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I'd love to have pornographic sex acts with Fiona Bruce
Alt: alright
(, Thu 24 Jul 2014, 22:13, Reply)
I've written a kids' version of Snakes On A Plane. It's called The Eels On The Bus.
(Peter Serafinowicz A Billion Jokes Volume 1)
(, Thu 24 Jul 2014, 22:15, Reply)
I talk to my step ladder. I don't get on with my real ladder
(Harry Hill)
(, Thu 24 Jul 2014, 22:20, Reply)
joe pasquale i think

(, Thu 24 Jul 2014, 22:23, Reply)
i enjoyed thorpe park, it's alright

(, Thu 24 Jul 2014, 22:22, Reply)
I'm needy, bored and miserable, please cheer me up with some jokes.

(, Thu 24 Jul 2014, 21:08, Reply)
get fucked

(, Thu 24 Jul 2014, 21:12, Reply)
cool

(, Thu 24 Jul 2014, 21:14, Reply)
One word review of What's Eating Gilbert Grape: Leotard
(Peter Serafinowicz A Billion Jokes Volume 1)
(, Thu 24 Jul 2014, 21:24, Reply)
If you overdose on kebab, you have to go to rebab
(Peter Serafinowicz A Billion Jokes Volume 1)
(, Thu 24 Jul 2014, 21:26, Reply)
"What's the antimatter?"
"Oh, nothing"
(Peter Serafinowicz A Billion Jokes Volume 1)
(, Thu 24 Jul 2014, 21:29, Reply)
what's both big and small at the same time?
a big egg
(, Thu 24 Jul 2014, 21:30, Reply)
Please never post here again, thanks.

(, Thu 24 Jul 2014, 21:40, Reply)
Okay

(, Thu 24 Jul 2014, 21:42, Reply)
YES!!

(, Thu 24 Jul 2014, 21:48, Reply)
Only 50 users to go and you'll both have a nice empty playground

(, Thu 24 Jul 2014, 21:56, Reply)
what did the big phone say to the little phone you're too young to be engaged lololol

(, Thu 24 Jul 2014, 21:31, Reply)
shed of the year is on

(, Thu 24 Jul 2014, 21:31, Reply)
I wonder if I could achieve the perfect erection. How hard could it be?
(Peter Serafinowicz A Billion Jokes Volume 1)
(, Thu 24 Jul 2014, 21:34, Reply)
DINNER PARTY ERROR: The host could not be found. Also, there was no response from the server.
(Peter Serafinowicz A Billion Jokes Volume 1)
(, Thu 24 Jul 2014, 22:04, Reply)
A joke with a setup that is also the punchline:
Khomeini ayatollahs does it take to change a lightbulb?
(, Thu 24 Jul 2014, 22:11, Reply)
Hello
Tips please for a multitude of call centres phoning every day?

I had one this evening and played Derek & Clive down the phone to him.

I simply know you'll do better than that...?
(, Thu 24 Jul 2014, 20:17, Reply)
Tell em to get fucked

(, Thu 24 Jul 2014, 20:19, Reply)
get an answerphone

(, Thu 24 Jul 2014, 20:23, Reply)
To work or home?

(, Thu 24 Jul 2014, 20:24, Reply)
I
work from home, so yes and yes.
(, Thu 24 Jul 2014, 20:26, Reply)
get fucked

(, Thu 24 Jul 2014, 20:49, Reply)
register with TPS?

(, Thu 24 Jul 2014, 20:28, Reply)
That doesn't do shit all any more.

(, Thu 24 Jul 2014, 20:31, Reply)
This
/\
(, Thu 24 Jul 2014, 20:38, Reply)
does he then ring you up with his shitty morning reports about how horny he is? bet he charges too the walter mitty conman wanker, lol

(, Thu 24 Jul 2014, 20:32, Reply)
Already registered.
It still doesn't stop those pesky critters.
(, Thu 24 Jul 2014, 20:40, Reply)
you're probably best unplugging the phone

(, Thu 24 Jul 2014, 21:15, Reply)
Move to the Pitcairn Islands

(, Thu 24 Jul 2014, 20:31, Reply)
alright rich

(, Thu 24 Jul 2014, 20:38, Reply)
ez mongy bruv

(, Thu 24 Jul 2014, 20:47, Reply)
arnold schwartzenegger soundboard lol
lol
(, Thu 24 Jul 2014, 20:41, Reply)
kill yourself

(, Thu 24 Jul 2014, 21:11, Reply)
What's /talk like for banter, OT is officially dead from tomorrow, seems quiet here. Banter, as in talking shite, bitching and pointless arguing?

