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NEWSLETTER: "KIM UNVEILS SUCCESSOR TO STUNNED MEL"

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"Kim unveils successor to stunned Mel"
This Week:
* PAPER PLANES - dropped from the edge of space
* BOOKS - Judged by their covers
* CHALLENGE - Mr Ed, the talking politician

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________  ____ __  ___
____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ |    "We're all    Murdoch
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |       paywall refugees
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|         ... together"

B3ta email (issue_count++) -  1st Oct 2010

Seed this issue as a torrent:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue448/

     Subscribe:  b3ta-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
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: SPONSORED LINK
  Wicked Pig!

  Stars of the www.stytv.co.uk, Richard and Dan,
  are back - this time searching for fame and
  fortune.

  Find out how they get on visiting the offices
  of a celebrity magazine, starring in a
  photoshoot and hanging out with the stars...
  well, almost
http://bit.ly/dbuE62


  >> Sponsor B3ta <<
  We will be your ad bitches for pennies.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/


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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
  Human League, Books & Paper planes in Space

  >> Judging books by their covers <<
  "Today I have been judging books by their
  covers", writes Faceburger, "Ronseal!" Yep, and
  a great little gag format here.
http://tinyurl.com/bookywook


  >> 20,000 Human Leagues Under the Sea <<
  The crew of the Nautilus find it hard to
  tolerate Captain Nemo's angsty obsession with
  80s pop. Well done, stumpymoose.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/20_000_Human_Leagues_Under_the_Sea


  >> Launching paper planes from the edge of space <<
  Joel Veitch is working with a very clever
  chappy and together they are plannning to drop
  paper planes from the very edge of space and
  see how far they go. Potentially they could go
  100s of miles - unless Joel runs out of bog
  roll and uses the planes as arse-wipe.
http://www.projectspaceplanes.com/


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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
  What was I thinking?

  Last week we wanted inexplicable decisions
  you've made that haunt you to this day. And the
  winner is... a story about poo. We love you,
  QOTW people:
http://b3ta.com/questions/decisions/

  * SPLAT - "I remember one time years ago, I was
  about 10 or 11 years old and a couple of my
  mates and I were on our way home from the park.
  We were all in a jovial mood and life was good.
  I was, however, bursting for a shite. I spotted
  a massive oblong cardboard box and had my
  'brainwave'. "Watch this!" I said to my mates.
  The plan was to pull the box over my head,
  crouch inside it, take down my breeks and
  skegs, curl out a steaming turd, do myself up
  again and then move away whilst still inside
  the box. In my head I imagined that this would
  be the most spectacular thing: a shitting box!
  Well, it didn't quite work out that way. After
  lowering the box over myself, I dropped my
  jeans and Ys, squatted and let go. It was utter
  fucking carnage. My poor wee arse exploded and
  slurries of stagnant shite splattered the
  inside and outside of my pants and jeans. It
  was all over the backs of my legs, my socks and
  my trainers. And the smell! Sweet Jebus, that
  fucking smell. And I hadn't even thought about
  what I was going to wipe my arse with! Throwing
  the box off in a panic, I stood there
  speechless, my denims half up/down covered in
  my own waste. My mates stared back in shock and
  terror, swiftly followed by laughter and glee.
  Bastards. I told my mum that I had fallen in
  dog shit. Thankfully she didn't pursue how it
  had ended up on the inside... (Helmut McBucket)

  * SPLOOSH - "I'll just say this... Don't ever,
  EVER, put milk through a Sodastream."
  (bassmeister)

  * SPLASH - "I volunteered to take part in a
  Bukkake session at London Zoo. I don't know
  what came over me." (The Oscillating Gibbon)


  >> This Week's Question: Money <<
  What have you recently splurged your
  hard-earned dosh on, only to find out that
  you'd have been better off burning it on a
  small Scottish island for warmth? Talk to us
  here:
http://b3ta.com/questions/wasteofmoney/


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: BONUS SPONSORED IPHONE LINK
  Fantastic new iPhone game!

