» Rubbish Towns

This place in America...
I got posted there for my new job. When I arrived, the first person I saw was lying dead in the road and being eaten by the local wildlife. I heard a noise behind me and these 3 really weird people were walking towards me. Well, I say walking, it was more of a shuffle...then from behind, someone grabbed my ankle and tried to bite me!

I put a bullet in his head yet that didn't deter the rest of them, and I tried shooting them but that barely slowed them down! I dived down a dark alley and next thing I know, I'm aiming at this cute little redhead with another one of those things behind her. She ducks and I drop him in one shot.

We dive out the alley and find a car to head to my office. As we're headed there, we exchange names and smalltalk, and I find out she's looking for her brother, who I assume is a resident in this place. We pull out in front of this petrol tanker as she finds a gun in the glove compartment. Suddenly, another one of those things dives out from the back seat as we approach a T-Junction. I miss the junction and we smash into a lamp-post. The thing goes through the windscreen and as we're checking for injuries, we have to dive out the car as the petrol tanker barrels into us and explodes!!

We get split up and I tell her to head to my office...and to cut a long story short, we meet up at the office and find out that a multi-national pharmaceutical company has released some sort of virus, which turned the locals into what they called zombies! We manage to escape with the only other survivor, a young girl.

After we escaped, I joined a government agency, and you really don't want to know where they sent me next!
(Sat 31st Oct 2009, 18:57, More)

» Turning into your parents

I'm completely beyond all help...
...as I'm not turning into my parents, thankfully.

I'm turning into my grandparents :(

I'm slowly turning into a tightwad, trawling round the local ASDA at 3.30pm on a Sunday to find all the chilled meat that goes out of date that day so I can get it for 30p rather than £4.50, getting the cheapest brand of whatever I need to save 10p here and 20p there, when I used to just buy the stuff that tasted the nicest or was the most expensive.

There's other things as well, little stupid things that you don't notice til a QOTW like this comes up: constantly flicking channels on the Sky (my grandfather is famous within my family for doing this), telling my better half to drive slowly, a lack of enthusiasm to go out "clubbing".

However, what's really making the world turn upside down...they're turning into me. Facebook profiles, email jokes, MSN accounts, Online Banking, watching porn online (sitting on your nan's computer and typing the letter "p" into Firefox only to be confronted with "Mature Woman takes it up the arse!" is fucking scary). Next thing I know, they'll be lurking here like I was. That's a fucking scary thought.

*first post. feel free to torture me.*
(Wed 6th May 2009, 5:11, More)

» I don't understand the attraction

Far, far too many to list here, and most have already been done, but the worst are...
Reality TV - why the fuck do the uneducated masses love this ream of shite that is constantly on the fucking box? Give b3ta a channel to run, I bet we could come up with something better without having to try.

Facebook games - They're all shit, end of. I don't want to know what you're serving in your cafe/who you're "killing" in your "Mafia"/what your previous insect life was. Although they do have Connect 4...

Textspeak/viral texts - Fucking learn to type properly. If it's too long for a text, save your time and fucking ring me. If it's a viral text, I'm likely to delete you from my contacts for sending it.

Alcohol - (backstory) I don't drink. See profile for why (/backstory) Stop trying to force me to drink. For the 8365473rd time, I don't want a pint. Get me a fucking orange juice. And on that note, why are soft drinks more expensive than alcoholic drinks? Fucking discriminatory...
(Fri 16th Oct 2009, 21:57, More)

» Amazing displays of ignorance

One from the ex.
We were both playing poker at the time and discussing percentages. She then pops up with "What's 5% of 100?"

Automatically, I answer before realising just what the hell she said. It wouldn't have been funny if it wasn't for the fact she has A Levels in Maths.

She's now a teacher. That school is doomed!
(Fri 19th Mar 2010, 15:25, More)

» Sexual fetishes

Compared to some of you lot I'm rather boring
Most of mine are already up here; redheads, curvy women, decent pair of tits etc but I do have a thing for being caught in a compromising position by a random person off the street, never really understood that one, especially as I hate the thought of being caught naked. It's even better if she's wearing a skirt, doesn't bother undressing and is there with tits hanging out of her top riding me.

That and the usual fun of tying up a woman and teasing her until she's begging for it, can't go wrong there.
(Thu 22nd Oct 2009, 21:12, More)