(, Thu 24 Jul 2014, 17:54, Reply)
get fucked

(, Thu 24 Jul 2014, 18:00, Reply)
mind the piss

(, Thu 24 Jul 2014, 18:02, Reply)
Cor!

(, Thu 24 Jul 2014, 19:23, Reply)
get fucked

(, Thu 24 Jul 2014, 18:00, Reply)
alright Buttcranley

(, Thu 24 Jul 2014, 18:01, Reply)
Afternoon.

(, Thu 24 Jul 2014, 18:06, Reply)
alright spesh, so what's happening with you?
keep it short.
(, Thu 24 Jul 2014, 18:07, Reply)
Pub today very little else.

(, Thu 24 Jul 2014, 18:32, Reply)
I kinda slagged you off lower down...no no don't bother scrolling down...
I like your style.
(, Thu 24 Jul 2014, 18:34, Reply)
fucking creep

(, Thu 24 Jul 2014, 18:38, Reply)
its a survival mechanism like a squids ink
kinda like forum jizz
(, Thu 24 Jul 2014, 18:51, Reply)
squids are pricks

(, Thu 24 Jul 2014, 18:54, Reply)
with 2 legs.
i fucking hate squids anyway. Calamari, deep fried, now you are talking.
(, Thu 24 Jul 2014, 18:55, Reply)
I heard you liked chewing rings

(, Thu 24 Jul 2014, 19:10, Reply)
it all starts with a gentle lick

(, Thu 24 Jul 2014, 19:13, Reply)
fuck off you prick

(, Thu 24 Jul 2014, 18:10, Reply)
fuck off you fat fingered buffoon
Alt: develop pancreatic cancer.
(, Thu 24 Jul 2014, 18:14, Reply)
Christ, you're here?

(, Thu 24 Jul 2014, 18:26, Reply)
fucken looks like it eh

(, Thu 24 Jul 2014, 18:28, Reply)
fuck off dozers

(, Thu 24 Jul 2014, 18:33, Reply)
love you too baby!

(, Thu 24 Jul 2014, 18:44, Reply)
I'll try / links.

(, Thu 24 Jul 2014, 18:33, Reply)
And i was being nice and i just get fucking blanked.
well he can GET FUCKED now.
(, Thu 24 Jul 2014, 18:33, Reply)
There was a pint with your name on it. Said xxxx.

(, Thu 24 Jul 2014, 18:42, Reply)
GROOMING THERE IS GROOMING HAPPENING

(, Thu 24 Jul 2014, 18:56, Reply)
But nice grooming.

(, Thu 24 Jul 2014, 18:57, Reply)
Well where's my fucking pint like?

(, Thu 24 Jul 2014, 18:58, Reply)
Check gaz, you blind cunt. It may come through in two halves, Jesus. Needy.

(, Thu 24 Jul 2014, 19:10, Reply)
get fucked

(, Thu 24 Jul 2014, 19:24, Reply)
Of course.

(, Thu 24 Jul 2014, 19:28, Reply)
Of course

(, Thu 24 Jul 2014, 19:28, Reply)
Rob must have changed something.

(, Thu 24 Jul 2014, 19:49, Reply)
His clothes.

(, Thu 24 Jul 2014, 19:51, Reply)
Why does no body every groom me :(
Just because I have no bumble aint it. bastards
(, Thu 24 Jul 2014, 18:58, Reply)
*grooms*

(, Thu 24 Jul 2014, 19:04, Reply)
mmmmmm feels just like rolf harris

(, Thu 24 Jul 2014, 19:10, Reply)
BUMHOLES

(, Thu 24 Jul 2014, 19:08, Reply)
terrible bullying of bumless

(, Thu 24 Jul 2014, 19:24, Reply)
OOI, where did your bum go?

(, Thu 24 Jul 2014, 19:29, Reply)
bouncing up and down on your mum

(, Thu 24 Jul 2014, 19:49, Reply)
Did she pay up front?

