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NEWSLETTER: "TOO MUCH GREAT STUFF TO POSSIBLY SUM UP IN ONE LINE OF PUNCHY COPY"

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This Week:
* EXPLODE - Aerosol balloon bomb
* WEEBL - Has a good wank
* NAZIS - Hugo Boss fashion shock

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________  ____ __  ___
____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ |      
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |      "We're saving the
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|       web... together"

B3ta email 235 - 30 Jun 2006

Read this issue in your browser:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue235/

       Subscribe:  b3ta-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
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: SPONSORED LINK
  Save British Design
 
  The British Design Council want to make sure
  British design stays on top of its game and
  they want your help. Have your say by
  completing their short questionnaire and
  joining in the debate.
http://snipurl.com/kpbritshdesignalive

  >> Sponsor B3ta <<
  Want this space? Then talk to us.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/


-------------------------------------------------

: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
  eBay date, Fire-bomb and Wanking

  >> eBay a date <<
  McPete pleads, "Could you link to my item in
  the newsletter? I've been stood up for a ball
  and need to find a replacement in the next two
  weeks else I'm £70 out of pocket." Heh, not a
  problem McPete. And we're sure you haven't
  been stood-up due to your handsome looks.
http://snipurl.com/ebaydate


  >> Aerosol fire-bomb <<
  "Although the newsletter in question was a few
  weeks ago", confides spacedmango, "I've made
  something involving an aerosol can. It's quite
  dangerous and I wouldn't condone anyone else
  ever doing it... I'm actually regretting it, as
  I now have no hair on my right arm and the
  hair on my head is singed."
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l0WAa2hPDLo


  >> Weebl wanking shock <<
  It's a weird thing to contemplate Jonti
  Picking masturbating, considering he has no
  genitalia and no hands. Errr we mean Weebl.
http://www.weebls-stuff.com/wab/stains/


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: NAZI FASHION WATCH
  Wearing Hugo Boss? You're wearing fascism

  A bloke said to us the other day, "You know
  why SS Nazi uniforms looked so cool? They were
  designed by Hugo Boss."

  We thought this was just mental stoner babble,
  but nope, wikipedia agrees.

  "Hugo Boss established his company in
  Metzingen, Germany, in 1923, only a few years
  after the end of World War I. Before and
  during World War II, Mr. Boss's company both
  designed and manufactured uniforms and attire
  for the troops, officers and other
  governmental branches of Nazi Germany,
  including the SS. It is likely that the
  factory used forced labour."
  
  
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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
  The most cash I've ever carried
  
  Last week we asked for the stories behind the
  biggest wads of cash you've ever seen:
http://b3ta.com/questions/themostcashevercarried/

  Here's three stories of sums small, medium
  and scarily large.

  * Eighty seven pounds and forty two pence
    "I had not long turned six and was counting
    up my birthday money. My relatives had all
    given me some money, which all amounted to
    £87.42. With all this money, I decided that
    what I really wanted was a stereo. So, my
    mum takes me down to Comet and we have a
    look around. Then I see it. The stereo
    that I wanted. Needed. It was tall, black
    and shiny. The edges were sleek and it had
    big shining buttons on the front. We get
    it and go to the counter to pay. I take my
    £87.42 out of my dungarees pocket but
    unfortunately, being only six, I'm too
    small to reach the counter top. So my mum
    says she will pay. I take home my brand
    new shiny stereo and the £2.43 left over.
    A week later as I'm struggling to take my
    sparkling stereo upstairs to my bedroom,
    "What are you doing with that stereo?"
    "I'm taking it to my bedroom." "Why?"
    "Because it's mine and I want to listen
    to it in my bedroom." "Is it yours? It
    cost a lot of money, I don't think you
    did pay for it. I gave the man all that
    money, didn't I?" It stayed in the living
    room and I was most upset. My mum still
    claims that she paid for it, but I'll
    never forget what really happened, and
    when the time comes, I'm going to pick
    out the most hideous nursing home..."
    (Fluffy elephants)
     
  * Midget butt cheeks
    "The largest amount of cash I have had was
    £1000 to buy a second hand computer. I
    handed over my passport to the cashier as
    ID, and out fell a playing card which my
    flatmate had thoughtfully hidden inside.
    It was the six of diamonds, and the picture
    on it was of a grinning naked midget,
    looking over his shoulder and spreading
    his butt cheeks. There was also a hand
    written note saying "I am a ginger nobbler".
    The now hysterical cashier called at least
    four of his colleagues away from customers
    to come and have a look. The computer I
    bought broke after a month and the vendor
    couldn't be traced. My flatmate remains
    unrepentant." (browser)
     
