» Lies that went on too long

fame and driving in los angeles
earlier in my student days, one year i went to the states sans green card, and i took a job as a messenger boy/delivery man for a snooty company that worked around the more affluent areas of the city and had the contracts for the more secure deliveries. i’ll never forget the time we screwed up a major order for a cooker that just had to be there on time for the lead singer of the group no doubt (yes, platinum blond her). i remember her manager screaming down the phone threatening to sue and all sorts of shit because of the delay but in the end we appeased him by promising to bung him a free one, cheap cunt, but unfortunately no matter what the arrival would be delayed a few weeks, and this being the end of june, we gave them the next month as a delivery date.
now the same day i also had to take an important expensive as fuck parcel to a certain no facial expressions Cher, who (not a well known fact) has a huge and priceless badge and brooch collection and was waiting on the delivery of a 1960 rarity from tennessee or some shit like that.
now you may or may not know that these mansions have a common tradesman's entrance round the back (chortle), and you can imagine my amazement at pulling up, getting out of the van with the receipts for the cooker and the badges and getting a full on view of ms stefani, fully stretched out as naked as the day she fell from her mommy's chute, sunbathing shamelessly in her back garden, just as ex mrs bono came out onto her rear porch.
i'll never forget those first few words that i delivered to these rich and famous wenches, etched invisible in the air for all eternity.
gwen. july. your oven. have two. keep lying.
cher, your pin.
(Sat 10th Mar 2012, 8:37, More)

» School Days

kevin the psyko
kevin c******n was his name and he was in trouble from the first day at school. Everyone knew him. Somehow he managed to make it through to fifth year in our rather elite school. I could fill a million webpages with his dastardly deeds, but his crowning moment was when one day in business studies he whipped his langer out and proceeded to piss out the window on jim from maintenance who was climbing up a ladder at the time. Needless to say Jim was not impressed, and what we couldn't believe was the bollocks on Kevin, as Jim also happened to take the after school karate and judo classes. He was beetroot red for about three days straight, you could see the vein on his forehead from about 3 miles away he was that angry, until one day he came in looking oddly content, and Kevin showed up later with the juiciest shiner I ever saw in my life. Ho hum the best days of our lives
(Sun 1st Feb 2009, 18:09, More)

» Shit Claims to Fame II

rude harrison ford
he bumped into me on the tube platform, although to be fair to him i wasn't lookng where i was going. i also didn't recognise him until a friend pointed him out. if you're reading this harry, sorry.
(Thu 20th Sep 2012, 20:03, More)