(, Thu 24 Jul 2014, 19:52, Reply)
Fuck off back to QOTW.
We don't want your sort round here.
(, Thu 24 Jul 2014, 19:54, Reply)
Its the LOVELY stuj come to save the day.
tell him to get fucked stuj, tell him, go on, tell him.
(, Thu 24 Jul 2014, 19:59, Reply)
A bromance here.

(, Thu 24 Jul 2014, 20:02, Reply)
clicking this

(, Thu 24 Jul 2014, 20:04, Reply)
I realise /talk is the most exclusive part of b3ta. As in dead.

(, Thu 24 Jul 2014, 20:10, Reply)
hahaha yeah

(, Thu 24 Jul 2014, 20:11, Reply)
Afternoon all
Got an interview tomorrow as a carer for mental ill people. Should be interesting. Either that or they'll admit me as a patient.
(, Thu 24 Jul 2014, 14:48, Reply)
I suppose this place has prepared you well for this career.
Good luck bumless.
(, Thu 24 Jul 2014, 14:50, Reply)
Yeah thought I might well bump into a few of you

(, Thu 24 Jul 2014, 14:56, Reply)
The director is still refusing to let me employ somebody to do all the shit parts of my job
but I was trying for you.
(, Thu 24 Jul 2014, 15:11, Reply)
ahhh cheers glovers

(, Thu 24 Jul 2014, 15:15, Reply)
I'll keep trying, may be able to break him down in the end.

(, Thu 24 Jul 2014, 15:32, Reply)

down in
(, Thu 24 Jul 2014, 15:33, Reply)
My friend took up a job as a carer.
We met up a few days later for a drink, his opening gambit: "so I now know what human shit tastes like".

I questioned whether diet made any notable difference

he explained he was in a closed system where they were all fed the same thing so he couldn't be sure.
(, Thu 24 Jul 2014, 14:51, Reply)
I am afraid....

(, Thu 24 Jul 2014, 14:53, Reply)
if it's a closed system you'll get used to the taste
maybe you'll end up liking it?
(, Thu 24 Jul 2014, 14:55, Reply)
the human caterpillar?

(, Thu 24 Jul 2014, 15:33, Reply)
no, I'm quite full as it is, thanks

(, Thu 24 Jul 2014, 15:37, Reply)
Good luck The LOVELY bumless.
And if you are going to try to grope the mentalisms up a bit, check the room for cameras first.
(, Thu 24 Jul 2014, 14:56, Reply)
Cheers The LOVLEY stuj
roger that, got my bug sweeping kit ready
(, Thu 24 Jul 2014, 14:59, Reply)
Coz ur MAD, u are!

(, Thu 24 Jul 2014, 15:20, Reply)
Good luck bumless!

(, Thu 24 Jul 2014, 15:40, Reply)
I did care work for crazies as a student
Top tip: don't let the boxer with Alzheimer's punch you in the throat while you're spoon feeding him.
(, Thu 24 Jul 2014, 16:03, Reply)
On the subject of top tips, I'm trying to come up with PACT coffee top tips for this week's newsletter
www.b3ta.com/questions/toptips/
(, Thu 24 Jul 2014, 16:04, Reply)
I have tried to help you out with this one

(, Thu 24 Jul 2014, 16:36, Reply)
alright

(, Thu 24 Jul 2014, 12:44, Reply)
yeh
you?
(, Thu 24 Jul 2014, 12:51, Reply)
I AM GOING TO TAKE ALL OF MY LUNCH BREAK.
ALL OF IT... AND NONE OF IT WITH THESE FUCKS I WORK WITH
(, Thu 24 Jul 2014, 12:55, Reply)
I TOOK ALL OF IT!

(, Thu 24 Jul 2014, 14:25, Reply)
^hero

(, Thu 24 Jul 2014, 14:27, Reply)
*high fives*

(, Thu 24 Jul 2014, 14:28, Reply)
AN HOUR AND A HALF!!!???

(, Thu 24 Jul 2014, 14:47, Reply)
I had a few emails to send on my return
just an hour.
(, Thu 24 Jul 2014, 14:49, Reply)
would it have killed you to let us know you were back?