  * Half a million dollars. In my kitchen.
    "I once worked on a project in an African
    American section of Miami, that required
    paying quite a large number of workers
    $100 each in a single day. (That's about
    5,000 people, give or take a few hundred
    for surprises.) As a payroll person, I'd
    done this before, but I wasn't quite prepared
    for what management had planned: instead
    of writing checks, we would be lining up
    our workers at the end of the day and
    handing out envelopes with $100 bills in
    them... In the Miami ghetto. I'm sure it
    made sense to them, but to me the order
    came down like a death sentence. Two days
    later I'm sitting in my "secure location"
    (my kitchen) with half a million fresh-scented,
    milky-green U.S. dollars. The money, when
    stacked, filled two milk crates; when it
    came through the door, it felt like some
    otherworldly presence had just entered,
    accompanied by an ominous feeling of danger.
    Fortunately, the state of Florida allows
    for the purchase and sale of machine guns,
    so I spent the rest of the day stuffing
    wads of cash into envelopes with my
    roommate's AK-47 pointed at the door.
    After it was all counted and stuffed, it
    was picked up for delivery to several
    different sites around South Florida.
    I wasn't there to see it, but I was told
    that the carefully-formed lines of workers,
    upon realising that payment was in cash,
    disintegrated quickly into an impatient
    mob. There were gunshots and muggings
    and co-workers running for their lives.
    Don't you love decisions from the top?"
    (Mr Kearns)


  >> This Week's Question <<

  We'd like your rock and roll stories. Tell
  us about the brown M&Ms here:
http://b3ta.com/questions/rockandrollstories/


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: SITES IN BRIEF
  Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates

  >> Spam scammer woodcarving <<
  It's always good to see people like the
  419eater bunch getting back at the irritating
  fraudsters who send that 'get rich quick'
  email shit. This particular trick, however,
  had the scammer running around and making
  detailed woodcarvings. We actually felt a
  moment of sympathy for the hapless schmuck.
  Bloody brilliant. And nice carving.
http://www.419eater.com/html/john_boko.htm


  >> Original Kraftwerk vocoder <<
  Somebody's flogging off a vocoder used by the
  cool-as-German-fuck man-machine synth
  pioneers. It looks the size of a house and
  comes encrusted with a liberal array of
  exciting knobs and levers. Old, old-school
  nerd porn.
http://snipurl.com/scxm


  >> How not to pitch your script <<
  Alas, it's parody, but we loved the idea of
  someone being of sufficient mentalosity to try
  getting 'Rapebear' (the bear who rapes)
  funding to be a big summer blockbuster. Sharp
  writing, how we wish it was non-fiction... 
http://snipurl.com/rapebear


  >> Stabby stab knife rack <<
  It would take some sweet-talking to get one of
  these into the B3ta towers kitchen, but what a
  great idea - a rack that looks like the result
  of a particularly inept knife-thrower's act.
http://snipurl.com/stabbystabstab


  >> How to open a coconut <<
  Does exactly what it says on the URL. There's
  a whole series of these sites, that purport to
  teach you how to do things which in reality
  require a mere modicum of common-sense. We
  still spent ages debating the merits of their
  methods, which probably shows that they are
  onto something. People like discussing obvious
  things.
http://www.howtoopenacoconut.com/


  >> Piano burning <<
  Bunch of students are moving house and need to
  get rid of the old piano. Enjoyed their rather
  feeble attempt to find it a new home before
  they succumb to the inevitable and, one
  drunken night, drag venerable instrument to
  the beach for a Viking send-off.
http://pianoburning.blogspot.com/


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: THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO AAHH
  Japanese baby zoo
  
  Want your fluff organised by created and big
  enough for wallpaper?  Thank Mr Null for
  sending this fine collection in.
http://www.v2k.jp/baby-zoo/wall_back.html


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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
  Keeping YouTube in ad revenue since 2006
  
  Our YouTube addiction has reached such heights
  that we were there at 4 o clock in the morning,
  watching old Apple keynote speeches instead
  of writing the newsletter. BTW: Steve Jobs in
  1984 looking very smug about his computer's
  ability to scroll text is a small moment of
  comedy gold. However we're not linking to
  that, we're linking to this:


  >> Why A Piano Is Like A Woman <<
  Rich Hall creates the comedy character of a
  much-convicted country music singer called
  Otis Lee Crenshaw. You'll want to stick with
  this until the final line that had us
  sniggering for, oooh minutes. Also make sure
  you check out his equally brilliant 'He Almost
  Looks Like You' ode to being a prison bitch.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aw_dp9CXneY


  >> Bush: Sunday Bloody Sunday <<
  We admit to not being overwhelmed when we
  heard the track as an mp3 a wee while back,
  but the accompanying, frenetically-edited vid
  of George W does Max Headroom is all kinds of
  good and now it all makes sense.
http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=6805063692754011230


