» B3TA fixes the world

I'm not religionist but...
Radical Islam is almost exclusively practised by young males who are, incidentally, forbidden to masturbate by their religion. Now it might just be me but I would imagine that living in a highly sexualised society , surrounded every day by titillating and suggestive media and not being able to satisfy natural urges would lead to a state of constant, seething frustration and resentment. Frustration and resentment that might drive a young, testosterone charged follower to try and destroy an establishment representative of the depravity and licentiousness of infidel society like err...Tiger Tiger. Glad they didn't check the parking restrictions, twats.

But seriously, a lot of lives could be saved in the Middle East if one could polish the pork-sword with The Prophet's permission.
(Sat 24th Sep 2011, 1:04, More)

» Bullshit and Bullshitters

Granddad and the hole in his skull
Grampy Smegington was a bit of a fibber. He told me that once an astronaut farted and the resulting increase in pressure inside his space suit (?) caused him to become detached from his air-tube, the only thing connecting him to the space shuttle. He went into orbit and sometimes his suit is visible to the naked eye as he passes over. Now that one's over, on to the grizzly shizzle.

He had a jaffa cake-sized portion of his skull missing (true, I felt it) which he claimed to be a war wound. However, my Dad told me he was discharged from the front as soon as the first nearby shell was fired. Why? Because it turned out there was a large hole in his skull making him sensitive to loud noises and causing him to pass out every time a gun was fired (cap guns aren't loud enough, I tried).

So where did Granddad's mystery hole come from? The acceptable story the family stuck to was that as a child in India (his parents were colonial types) the family home was attacked by guerilla fighters, and as his father fled with him in his arms a stray bullet just caught the top of his head but he survived.

The 'true' version is a little darker, but more likely. Apparently his mother was a severely paranoid schizophrenic, and, convinced he was an utterly evil baby and instrument of Satan, took a hunting rifle and shot him in the head while he slept.

She must have been in a state to miss an easy shot like that. What's the saying? 'Easy as shooting a sleeping baby in the head', or something.

But still to this day, I wonder if the 'real' version of events is actually true, I've only been told this by my Dad and he is, after all, his father's son.

Bit of a weird thing to invent for the sake of it though.
(Thu 13th Jan 2011, 22:38, More)

» Things to do before you die

Plenty of lube, I'm a first timer
Finally be able to look at the squiggly line burned into my peripheral vision by that twat with the laser pen.

Discover a method for shaking/squeezing/vacuuming out every single drop of urine thus preventing the inevitable plib of wee-wee from escaping the glans just after enpantment.

Actually say something when a gobbet of someone else's spit lands on your face mid-conversation (my boss is a MILF but has too much saliva in her mouth. Not sure if it turns me on).

Give Dappy from 'NnnnnnnDubz' a space-wedgie (bungie cord and a rocket).

Stuff a chicken without thinking about microwaving it to 37.5 degrees and sexing it up necro-poultry-style.
(Wed 20th Oct 2010, 23:00, More)