(, Thu 24 Jul 2014, 14:54, Reply)
You don't really care about me internet.

(, Thu 24 Jul 2014, 14:56, Reply)
no, that's true

(, Thu 24 Jul 2014, 15:05, Reply)
I'm not bothered, I live in a society where I can buy a tin of broad beans MONDAY-FRIDAY AT ANY HOUR OF THE DAY

(, Thu 24 Jul 2014, 15:15, Reply)
prove it

(, Thu 24 Jul 2014, 15:31, Reply)
I've just tweeted ASDA
I'll keep you updated.
(, Thu 24 Jul 2014, 15:38, Reply)
UPDATE:
https://twitter.com/AsdaServiceTeam/status/492325649663524864
(, Thu 24 Jul 2014, 16:12, Reply)
I am satisfied that proof has been delivered here

(, Thu 24 Jul 2014, 16:14, Reply)
also, totes stalking you now

(, Thu 24 Jul 2014, 16:14, Reply)
that's fine
I'm GMOS, I'm used to it.
(, Thu 24 Jul 2014, 16:17, Reply)
HURRAH!

(, Thu 24 Jul 2014, 14:57, Reply)
this is torture.

(, Thu 24 Jul 2014, 12:55, Reply)
quit your whining

(, Thu 24 Jul 2014, 13:02, Reply)
seriously gloves you wanna try working in this fucking office.

(, Thu 24 Jul 2014, 13:06, Reply)
no, no i really don't,
i want to get the fuck out of this one so I can begin my four day ecstatic hallucinacions with hippies and hobos.
(, Thu 24 Jul 2014, 13:09, Reply)
I just took delivery of some lovely new shrooms.
my last day tomorrow and then just over three weeks off work.

I wouldn't call Shambles a hippy though, although Dozer is a hobo.
(, Thu 24 Jul 2014, 13:11, Reply)
mmmm tasty. but you may have trouble getting them to rhodes, my advice would be to eat them in the toilets at the airport before you leave

(, Thu 24 Jul 2014, 13:19, Reply)
Oh yes I have no intention of taking them with me...
fuck that imagine the flight there if you had them before take off.
(, Thu 24 Jul 2014, 13:23, Reply)
as long as they had gin and tonic in a can, i'd be fine...for the other passengers however, i imagine it to be a harrowing experience

(, Thu 24 Jul 2014, 13:30, Reply)
mushroom sandwich, lots of mayo

(, Thu 24 Jul 2014, 17:38, Reply)
so there i was on a flight to algeria

(, Thu 24 Jul 2014, 13:09, Reply)
u ok hun?

(, Thu 24 Jul 2014, 13:27, Reply)
alright
might do a poo
(, Thu 24 Jul 2014, 13:29, Reply)
I hope its a good one

(, Thu 24 Jul 2014, 13:52, Reply)

Was alright.
(, Thu 24 Jul 2014, 14:24, Reply)
bit cunted to be honest

(, Thu 24 Jul 2014, 13:56, Reply)
yes mongy!
get on that swarm ride, and don't flake
(, Thu 24 Jul 2014, 14:01, Reply)
been and done, wernt all that, I like the really fast one, that's proper quick

(, Thu 24 Jul 2014, 14:25, Reply)
the one that goes along and then up, then down and then it's over in about 9 seconds?

(, Thu 24 Jul 2014, 15:04, Reply)
Nah, it's this heat.

(, Thu 24 Jul 2014, 13:56, Reply)
hiya
what's the plan, then?
(, Thu 24 Jul 2014, 8:35, Reply)
let's just have a cup of tea and take it from there

(, Thu 24 Jul 2014, 8:38, Reply)
alright, prick and wanker are not a sign of afternoon. they are signs of having tried to remain morning for too long

(, Thu 24 Jul 2014, 8:40, Reply)
the milk's off so i had a black coffee

(, Thu 24 Jul 2014, 8:46, Reply)
that's ok I think coffee can be nice either with or without milk

(, Thu 24 Jul 2014, 8:49, Reply)
Yep, this checks out

(, Thu 24 Jul 2014, 9:18, Reply)
try it with a little sugar occasionally as well

(, Thu 24 Jul 2014, 9:19, Reply)
for a treat

(, Thu 24 Jul 2014, 9:23, Reply)
oh yeah not all the time

(, Thu 24 Jul 2014, 9:25, Reply)
who are you, Pact Coffee?