  Sand Slides is the great new game from Logik
  State.  It's like the Falling Sand Game on
  steroids, and is nothing short of brilliant.
http://bit.ly/bemeaa


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: SITES IN BRIEF
  Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates
 
  >> Tilt shift Van Gogh <<
  Tilt shift photography was everywhere a year
  ago. Now some clever people have applied the
  same effect to Van Gogh's paintings, making
  them look like pop-up versions. Someone should
  do the same for Jackson Pollock.
http://www.artcyclopedia.com/hot/tilt-shift-van-gogh.htm


  >> The most NSFW SFW pic ever <<
  Do not look at this pic in the office, despite
  the fact that once you really look at it and
  grasp what it is, you've never seen anything
  more innocent.
http://i.imgur.com/P7Qw7.jpg

 
  >> Misspelled food <<
  We thought this sounded a bit shit and rather
  like the sort of item they used to do on That's
  Life in the 80s. But somehow, it's really
  rather spiffing.
http://www.urlesque.com/2010/09/10/foods-misspelled-names/


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: RETRO GAMING OLD FARTS CORNER
  Because it's cool to play Dance Dance
  Revolution like your dad

  >> 8 bit wood culture <<
  Apple's iPhone 4 pixels are now literally too
  small to see, but at the same time the
  nostalgia for chunkier days grows and grows:
http://www.8bitwood.com/

  >> Webpage Asteroids <<
  Install this bookmarklet (a little browser
  button that does funky shit to your web pages)
  and you'll be able to shoot any item on a
  website in a 1970s video game stylee.
http://erkie.github.com/


  >> Console funeral <<
  Old consoles pay their respects to an Xbox 360
  who died too soon. Like Dad and his old lag
  mates from the pub at his son's funeral.
http://goo.gl/MVFz


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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
  Like if books had moving pictures

  * AC/DC Vs GHOSTBUSTERS - When AC/DC were huge
  in the early 80s, the official B3ta dad was
  very alarmed that so many people were walking
  around wearing t-shirts advertising their
  bisexuality. (Hello dad!) Anyway, one of those
  mash-up things that's better than most.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/AC_DC_vs_Ghostbusters


  * ACTION VID - Freddie Wong is best known for
  his work as a professional Guitar Hero/Rock
  Band player. Quite what has happened to the
  world that you can be a professional computer
  games player we don't know, but Freddie is also
  a pretty awesome amateur film maker. BTW, the
  ever-so-slightly good looking women in the
  video? Shenae Grimes, whose main job is to
  starve herself skinny for TV shows like 90210.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/new_freddie_vid


  * SURPRISED VADER - the tickling kitten meme
  continues and it's always delightful.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Suprised_Vader


  * DRUNK HISTORY - genius idea for a clip: get a
  historian bloke pissed and then get him to
  explain his pet subject. We could watch hours
  of this. That's you, that is!
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Drunk_History:3


  * CAT VS SPIDER - With kung fu sound effect.
  SPOILERS: The spider doesn't make it.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Cats_Vs_Spider


  * JAMAICAN DR WHO - you simply haven't watched
  Dr Who until you've seen Cybermen dubbed into
  Jamaican. We'd like to see this done with
  Thomas the Tank Engine, Peppa Pig or the Tory
  Party Conference.
http://youtu.be/s41r9ZUE3uw


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: FUNNY NAME CORNER
  Running this shit makes us die inside

  * BEST KIDDY T-SHIRT EVER - "It's fine for New
  York, but maybe Des Plaines shouldn't have
  followed suit", writes Jair. And whilst 99% of
  our readers will get this allusion, for the 1%
  that don't: look up 'dp' on UrbanDictionary.
http://www.iheartdp.com/


  * FUNNY URL CORNER - Restoration Dept writes,
  "This had to happen. The city of Perm (Russia,
  you know, that far right corner of the  map)
  has just acquired a shiny new News site."
http://newsperm.ru/

  * DICK TRICKLE - no laughing at the back. OK,
  you weren't.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dick_Trickle


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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
  Parallel Universes

  Last week we wanted you to imagine everything
  in reverse

  Your favourites included:

  * COWELL - the tables are turned as Mr Nasty
  takes his turn in the spotlight (benito
  vasselini)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10197156

  * BEATLES - rock's most iconic album
  cover gets the 180 degree treatment
  (pzyko)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10197227

  * 9/11 - attack of the killer skyscrapers (I'm
  too sexy for my Fiend)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10196359

  All these images, and the highest as voted by
  you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/parallel/


  >> New challenge: Ed Miliband <<
  Britain has a new leader of the opposition: Ed
  Miliband. Introduce him to the world of serious
  politics with a big b3tan welcome, and get all
  photoshoppy on his appearance.
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/miliband/


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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
  Follow-ups on previous stories.

