her it was due to reports of drug use and disturbing the peace. When I asked her out she said yes, 'How can I turn the guy who saved me from a criminal record down?' She still doesn't know.

Length? She seems satisfied.
(Sat 30th Aug 2008, 0:44, More)

» I Drank Meths (pointless teenage things you did to shock)

mr watson
At school i had a history teacher called mr watson, he was about 60 and pretty senile. He always wore a black suit and brushed up against the chalk board covering himself. One day i drew out and shaded a huge cock on the board, he never understood why everyone was laughing at him later that day.
(Mon 23rd Jul 2007, 1:42, More)

» Common

Personal Injuries
When I did some work experience at a local

firm of solicitors I sat in with a few of the

clients. The personal injuries work involved

the most common of commoners. A fat woman

40 and was dressed in a tracksuit came to the

firm and brought her 20 something daughter

with her. The daughter also had 2 kids and

they apparently all lived in the same house.

The woman tells us that she works in Morrisons

in the bakery section and that she injured her

back. By slipping on chicken fat. I pretty

laughed in her face, even though I probably

shouldn't have, but she was the definition of

common.
(Sun 19th Oct 2008, 22:21, More)