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Oh thank god for that.
How are we all today? Is it as bad as everyone says? I'm doing OK, so ner.
(, Wed 9 May 2012, 10:40, archived)
Yeah, pretty good.
I'd like to go up Fort Nelson and get some photos of the jackdaws, but I don't seem to have the time.
(, Wed 9 May 2012, 10:41, archived)
Fort Nelson's brilliant
and FREE!! FREE I TELL YA!!!
(, Wed 9 May 2012, 10:41, archived)
Shall we go together?
We could hold hands and impress each other with our command of various UK regional accents.
(, Wed 9 May 2012, 10:42, archived)
I can do a pretty good scotch and a not bad welsh/pakistani

(, Wed 9 May 2012, 10:44, archived)
Scotch eggs are from London.

(, Wed 9 May 2012, 10:44, archived)
Lovely
I like a good scotch egg. A GOOD one, mind.
(, Wed 9 May 2012, 10:45, archived)
I've never had a bad one.

(, Wed 9 May 2012, 10:46, archived)
I have
And let me tell you...it wasn't good. It was bad.
(, Wed 9 May 2012, 10:46, archived)
I want a scotch egg now

(, Wed 9 May 2012, 10:48, archived)
Got the Day off Tea,
i thought i'd be super hungover, but i'm feeling good, might go for a walk or something, who knows.
(, Wed 9 May 2012, 10:41, archived)
Nice one.
There's a peculiar satisfaction to be had from knowing you should be feeling like something a dog threw up, but somehow aren't.
(, Wed 9 May 2012, 10:45, archived)
yeah,
although, the temptation is to go to the pub for lunch and see if i can manage it for tomorrow
(, Wed 9 May 2012, 10:59, archived)
oh man :'(

(, Wed 9 May 2012, 10:42, archived)
Shove a trifle up your cockend and shit out a trifle.

(, Wed 9 May 2012, 10:43, archived)
if only!

(, Wed 9 May 2012, 10:51, archived)
and I have tried

(, Wed 9 May 2012, 10:51, archived)
Better than usual
I've avoided any work for over two hours now.
And I'm going to a meeting in 15 minutes that has extra buns and no thought involved.
(, Wed 9 May 2012, 10:43, archived)
I need to arrange an accountant
and do my tax for last year. This is a daunting task.
(, Wed 9 May 2012, 10:44, archived)
I can help.

(, Wed 9 May 2012, 10:45, archived)
I can help

(, Wed 9 May 2012, 10:47, archived)
The tax cunts here want to know about what I earned over a year ago in another country.
Fucksake. I doubt I even still have the payslips. I'm not a payslip-keeping sort of person.
(, Wed 9 May 2012, 10:47, archived)
don't you have a p60 or whatever it is
shows you all your earnings for the tax year?
(, Wed 9 May 2012, 10:50, archived)
Pfff, yeah, prolly. Somewhere.
Thing is, my old job ended in March last year, which was still in the 2010/11 tax year. I didn't earn a penny in the UK in the 2011/12 tax year but the tax office here in Holland still wants to know what I earned in the UK in the tax year before last. Hence frustration.
(, Wed 9 May 2012, 10:57, archived)
bleurgh, what a pain.
make something up?
(, Wed 9 May 2012, 10:58, archived)
I reckon someone hre could knock up a pretty good fake british payslip for him.
come on you lot, pull together, help mr tea defraud the government,
(, Wed 9 May 2012, 11:04, archived)
I'll write my own pay slips
by hand, using coloured crayons. :D
(, Wed 9 May 2012, 11:08, archived)
ah you must be able to call HMRC and ask for another copy, surely?

(, Wed 9 May 2012, 11:16, archived)
True, though it'll probably take aaages and maybe cost money.
I'll have a look tonight, they might well be lying around somewhere.
(, Wed 9 May 2012, 11:39, archived)
I can yelp

(, Wed 9 May 2012, 10:48, archived)
I han celp.