  >> Pickle terror <<
  A girl terrified of pickled gherkins is
  traumatised by a trip to a pickle factory.
  Subsequently she is chased round a talk-show
  studio by the pickle-wielding host. In the
  future all TV will be like this.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Woman_with_extreme_pickle_phobia

  >> Bonus quicky vid links <<

  * DRUNK GUY ARRESTED
http://youtube.com/watch?v=U1VmGjJJFrc&search=dui

  * KITTEN IN A BOTTLE
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O5r5f8ekDxQ

  * NEW SPORT: LADDER RACING
http://www.hedonistica.com/media.php?path=/videos/ladder-race.wmv

  * STEVIE WONDER FUNKING OUT ON KIDS' TV
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Further_to_Stevie_Wonder_on_Sesame_Street


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: FUNNY NAMES CORNER
  Mummy, this website sounds like 'penis'

  "Doing some research," fibs Ronen, "I came
  across this site and immediately thought of
  you guys. Childish minds think alike..." We
  wanted to hate this, but a small, nasty smile
  flickered across our ashen lips. Your mileage
  may vary.
http://www.pnas.org


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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
  Follow-ups on previous stories.

  * NEUTICLES, A DOG EXPERT WRITES - "The
  'Neuticles' pet testicle implants are
  generally regarded as an underhand method of
  cheating in dog shows -- a dog can't win best
  of breed if - obviously - it can't breed, so
  judges are meant to check the dog's
  undercarriage is in working order. So if
  you've got a dog that's had its bollocks
  whipped off as a pup, Neuticles are a way of
  cheating to make the judge think that the dog
  is healthy in every respect. That's why the
  Neuticles site takes great pride in mentioning
  over and over that they feel almost exactly
  like the real thing - they're not freaks who
  like groping their own dog's testicles,
  they're just out to make a small fortune by
  helping scam dog shows." (raincannon)

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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
  Results from the 'Pimp My UK Design' Challenge

  Last week The British Design Council wanted
  you to make some lovely pictures and promised
  to hand out some prizes.

  Their favourite was Zak McFlimby's traffic
  light that converted into a lovely street
  bench. So there's an Xbox 360 in the post for
  him.

  Also they have runners up prizes of a lovely
  B3ta t-shirt for Mutated Monty, Leningrad,
  Threepwood, wibblywobbly and  Zak McFlimby.
  (again? is this thing rigged?)

  All these images, and the highest as voted by
  you can be found here:
http://b3ta.com/challenge/pimpmybritishdesign/


  >> New challenge: Brits in space <<
  After the B3ta team were sniggering in the pub
  about the crap UK space programme, we decided
  it might be a nice idea for a challenge.
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/britsinspace/


  >> Your challenge ideas <<
  We want your image challenge ideas. Then we
  want you to vote on the challenges suggested
  by other people. It's easy. 
http://www.b3ta.com/questions/imagechallenge/


-------------------------------------------------

: THANKS
  This issue was written by Rob Manuel with 
  David Stevenson.
  Stuff sent in by Clairebare, boyx, Vectrex
  Chav In A Box? Innit, stripeertw, Yank Meoff,
  squirrels emit silent screams, I_Am_Kloot
  and Else Lennox
  Additional linkage and image challenge by 
  Fraser Lewry.
  Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke.
  Clickwoos to b4ta. (1,000,000,000, ok 109357)
  
-------------------------------------------------

: TOP TIPS

  * MARKER PENS
  "If you've accidentally used a permanent marker
  on a whiteboard or other smooth surface, fear
  not," exclaims Flowerpot. "The mark can easily
  be removed by using deodorant - even long
  after it's dried." It does kind of make a nonsense
  of something being 'permanent' though, if it's
  so easy to remedy.

  * SOLDERING
  "This does work but you have to be quick," confides
  dogboy. "When soldering, if you accidentally
  touch the tips of your fingers with the soldering
  iron, grab your hair and the heat dissipates
  really quickly, reducing pain. Honest." Although
  we reckon it might actually result in soldering
  your hand to your head. Anybody up for testing
  this one out? Hmm. Maybe not.


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: MODERATLY AMUSING JOKE SOMEONE EMAILED US

  Donald Rumsfeld is giving the president his
  daily briefing. He concludes by saying,
  "Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed."

  "OH NO!" the President exclaims. "That's
  terrible!"

  His staff sits stunned at this display of
  emotion, nervously watching as the President
  sits, head in hands.

  Finally, the President looks up and asks, "How
  many is a brazillion?"


-------------------------------------------------

: SPONSORED LINK
 
  "Same shit different day?  Stop being a wage
  slave - do something you love.  Chinwag Jobs -
  now with added monkeys. Your boss fears us!"
http://jobs.chinwag.com/p/b3ta_jun30?a_aid=cwj

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