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This Week:
* SEX & VIOLENCE - The rules explained
* WAITROSE - hates you
* LEGO ZX81 - wants your attention

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________  ____ __  ___
____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ |  "We're selling your     
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |     data to Tescos
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|      & MI6... together"

B3ta email 513 - 27 JAN 2012

Read issue whilst pour boiling water on face:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue513/

    Assimilate:  b3ta-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
         Die:  b3ta-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com

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: SPONSORED LINK
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  >> Sponsor B3ta <<
  Want this space? Then talk to us.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/


-------------------------------------------------

  Happy Thomas Crapper Day. He invented the
  ballcock. Think of him when you hear the
  cistern gurgling and refilling today. We're
  celebrating by doing an extra shit.

-------------------------------------------------

: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
  Sex & Violence, Dresses, Ads, Cuts, Dogs & Alien

  >> Rules of Sex & Violence <<
  "Here's the latest episode of my drawing
  tutorial series," offers happycreature. "This
  one covers 'The Rules of Sex & Violence', with
  two cartoon couples demonstrating what is and
  isn't acceptable to show for general audiences.
  Hope you find it edjumacational!" Good point
  and well made.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Tn6nEb5XojA


  >> Dress-size predictor <<
  "I have made a useful thing," boasts
  darkgreener. "If you are a woman, you can put
  your bust, waist and hip measurements into it,
  and it will tell you what size you are in a
  range of high-street shops (e.g. TopShop size
  10, Reiss size 8, etc)." It's surprisingly
  handy to know that we should be buying Dorothy
  Perkins size 14 dresses.
http://sizes.darkgreener.com/


  >> How to remove ads from videos <<
  "I could teach you, but I'd have to charge,"
  chants Black Moon, gleefully. More mind-melting
  SFX trickery.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/How_to_remove_ads_from_videos


  >> Sir Ian Bowler Talks About Benefits Cuts <<
  Hapless Tory mouthpiece Sir Ian is sent once
  more into the breach, to sell us bad news.
  "Here to tell you how it is. And where it is.
  And what it is," explains Natt.
http://bit.ly/vZoCTM


  >> The Incredible Acting Dog <<
  "We took a break from song-making and filmed
  our dog," explains DefyingDarwin. "He can act,
  don't you know? He's gonna be famous, or
  addicted to heroin... AND famous." Amazing.
http://bit.ly/waKEp1


  >> ALIEN in 60 seconds <<
  "Thought I'd have a bash at the 'done in 60
  seconds' thingy," mumbles Faceburger. Ridley
  Scott's classic slightly improved by
  proportionately more Jonesy the Cat.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/ALIEN_in_60_seconds


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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
  Childhood Misconceptions

  Last week we wanted to know just what old
  bollocks you believed as a kid. And how you
  found out it wasn't true:
http://b3ta.com/questions/childhoodmisconceptions/

  * RAPED - "As a kid I liked to stay up late
  and watch the news with Mum and Dad. A report
  of a vicious rape comes on the News at 10. Me:
  "Mum, what does rape mean?" Mum: "errmm,
  errmmm...it means to be attacked very badly."
  Two weeks later I was (genuinely) attacked
  very badly by an Alsatian dog. Imagine the
  hilarity when I told my less-innocent peers
  and school teachers that I had been, "raped
  very badly by a big Alsatian dog". In fact I
  retold the story well into my teens until
  someone was kind enough to reveal the true
  meaning of the word." (griffo)
	 
  * BUM TOOTH - "My wife's older sister came up
  with the absolutely brilliant lie that
  everyone has one tooth that appears in your
  bum at age 6, and that if you didn't brush it
  properly, it would have to get pulled by a
  dentist. My wife, age 4 or 5, was petrified
  for years, waiting and watching for it in a
  mirror so that she could clean it and avoid
  the butt-dentist." (flatulent-elm)
	 
  * HONK CONK - "I convinced Baby Shambles that
  my nose made a beeping noise when pressed.
  This backfired when I was having a nap and she
  thought it wasn't working and hit it as hard
  as she could with a wooden mallet. 
  (Dr. Shambolic)


  >> This Week - Should've been arrested <<
  Got away with something that really you should
  have been done for? Statute of limitations has
  expired? Talk to us here:
http://b3ta.com/questions/notarrested/


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: SITES IN BRIEF
  Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates

    >> Fleshlight iPad attachment <<
  When alien robots dig up our civilisation from
  the landfills we hope they find this and bleep
  "they deserved their end."
http://t.co/4ul2DOzd


  >> Ross Kemp folds <<
  At Ross Kemp Towers, his manager speaks, "How
  are we going get Ross into the hearts and
  minds of the UK public this week. I know!
  Let's make foldy pictures." Next week they'll
  be photoshopping his face onto a turnip and
  adding speech bubbles, "MUM! YOU SLAAAG!"
http://rosskempfolds.tumblr.com
  