(, Wed 9 May 2012, 10:53, archived)
no it's not
you hand over all your bits of paper and receipts to your accountant and he tells you how much tax you have to pay

it's really as simple as that

it's only a shitter when you have to start stashing shitloads of money and waiting to be told how much of it isn't yours, that's a right pain in the gonads
(, Wed 9 May 2012, 11:38, archived)
I've sent them a message to get it all started
I am waiting to do the latter though. And looking at my bank account and thinking "hrmmm I don't know if that's enough" erk. But it's my own fault for going to bloody Texas.
(, Wed 9 May 2012, 11:40, archived)
the taxman's fairly understanding, you don't absolutely have to pay the whole wodge of tax in one lump
but yeah, don't get too far behind because he can fine you 60 a day if you piss him off
(, Wed 9 May 2012, 11:42, archived)
I've got until October to submit it
so it should be ok.
(, Wed 9 May 2012, 11:44, archived)
taxes just do my swede in
my accountant used to explain it all to me and my eyes would glaze over, I ended up just asking him how much I owed then dropped a cheque on his desk and fucked off

he was an odd bloke, little thick glasses, long hair but totally bald on top, I don't think I ever had a masturbatory fantasy about him

stop me if I reach the too much information point won't you
(, Wed 9 May 2012, 11:48, archived)
eurgh, the "long hair except bald in the middle" thing is really gross
I want to know roughly how much I should be saving for tax, that's all. Hopefully they'll get back to me and it'll all be sorted and simple and then I can stop worrying about it and just keep putting my expenses in the software like a good little spangolin.
(, Wed 9 May 2012, 11:53, archived)
there's the other business model where you spend all your tax money then declare bankruptcy
that's worth considering too

my parrot's eating melon, how awesome is that?
(, Wed 9 May 2012, 12:01, archived)
hah, that might panic the customers a bit
melon eh? Sounds messy.
(, Wed 9 May 2012, 12:14, archived)
this is why i bank offshore and pay next to fuck all, shhh tho

(, Wed 9 May 2012, 11:45, archived)
oh mongy
you and your offshore accounts. Mind you I'd like a holiday to Barbados to withdraw a tenner.
(, Wed 9 May 2012, 11:47, archived)
thing is, that's illegal
other thing is, there's no way they can ever find out about it

so yeah, that
(, Wed 9 May 2012, 11:49, archived)
what the tax man thinks i live on i dunno

(, Wed 9 May 2012, 12:06, archived)
I've had a decent sleep for a change but now my necks all stiff.

(, Wed 9 May 2012, 10:45, archived)
The soles of my shoes have both cracked, Maffers. What's that all about?

(, Wed 9 May 2012, 10:49, archived)

they're trying to match your sanity

lol
(, Wed 9 May 2012, 10:51, archived)
The cunts around me are talking about hideous shit they've bought at craft fairs.

(, Wed 9 May 2012, 10:54, archived)
Oh lord
I have some very flakey people close to me that buy all that shit. Make it poorly on your dining room table, call it 'handmade' then whack another tenner on it.
(, Wed 9 May 2012, 10:55, archived)
a white bit of wood with home sweet home written on it
"it's sort of antiquey"
(, Wed 9 May 2012, 10:57, archived)
Haha
Man, I'm in the wrong trade
(, Wed 9 May 2012, 10:57, archived)
I hate being lumped in with those cunts
and that fat lass Kirsty on the telly. Oooh look at this twee gingham tree decoration I made oooh a Christmas wreath made of my arse hair ooooh
(, Wed 9 May 2012, 10:56, archived)
who on earth lumps you in with these cunts?
i'd never lump you in with other cunts.
(, Wed 9 May 2012, 10:58, archived)
tends to all get termed as "crafts"

(, Wed 9 May 2012, 10:59, archived)
Murder is the only answer.