(, Thu 24 Jul 2014, 12:34, Reply)
Yes
PACT COFFEE, DELIVERED TO YOUR DOOR. Exclusive B3ta offer,
delicious fresh coffee. Get your first 250g bag of Pact Coffee sent to home
or work for just 1 when you use code 'b3ta' here
(, Thu 24 Jul 2014, 13:29, Reply)
I tried to drink mine but my cup was centimetres from my face and now my groin is hot and damp :(
also I have spilled some tea on my shirt.
(, Thu 24 Jul 2014, 12:23, Reply)
i'll drive and pick you up then we'll head around Jim's for about 9.30 i reckon

(, Thu 24 Jul 2014, 8:39, Reply)
but jim's already here

(, Thu 24 Jul 2014, 8:47, Reply)
oh ok

(, Thu 24 Jul 2014, 8:48, Reply)
i'll tell him to fuck off

(, Thu 24 Jul 2014, 8:57, Reply)
please
i can't have people ruining things
(, Thu 24 Jul 2014, 9:00, Reply)
sniff, redbulls and rollercoasters

(, Thu 24 Jul 2014, 8:40, Reply)
I think mongy is going to have a better day than all of us put together to be fair

(, Thu 24 Jul 2014, 8:46, Reply)
aww man, that sounds like fun
there's a rollercoaster in oakwood called speed, i've always wanted to go on speed, on speed
(, Thu 24 Jul 2014, 8:49, Reply)
I'm quite jealous here.

(, Thu 24 Jul 2014, 9:20, Reply)
as it is hot I might even go on the log flume thingy

(, Thu 24 Jul 2014, 9:34, Reply)
the proper one, or ribena rapids?

(, Thu 24 Jul 2014, 9:50, Reply)
ooh, they have that tidal wave one too...that will cool you down

(, Thu 24 Jul 2014, 9:50, Reply)
I went on the log flume at Alton towers with captain sensible in about 1981
he didn't fiddle me up
(, Thu 24 Jul 2014, 10:19, Reply)
much

(, Thu 24 Jul 2014, 12:54, Reply)
last day at work before my 4 day weekend
YEAH!
(, Thu 24 Jul 2014, 8:47, Reply)
yeah but what's the plan

(, Thu 24 Jul 2014, 8:49, Reply)
oh...
urm, to drive to the shop to replace the lunch I left at home
(, Thu 24 Jul 2014, 8:53, Reply)
Last two days in work.
Do as little as possible
(, Thu 24 Jul 2014, 8:57, Reply)
last two days before what?
you elope with a student?
(, Thu 24 Jul 2014, 9:00, Reply)
I WISH!
Last two days I have to come to this shit hole. And then off to Rhodes for 2 weeks on Tuesday, don't you be worrying your pretty little head though pipe man I will stay in touch xx
(, Thu 24 Jul 2014, 9:04, Reply)
Im going to try and finish work early then go out for my tea

(, Thu 24 Jul 2014, 8:57, Reply)
if you finish right now you can go out for breakfast

(, Thu 24 Jul 2014, 9:03, Reply)
no point i already had a banana

(, Thu 24 Jul 2014, 9:09, Reply)
Well, I'm bascially going to keep living the way I am
Keep working until I can afford to retire, then do a bit of travelling.
(, Thu 24 Jul 2014, 9:17, Reply)
round fareham, emsworth, etc?
spread your wings a bit?
(, Thu 24 Jul 2014, 9:21, Reply)
Steady on
You need a passport and injections to go to fareham
(, Thu 24 Jul 2014, 9:23, Reply)
I like the sound of funtington

(, Thu 24 Jul 2014, 9:26, Reply)
Yes, me too

(, Thu 24 Jul 2014, 9:48, Reply)
shitterton in dorset is quite nice

(, Thu 24 Jul 2014, 11:47, Reply)
that's pretty fucking depressing
no offence like
(, Thu 24 Jul 2014, 9:28, Reply)
It is?

(, Thu 24 Jul 2014, 9:47, Reply)
I suppose it's ok if you don't really value your brief mortality.