  * MORE CRANK LETTERS FROM B3TANS - Mr
  Nerdy-Speccy-FuckNuts writes, "I wrote to
  Nickelodeon to discuss the shape of Spongebob
  squarepants' pants. As they are not square!"
http://sendthemanemail.blogspot.com/

  * COPYWRONG FILM FEATURING CASSETTEBOY -
  Cassetteboy writes, "I feature very briefly in
  a new short film called 'Remediation' by Miles
  Joseph.  It's about attitudes to copyright. If
  you've got 4 minutes and 17 seconds to spare,
  you can see the film on Miles' website."
http://www.milesjoseph.com

  * READERS COMPLAINTS, rhinoceros moans, "The
  headline about Moyles is lame and anomalously
  mainstream. I hope next week's will be better."
  Hmm, did we do better this week? The
  alternatives included:
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10205762

  * OUR READERS ARE FUCKING INSANE - nabarry
  confesses, "i made my ex cum spagetti and
  enjoyed wathing her enjoy it." (sic)

  * ARSEY URL SHORTENER - as well as buggering
  about with paper plane space stuff this week,
  Cr3 and Veitch have also made a rather rude URL
  shortener.
http://upthear.se/


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: FRIDAY GAME
  We're sorry for being shit

  Every so often people moan that there's no
  Friday games anymore. Well, to be honest we're
  not playing many web games at the moment,
  instead it's just iPhone crap. Currently we're
  so massively addicted to iPhone Scrabble that
  when we just corrected a typo we heard an inner
  voice say: "No. Leave it, it's worth more
  points".

  So yeah - play iPhone Scrabble - or if you want
  a multi-player version on a massive board try
  "Words with Friends."

  Or if you really, really want some flash
  gaming, visit Kongregate and click on whatever
  shit they're doing these days.


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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE

  Make something cool and tell us about it. If
  you are in it then people will see your stuff.

  Things we'd really like to see include
 
  * A BIG GOOGLE MAP THING FOR CELEBS - so you
  can type in your postcode and find out which
  celebs live in your area. (We were very excited
  this week to learn that Labour leader Ed
  Miliband shares our NW5 postcode, although he
  lives in the posh end, rather than our shabby
  bit with the crackheads.)

  * AN INFINITE PORN MACHINE - available in
  homes, offices, or even your phone that you
  could like type shit into and get porn. Can you
  imagine? Oh.

  * LIGHT BULBS THAT NEVER POP DESPITE HAVING
  DODGY WIRING - we often end up sitting in the
  dark at B3ta HQ for this very reason.

  Attach your contributions as a word document
  and shit through our gaping cyber-letterbox:
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/

  BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
  been featured then don't be put off - we look
  at everything you send us.


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Jews for Gingers:  b3ta-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
Scientologists:  b3ta-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com

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  THANKS B3TAN - THA3ANS
  This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David
  Stevenson using the awesome combined technology
  of a TextWrangler, Mediawiki and Google Docs.
  BTW: in older issues we used to say "edited"
  but stopped with that pompous rubbish when
  someone we once went to school with thought
  that it meant we didn't actually write the damn
  thing. Stuff sent in by larry7may,
  chocolatelemming, Bad Monkey, King Ralph,
  croc_mad, Gingey, joemuggs, Smale, Alphabet
  Soap, antonvowl and x.twinx.x. Subjlols via
  benito vasselini. Additional linkage and image
  challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW
  bloke.

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  TOP TIP:
  Muteboy wrote in to complain, "Shave in the
  shower? Save time and soap? What about the
  gigantic waste of water? Piss in the shower,
  that's more like it."

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