  
  >> Local newspaper headlines <<
  Collection of nonsense local newspaper
  headlines from sandwich boards outside
  newsagents. None of them tell the truth of
  course, "LOCAL NEWSPAPER WRITTEN BY ONE
  UNPAID INTERN - WHOLE INDUSTRY FUCKED FROM
  THE BOTTOM UP."
http://plungehorrorhatfury.blogspot.com


  >> Lego ZX81 <<
  Our inner retro computing nerd felt feelings
  of lust at seeing this:
http://post.ly/4xbe9

  Then we really started geeking out, looking up
  old computer stuff, and found these novelty
  ZX Spectrum-style cufflinks. That's Xmas
  sorted for at least 4 blokes we know.
http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/B003PN59IM/b3ta-21


  >> Downloadable weapons <<
  Download weapon parts to make with your 3D
  printer. This is going to end well - internet
  users labelled as terrorists etc. Actually
  some of the downloadable weapons are really
  cool-looking - love the catapult. But we do
  wonder about our brave new world where only
  three things will have value as resources:
  water, plastic and copyright.
http://www.thingiverse.com/tag:weapon


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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
  Like TV but with no red button

  >> C4 gag pulled off (partly) by a B3tan <<
  The channel 4 continuity announcers have been
  deliberately mispronouncing The Simpsons for a
  while now and it turns out one is a b3tan.
  BobbyDaveHead writes, "Wondered how long it'd
  be before you chaps picked up on this... We've
  been doing it for the past month or so now.
  (and in case anyone's interested - the guy
  from 1:30 onwards - that's me, that is.)"
http://www.b3ta.com/links/736398
 

  >> David Sylvian "He's Beautiful!" <<
  Odd song about David Sylvian that says
  something about the fan/star relationship. And
  also how this stuff can still be fizzing round
  people's heads 30 years later. Pop culture is a
  hell of a drug.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xOW0E7VA9zo


  >> Boots 'n' Cats 'n' Boots 'n' Cats <<
  Say the word "boot" - this is a bass drum, the
  plosive of the B makes a nice thud. Say the
  word "cat" - this is a snare - the hard C
  starts with a lot of attack and ending on a T.
  Boot cat boot cat is the clasic bass/snare 4/4
  beat. Now it gets clever, "boots cats" -
  listen to the S. We've got a hihat on the off
  beat. Utter utter genius that made us walk the
  streets muttering words to ourselves for their
  percussive qualities. Personally we think
  "chat" is a better snare than "cat" but that
  would make a less good video.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Boots_n_Cats_n_Boots_n_Cats


  >> Bird flies on stage <<
  Baby bird falls into the middle of a bluegrass
  festival. Cuteness ensues. Hurry on to 1:40, if
  bluegrass isn't your thing.
http://bit.ly/z3rqCR


  >> The new face of terror <<
  Hair-raising trip around the very mouth 
  of madness.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/I_do_hate_it_when_this_happens


  >> Worst cat happy birthday ever <<
  If somebody you know and love is celebrating
  their birthday today, why not send them a video
  of such poor quality that it's practically
  psychedelic?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QnCLoVDarSQ


-------------------------------------------------

: FUNNY NAME CORNER 
  The funny thing? It's never featured one corner

  * MARKETING OR NAIVETY? - Either they should
  rethink the name or they're playing quite evil
  games to get attention.
http://www.therapistinabox.com


  * WAITROSE HATES YOU - Seen everywhere this
  week. Because it's great.
http://pic.twitter.com/dAj8uxq7


  * EMBARRASSING KINDLE - "My girlfriend left her
  kindle at my house so I jailbroke it and added
  some new authors to her screensaver rotation,"
  beams Olly Moss. BTW love your Twitter
  wallpaper.
http://pic.twitter.com/ipaX7oBN


  * TEXT MESSAGE TROLLING - @recognisethis
  writes, "Apparently this dude put his phone
  number on Facebook because he was bored."
http://i.imgur.com/rsQ93.png


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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
  Results from the Stock Photo Challenge

  Last week we wanted you to find uses for
  unusable stock photos

  Your favourites included:
 
  * BOYLE - from exposure to devastation,
    via the medium of contaminated fruit 
    (ferret)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10668332

  * FACIAL - nice lady in hot Tesco 
    Value money shot action (Puromycin)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10664105

  * ORANGE - horrendous, strange-trousered 
    citrus stiffy incident (iammo)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10665461

    All these images, and the highest as
    voted by you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/stock/


  >> New challenge: Monkeys <<
  Everybody go ape, for it's a One Word 
  Challenge: Monkeys! Suggested by Bourbon 
  Fox
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/moremonkeys/


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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
  Follow-ups on previous stories.
  
