» I hurt my rude bits

Somebody call a paramedic!
Not actually my story, but I was there to witness the events...

Playing footy on a cold january day, one of my fellow defenders received what can only be called "a kick in the knackers". He eventually gets back up and we play on. After a couple of minutes, one of the opposing side turned to him and pointed out that the front of his shorts were somewhat bloody. The victim merely stated that he knew, but was afraid to look.

During the post match shower, his dick started to resemble a lightbulb, so off to the hospital he went. We, being considerate team members, buggered off to the pub.

Turns out that he had split the shaft, though not too seriously. This apparently is a fairly uncommon injury, so whilst in the hospital, the doctor asked if he could show someone else as it was rare. Expecting an expert to come in, the victim was somewhat surprised to find a group of 20 medical students poking at this privates for about half and hour!

The only comment he made afterwards was that his missus was going to kill him, but he hoped the swelling would remain...
(Mon 17th Jul 2006, 12:51, More)

» Best Comebacks

I usually go for something offensive
There's been so many that I've used that have shut people up (telling an ex "I'd tell you to shove it up your arse but you already did that" was a goodun) but I think the winner was

"You're only upset because I've seen your mother naked"

which lead to someone being lost for words whilst foaming at the mouth!
(Thu 29th Apr 2004, 14:33, More)

» On the stage

Elizabeth Regina
As a kid I was in a play called Elizabeth Regina. I was too young to appreciate the potential humour in this, but that's not really the story... Everyone had to go to the audition, but I really, really didn't want to be in it. Naturally I was made the male lead.

We performed the play a number of times and got invited to perform at the Little Theatre in Bristol. All I can remember about this was getting on stage for the first scene and tripping over. After that I have no memory whatsoever. I have a newspaper clipping that says I was rather good though! I then failed to turn up for the second night as my Mum was worried about how nervous I had become...

Finally, to add to the fun, Points West, the local news service, invited us to perform the play on Plymouth Ho and recorded it. The only bit they showed on TV was me, dancing in a pair of tights and a ruff...

As you can imaging, the emotional scars run deep...
(Fri 2nd Dec 2005, 12:06, More)

» Stuff You've Overheard

Hmmmmm
too many really, but as it's relevant

www.themanwhofellasleep.com/gossip.html
(Thu 10th Jun 2004, 14:50, More)