(, Thu 24 Jul 2014, 9:58, Reply)
half a day of work then off to the seaside for a few days while it's sunny

(, Thu 24 Jul 2014, 9:20, Reply)
Which sea side?
This is important do not leave us hanging.
(, Thu 24 Jul 2014, 10:43, Reply)
Endorse it? Why I thoroughly recommend it!

(, Thu 24 Jul 2014, 11:07, Reply)
Gods own county
excellent choice fella
(, Thu 24 Jul 2014, 11:46, Reply)
alright gloves.

(, Thu 24 Jul 2014, 12:19, Reply)
yeeeaaah buddy
I'll be off tomorow to do a circus workshop for 4 days. gonna drop lsd and let the devil rip my eyes out through my kneecaps...finally some respite from work :D you?
(, Thu 24 Jul 2014, 12:21, Reply)
Set off the bug smoke bomb in the garage, pop back after 5 hours to sweep up all the spider corpses

(, Thu 24 Jul 2014, 9:33, Reply)

Franko goes in where the others have been
(, Thu 24 Jul 2014, 11:25, Reply)
morning

(, Thu 24 Jul 2014, 7:45, Reply)
moaning

(, Thu 24 Jul 2014, 7:50, Reply)
shammer

(, Thu 24 Jul 2014, 8:02, Reply)
word to your mothers, but only in a deeply respectful way

(, Thu 24 Jul 2014, 7:55, Reply)
meaty

(, Thu 24 Jul 2014, 8:03, Reply)
whatevs

(, Thu 24 Jul 2014, 8:31, Reply)
oh hi

(, Thu 24 Jul 2014, 7:55, Reply)
scouser

(, Thu 24 Jul 2014, 8:03, Reply)
bumholes
DEATH TO ALL SPIDERS!
(, Thu 24 Jul 2014, 7:58, Reply)
bumholes, you say?

(, Thu 24 Jul 2014, 8:03, Reply)
bit racist

(, Thu 24 Jul 2014, 7:59, Reply)
fuck off dozers

(, Thu 24 Jul 2014, 8:03, Reply)
fuck off horzo

(, Thu 24 Jul 2014, 8:08, Reply)
i've got a golden ticket

(, Thu 24 Jul 2014, 8:04, Reply)
The next train does not stop here :(

(, Thu 24 Jul 2014, 8:08, Reply)
awww man

(, Thu 24 Jul 2014, 8:14, Reply)
What's your ticket for?

(, Thu 24 Jul 2014, 8:19, Reply)
thorpe park , off in a bit

(, Thu 24 Jul 2014, 8:26, Reply)
We can give students "golden tickets" on our student management system
It has never been explained to me what it means. So I have given every student I taught last year a golden ticket on there...see what happens innit.
(, Thu 24 Jul 2014, 8:11, Reply)
typical grooming behaviour

(, Thu 24 Jul 2014, 8:12, Reply)
Ah now come on Dozer
They aren't all sexy.
(, Thu 24 Jul 2014, 8:33, Reply)
is it THAT time already?
Get fucked
(, Thu 24 Jul 2014, 8:11, Reply)
up yer bum

(, Thu 24 Jul 2014, 8:18, Reply)
morning mr h

(, Thu 24 Jul 2014, 8:37, Reply)
I want pizza...

(, Wed 23 Jul 2014, 23:19, Reply)
Deep pan or thin crust?

(, Wed 23 Jul 2014, 23:20, Reply)
Both, I am a slut of lacklustre moralistically considered 'values'.

(, Wed 23 Jul 2014, 23:40, Reply)
shambo's no here eh.
Shambo's away.
(, Wed 23 Jul 2014, 23:22, Reply)
hello

(, Wed 23 Jul 2014, 23:27, Reply)
alright, I hear you have a pizza oven

(, Wed 23 Jul 2014, 23:34, Reply)
I do

(, Thu 24 Jul 2014, 7:48, Reply)

woo yay houpla die in a fire dot com
(, Thu 24 Jul 2014, 0:26, Reply)
The MASSIVEST cunt spider just ran out from behind my wardrobe. Unloaded a full magazine from my airsoft AEP at the fucker and missed with all 30 rounds, had to flatten it with a shoe instead.