  * SHEEP!'S TV SHOW - "I'm now making my films
  full-time!" rejoices b3ta legend Sheep! who
  has been taken under the wing of some kindly
  Germans. "They even made some opening titles
  for me and gave me a German-sounding name...
  You can see the shows weekly on their website
  and I'll post them on my YouTube channel when
  I feel like it."
http://www.b3ta.com/links/First_Film


  * SPANNERED - "Could help us punt our new
  book?" asks a cheeky spanneredbooks. "It's a
  novel set in the free-party/illegal rave scene,
  with twelve B&W illustrations and loads of
  people getting absolutely munted. Let us know
  where to send a freebie copy!" Aha! Now that's
  more like it!
http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/1906236577/b3ta-21


  * LOREM IPSUM NOVEL - "There's also a book (of
  sorts) with basically nothing but zeros in it,"
  observes Doctor Truth. "10,000,000 zeros.
  Dunno, might be a beginning of an epic series
  on numbers."
http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/B005KT1A3M/b3ta-21


  * CRAP TANK PART 2 - "I'm still working on the
  Crap Tank from the 'Amazing Projects' QOTW
  (November 2011)," explains JamHamster. "The
  missus thought I should post my progress so
  far." The scratch-built RC wonder now has guns
  and a laser sight, like a tiny Terminator.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Crap_Tank_Part_2


  * AMAZING ABSTRACT POSTERS - "Some more
  developed (and much larger!) versions of some
  images I posted over on /board a while back
  have been made into posters by the wonderful
  Blam (of Trainspotting poster fame)," informs
  Chris Hildrey. "I'd be rather honoured if you'd
  check them out. And by check them out I, of
  course, mean spend all your pocket money on
  buying one!"
http://print-process.com/Artist/Chris_Hildrey/


  * WHATDOESTHEINTERNETTHINK - REDUX! "It's been
  a few years since I launched this
  Frankengoogle app and things in the Search-API
  world have changed. A lot," bemoans c_kick. "I
  had to throw away practically all the old
  code. It now runs on jQuery, making Ajax calls
  to my algorythm (doesn't that just sound
  professional?). I hope you like it once more!"
http://www.whatdoestheinternetthink.net/


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: FRIDAY GAME
  Policy Guesses
  
  Think of the most right-wing policy you can
  imagine and guess the year the Tories will
  support it. Then add six months to produce the
  date when Labour will capitulate.

  * SELLING THE ORGANS OF THE POOR TO MAKE MEAT
    JAM - proposed for 2015.

  * FRUIT MACHINES IN POST OFFICES - to reclaim
    the benefits back. (2013)

  * THE RETURN OF THE WORKHOUSE - via a
    distributed system called 'workfare' (2012)

  This isn't much of a fun game is it? Sorry.
  Why not keep spitting and see how long it
  takes to fill a cup?


-------------------------------------------------

: IPHONE 5 FEATURES LIST
  Exclusive info for our readers

  The whole tech world is wanking itself into
  epilepsy speculating about the features of the
  latest iPhone, so here's our list:

  * An anti-piracy taser
  * Fuckable minge
  * Suckable milky nipple that lactates heroin
  * A 40-foot holograph projection of Steve Jobs
    that demands human sacrifice.
  * Unscratchable screen that scratches, ooh, four
    weeks before the iPhone 6 is available.
  * A message of thanks from happy, unexploited
    Chinese workers who made the phone. 


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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE

  Make something cool and tell us about it. If
  you are in it then people will see your stuff.

  Things we'd really like to see include

  * A BUTTON ON YOUR LAPTOP THAT GOES "SHOW ME
  THE FOLDER WHERE THAT LAST THING I SAVED IS" -
  We often have to save files twice. Once to
  save it. Once to work out where the app has
  defaulted to dumping the files.

  * CHILD SPRAY - like fly spray but for children.

  * FASHIONABLE TONGUE COLOURS - we got a blue
  lollypop the other day that turned our mouth
  and lips blue. Why hasn't fashion and the
  make-up industry exploited this? People paint
  their lips and faces but not their tongues. 

  Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/

  BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
  been featured then don't be put off - we look
  at everything you send us.


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   Sex party:  b3ta-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
   Hex party:  b3ta-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com

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  THANKS:
  This issue was written by Rob Manuel with
  David Stevenson.   If we had a pound every
  time a Tory MP said "fair" we'd stick it in an
  offshore account and not pay tax on it. Stuff
  sent in by @RnRDave, mrandrist, ElusiveCamel,
  Ed_Grace,  @are_pee_jee, @hairydalek,
  @TomWhitwell, Mr Eraserhead, Victoria.e.jones
  & justinbellinger. Additional linkage and image
  challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is
  QOTW bloke. Subjlos via The Great Architect.
  War! (Huh!) What is it good for? Enriching the
  corporate elite and controlling
  the flow of resources. Say it again! 

-------------------------------------------------

  TOP TIP:
  If you've got a top tip why not post them on
  our special message board for "top tips".
http://www.b3ta.com/questions/toptips/

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