(, Wed 9 May 2012, 11:11, archived)
to so many problems

(, Wed 9 May 2012, 11:16, archived)
Mainly the problem of 'not being in jail for a long time'

(, Wed 9 May 2012, 11:24, archived)
that all depends if you get caught

(, Wed 9 May 2012, 11:24, archived)
Well that's true

(, Wed 9 May 2012, 11:28, archived)
Big heart mirrors.
Made of twigs.
ffs
(, Wed 9 May 2012, 10:55, archived)
I've seen a 'Good Luck Bag' that contained
A Stone (somehow lucky)
A twig (again...wha?)
A plastic jewel (for healing or something)
And a few other bits of pocket tat, and it was about six quid!!
(, Wed 9 May 2012, 10:56, archived)
Christ.
I say fair play to anyone who can flog shit like that. It's the cunts that buy it that deserve scorn.
(, Wed 9 May 2012, 10:58, archived)
I know
I really should try to make something like that. As my honourable colleague Mr.Pig says below, some people will buy any old shit if you tell them it's magical in some way.
(, Wed 9 May 2012, 11:00, archived)
That's Rear Admiral Pig to you sonny.

(, Wed 9 May 2012, 11:05, archived)
The correct answer to any offer of 'lucky heather'
is "Will it make me as lucky as you?"
(, Wed 9 May 2012, 11:12, archived)
Quite

(, Wed 9 May 2012, 11:14, archived)
Nah.
I saw someone tell one of those old hags to fuck off with her fucking lucky heather once.
Some big bloke appeared from no where and assaulted him.
Like I say, someone should round up the gypsies and kill them.
(, Wed 9 May 2012, 11:14, archived)
Some woman offered me heather once, I politely declined
and she told me to fuck off!! I was incredulous Baldmonkey. INCREDULOUS!
(, Wed 9 May 2012, 11:15, archived)
I was in Credulous once.
I bought a pen and a second hand map of eastern europe.
(, Wed 9 May 2012, 11:17, archived)
fuckig hippies will buy any old shit,
if you tell them it's lucky or blessed or from a mystical spot. They are fucking idiots.
(, Wed 9 May 2012, 10:59, archived)
just like homeopathy

(, Wed 9 May 2012, 11:00, archived)
i know wicca is possibly lurking,
and i don't know if she is genuinely a wiccan, but in the spirit of being nice, no offence wicca, but I think modern paganism is the hugest pile of wank i've ever had the misfortune to encounter.
(, Wed 9 May 2012, 11:02, archived)
If I remember correctly, she isn't a wiccan. She just liked the name.
She is, as she delights in sharing, a pantheist. though.
And people say I'm an attention seeking prick.
(, Wed 9 May 2012, 11:10, archived)
having been on the same forum as her for however many years
i didn't know she was a pantheist

i definitely would have noticed because it hilariously says 'pant heist'
(, Wed 9 May 2012, 11:19, archived)
Well, with observational skills like that, I can see why you are such a brilliant mod

(, Wed 9 May 2012, 11:28, archived)
My mistake.
It's the being a pagan she likes to gloat about: www.b3ta.com/search/posts/29966?q=pagan
(, Wed 9 May 2012, 11:40, archived)
you attention seeking prick

(, Wed 9 May 2012, 11:49, archived)
Yes.
But everyone here is.
That's why she pretends to believe in a waki religion.
That's why gonzo pretends to have stories about the world outside his flat.
That's why adam pretends to be a stupid prick.
That's why you pretend you are trying to be a good mod while HELLARIUSLIE acting like a really really shit mod
That's why Two Hats has a bum chin
That's why supermatt fucks little boys
That's why spangolin is a girl
That's why SSG withers
That's why gilgamesh continues to have a mental breakdown online
That's why quinten shares his awesomeness.

Everyone here is seeking attention.
Why do I get singled out for it?
Not that I mind; I like the attention.
(, Wed 9 May 2012, 11:55, archived)
My glorious chin is there because I like the attention?