(, Wed 23 Jul 2014, 23:30, Reply)
try dusting occasionally, you great fuckimg fairy

(, Wed 23 Jul 2014, 23:32, Reply)
s'alright, I've just puffed great clouds of insect killing powder all around my bedroom, the air's thick with the stuff, don't see how any other spiders can survive in here so I can sleep soundly now.

(, Wed 23 Jul 2014, 23:35, Reply)
Just in case though I'm gonna sleep with my KA-BAR 1257 Combat Knife under my pillow.

(, Wed 23 Jul 2014, 23:36, Reply)
Amusinf

(, Wed 23 Jul 2014, 23:44, Reply)
My lady has not yet asked why there is a US double sided combat knife in our new abode in the corner of the bedroom

(, Wed 23 Jul 2014, 23:46, Reply)
Albeit an original from the Korean war, and we are now in Towie toon.

(, Wed 23 Jul 2014, 23:49, Reply)
I have a 3 foot punjabi steel wedding sabre downstairs.
It's pretty blunt but that doesn't seem to matter with spiders.
(, Thu 24 Jul 2014, 0:00, Reply)
is it because she's really fucking thick?

(, Thu 24 Jul 2014, 7:50, Reply)
Might not wake up, that stuff is harmful to humans too

(, Wed 23 Jul 2014, 23:37, Reply)
Nah, from the warning pictures on the bottle it looks like it just fucks up fish, trees and bats.

(, Wed 23 Jul 2014, 23:40, Reply)
fuck bats yo

(, Wed 23 Jul 2014, 23:41, Reply)
Celebrating my victory with a nice gin and tonic

(, Thu 24 Jul 2014, 0:09, Reply)
cunt spider? sounds nasty

(, Thu 24 Jul 2014, 1:32, Reply)
natural predators of cunt flies, innit.
preferable to cunt wasps, cunt frogs or cunt skinks.
(, Thu 24 Jul 2014, 1:49, Reply)
cunts
alt: wanky wanky wank wank
(, Wed 23 Jul 2014, 22:28, Reply)
fuck off horzo

(, Wed 23 Jul 2014, 22:31, Reply)
dozers

(, Wed 23 Jul 2014, 22:50, Reply)
alright

(, Wed 23 Jul 2014, 22:57, Reply)
Thought you lot were in the juicer

(, Wed 23 Jul 2014, 22:33, Reply)
I only stopped in for one
too warm for a long session.
(, Wed 23 Jul 2014, 22:51, Reply)
Fruit based drink for the ladies
For me in the garden. It was fruity and enjoyable.
(, Wed 23 Jul 2014, 22:56, Reply)
this is typical

(, Wed 23 Jul 2014, 22:49, Reply)
rich

(, Wed 23 Jul 2014, 22:51, Reply)
mr.h

(, Wed 23 Jul 2014, 22:53, Reply)
There's no need

(, Thu 24 Jul 2014, 1:01, Reply)
fuck this for a game of soggy biscuit
I'm off down the boozer
(, Wed 23 Jul 2014, 18:14, Reply)
I'm on my way

(, Wed 23 Jul 2014, 18:17, Reply)
:(
You tease me so.
(, Wed 23 Jul 2014, 18:32, Reply)
I'm teasing myself with this strength of IPA on a weeknight

(, Wed 23 Jul 2014, 18:51, Reply)
+ for a game of soggy biscuit

(, Wed 23 Jul 2014, 18:18, Reply)
I heard Shambles likes to soggify his biscuits by dunking them in a pint of mild.
The FREAK.
(, Wed 23 Jul 2014, 18:53, Reply)
some cunt had me on the 8% black booze
I say some cunt. I mean me.
(, Wed 23 Jul 2014, 23:22, Reply)
Apparently, it's soggy biscuit night down the boozer

(, Wed 23 Jul 2014, 18:23, Reply)
it's always soggy biscuit night when I'm around

(, Wed 23 Jul 2014, 18:31, Reply)
beats quiz night

(, Wed 23 Jul 2014, 19:27, Reply)
If there's a pool table I am IN!