(, Wed 9 May 2012, 12:04, archived)
See?
You're banging on about it AGAIN.
(, Wed 9 May 2012, 12:07, archived)
I'M A MONSTER

(, Wed 9 May 2012, 12:07, archived)
you've got it down to a fine art
isn't two hats' chin hidden behind a 'beard'?
(, Wed 9 May 2012, 12:17, archived)
In spite of that, my chin still projects beauty

(, Wed 9 May 2012, 12:22, archived)
You're a frying pantheist
Because you like fried food. Because you're a fat ballbag.
God, that was exhausting.
(, Wed 9 May 2012, 11:23, archived)
have a little lie down

(, Wed 9 May 2012, 11:49, archived)
It definitely wasn't a sex dream
You do believe me, right?
(, Wed 9 May 2012, 11:54, archived)
...yep

(, Wed 9 May 2012, 12:17, archived)
Phew
Well I'm glad we put that to bed. Oh gosh, I mean...oh no :(
(, Wed 9 May 2012, 12:23, archived)
That's because you are.

(, Wed 9 May 2012, 11:28, archived)
Good point.
Well made.
(, Wed 9 May 2012, 11:29, archived)
Oh yeah, it's all completely made up.
Well, all religion is made up of course, but I mean made up recently.
(, Wed 9 May 2012, 11:13, archived)
this
the "worshipping the crown prince of zarlo, lizard king and all who sail in him" religions are just as stupid as the "we've been around for thousands of years" ones. Just because it's an older imaginary friend doesn't make it a more credible one.
(, Wed 9 May 2012, 11:21, archived)
oh crikey yes,
it's all hocum and bullshit. but the pagans do love to bang on about how they are an ancient and mystical people.
(, Wed 9 May 2012, 11:24, archived)
mind you I think people can believe any amount of bullshit as long as they don't try to make me believe in it too
whatever gets you through rough times.
(, Wed 9 May 2012, 11:50, archived)
I believe you want to nosh me off.

(, Wed 9 May 2012, 12:01, archived)
I agree,
i just wish they wouldn't speak to me
(, Wed 9 May 2012, 12:01, archived)
I don't agree.

(, Wed 9 May 2012, 12:04, archived)
I just ask that if they want to live in their whimsical fantasy land,
they do it without insisting on "reading my aura" or "hearing from my spirit"
(, Wed 9 May 2012, 11:22, archived)
haha
I bet my spirit sounds like swears
(, Wed 9 May 2012, 11:25, archived)
How would you respond if the person saying these things was doing it out of kindness?
What I mean is, when my Dad died one of my friends said something about him looking down on me and all that stuff. Naturally I wanted to say 'that brings me no comfort because he's NOT looking down on me. He's dead and that's it"
But I was worried this would upset this person who, after all, was just trying to make me feel better.
(, Wed 9 May 2012, 11:27, archived)
tl;dr

(, Wed 9 May 2012, 11:28, archived)
Fortunately people don't speak to me.

(, Wed 9 May 2012, 11:30, archived)
That's true

(, Wed 9 May 2012, 11:34, archived)
I would ask them to respect the fact that neither me, nor my father,
had any belief in their bullshit, and i was frankly upset at them for being so presumptuous as to think that forcing their belief system on to me, at a time when i am clearly fragile is anything other than very selfish.
(, Wed 9 May 2012, 11:34, archived)
KICK THEIR CUNT RIGHT OFF
TELL THEM TO STICK YOUR DAD UP THEIR COCK END AND SHIT OUT SOME SPIRITUAL BULLSIT.
(, Wed 9 May 2012, 11:34, archived)
These are some interesting viewpoints Windy, thank you

(, Wed 9 May 2012, 11:40, archived)
You should have said "Well that's nothing new, he looked down on me when he was alive"
and then you could have both had a bittersweet chuckle.

Sorry
(, Wed 9 May 2012, 11:38, archived)
This would have been perfect
WHERE WERE YOU THREE YEARS AGO??
(, Wed 9 May 2012, 11:41, archived)
prison

(, Wed 9 May 2012, 11:50, archived)
woah
awkward
(, Wed 9 May 2012, 11:51, archived)
There's probably a good answer to this.
But I'm buggered if I know what it is.
(, Wed 9 May 2012, 10:55, archived)
If I'm honest, the answer is probably "I bought them cheap on ebay".

(, Wed 9 May 2012, 10:59, archived)
Someone criticised me the other day
for paying 27 for a pair of Nike trainers. Apparently I shouldn't be able to afford such 'luxuries' while supporting a family. I LOL'd.
(, Wed 9 May 2012, 11:02, archived)
I was running a tab in the pub last night,
instead of having to fuck about with money everytime i went to the bar, and one of the guys i was with told me that i shouldn't be able to afford to run a tab on my wages.
(, Wed 9 May 2012, 11:03, archived)
How delightfully patronising

(, Wed 9 May 2012, 11:07, archived)
yeah,
although he is one of those people who always seems to have an unneccesarily large amount of cash in his wallet, and makes sure you notice. Dickhead basically.
(, Wed 9 May 2012, 11:10, archived)
Cool.
Point him out to me when I come up.
(, Wed 9 May 2012, 11:19, archived)
are you actually coming up,
or is this one of those times i shower and shave for no reason?
(, Wed 9 May 2012, 11:38, archived)
I really would like to.
You get red kites round your way, don't you?
I just can't imagine when I will have the time at the mo' though.
And I can't imagine I'd genuinely be wanted. No one likes me anymore.
(, Wed 9 May 2012, 11:46, archived)
I fucking loathe you
but I'll come with you if you want company.
(, Wed 9 May 2012, 11:47, archived)
we have red kites fucking everywhere,
if you want, we can go to my dads house and feed the fuckers (we're not supposed to feed them, but it's pretty cool)
Bring the little fat bald one and the giant one with you.
(, Wed 9 May 2012, 12:03, archived)
I'm not letting modolith in my car.
He'd mod-edit my dashboard or some shit.
(, Wed 9 May 2012, 12:05, archived)
I'm not getting in BM's car
He might make me piss on an orchestra or something
(, Wed 9 May 2012, 12:06, archived)
if you're feeding red kites can I come along too
I don't take up much room
(, Wed 9 May 2012, 12:19, archived)
GIRL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(, Wed 9 May 2012, 12:32, archived)
magnificent

(, Wed 9 May 2012, 10:46, archived)
I've got the Jubillee week off
Anyone else off that week? Got any plans?
(, Wed 9 May 2012, 10:54, archived)
i go back to work that week :(

(, Wed 9 May 2012, 10:55, archived)
Hey, it's you!
How are you dear?
(, Wed 9 May 2012, 10:57, archived)
Arbitrary holiday ahoy!
No I don't.
(, Wed 9 May 2012, 10:56, archived)
It's a good one
because I can have the whole week off and only take 3 days out of my allowance. FANX QUEEN!
(, Wed 9 May 2012, 10:58, archived)
bored man

(, Wed 9 May 2012, 10:56, archived)
Are you












bored .... stiff!








*snickle*
(, Wed 9 May 2012, 10:59, archived)
I'm listening to this
www.youtube.com/watch?v=E5K0aPGw9Rk&feature=fvst

it's making me do a sad. can I have a huggles plz?
(, Wed 9 May 2012, 11:50, archived)
What is it?
*hugglesses*
(, Wed 9 May 2012, 12:00, archived)
it be beck doing everybody's gotta learn sometime.
*swuggles*
(, Wed 9 May 2012, 12:03, archived)
I'd like to hear that.

(, Wed 9 May 2012, 12:09, archived)
I have a crippling personal space issue, I'm sorry Mumplestiltskin
How about a firm handshake?
(, Wed 9 May 2012, 12:03, archived)
and a weak harf-hearted smile?

(, Wed 9 May 2012, 12:04, archived)
Haha
Yeah, if you like.
(, Wed 9 May 2012, 12:05, archived)
sold!

(, Wed 9 May 2012, 12:06, archived)