(, Wed 23 Jul 2014, 18:31, Reply)
there isn't

(, Wed 23 Jul 2014, 18:32, Reply)
Now are you just playing hard to get?
I bet there fucking is isn't there you hard faced cunt.
(, Wed 23 Jul 2014, 18:42, Reply)
bit harsh

(, Wed 23 Jul 2014, 22:14, Reply)
FFS dude

(, Wed 23 Jul 2014, 22:41, Reply)
get us a pint in ya tight fucker

(, Wed 23 Jul 2014, 18:47, Reply)
damn, maybe I came on too strong :(

(, Wed 23 Jul 2014, 19:02, Reply)
What you having?
Pint of golden? Those cunts that order a golden or a "mix" piss me off
(, Wed 23 Jul 2014, 19:09, Reply)
soz ... I was at the pub.

(, Wed 23 Jul 2014, 23:23, Reply)
omg me too
I'm going to see some early 90s indie stars in a new guise
(, Wed 23 Jul 2014, 19:37, Reply)
who is it?

(, Wed 23 Jul 2014, 20:05, Reply)
somebody hurt my soul now

(, Wed 23 Jul 2014, 20:12, Reply)
Pete Fij from shoegaze nearly-rans, adorable, with terry bickers, ex of house of love

(, Wed 23 Jul 2014, 21:14, Reply)
I quite liked Dark Star, they were a Levitation spinoff

(, Wed 23 Jul 2014, 21:35, Reply)
cool story

(, Wed 23 Jul 2014, 23:19, Reply)
afternoon

(, Wed 23 Jul 2014, 12:10, Reply)
agreed

(, Wed 23 Jul 2014, 12:14, Reply)
alright djrich
spin them decks blud!
(, Wed 23 Jul 2014, 12:37, Reply)
word

(, Wed 23 Jul 2014, 17:29, Reply)
Fucking hell. Alright?

(, Wed 23 Jul 2014, 17:33, Reply)
yo

(, Wed 23 Jul 2014, 20:43, Reply)
Richard.

(, Wed 23 Jul 2014, 16:02, Reply)
Neil.

(, Wed 23 Jul 2014, 17:30, Reply)
Vivian.

(, Wed 23 Jul 2014, 17:33, Reply)
CLIFF'S HEAD

(, Wed 23 Jul 2014, 18:05, Reply)
Prick

(, Wed 23 Jul 2014, 18:31, Reply)
Cock

(, Wed 23 Jul 2014, 19:57, Reply)
Alright LBOP

(, Wed 23 Jul 2014, 20:47, Reply)
alright

(, Wed 23 Jul 2014, 12:23, Reply)
alright mongy hows the new kettle?

(, Wed 23 Jul 2014, 12:37, Reply)
my current favourite, i think i'm pretty much done, need to find something else to collect now

(, Wed 23 Jul 2014, 12:43, Reply)
and the world cup has just finished as well./

(, Wed 23 Jul 2014, 12:46, Reply)
i've been watching the tour of france, and the commonwealth games starts tommoz, but i'm going thorpe park with a bag of sniff and a fast pass for the rides, woohoo

(, Wed 23 Jul 2014, 13:14, Reply)
Good plan
I went on the saw ride when it first came out, the MDMA kicked in just as I sat in the chair...AMAZING.
That newish one is really good too, it's called swarm, or swat or something.
(, Wed 23 Jul 2014, 13:19, Reply)
i haven't been for 20 years, don't think they had any rides then, roller disco was about it, dunno if it's a good idea with that electric shock shit ive got friday but fuck it

(, Wed 23 Jul 2014, 13:22, Reply)
You will not regret it
get on the front of the new one if you can, front end seat.
(, Wed 23 Jul 2014, 13:28, Reply)
we need a b3ta narcotics bash

(, Wed 23 Jul 2014, 13:29, Reply)
at thorpe park?

(, Wed 23 Jul 2014, 13:34, Reply)
i imagine if we had it in your garden
and just pretended we were at Thorpe Park it would kinda work.
(, Wed 23 Jul 2014, 13:35, Reply)
I've got a scooter there my missus picked up that doesnt work, we could take it in turns to sit on that
high on ketamine before entering the shed of horror, or petting the exotic animals of the rabbit run. I have an outside tap if we fancy a take on tidal wave...
(, Wed 23 Jul 2014, 13:40, Reply)
Well my appraisal is over now.
Apparently I am really good at everything that i do - apart from communicating with work colleagues.

I did state in my defence that I work with complete fucking knuckle dragging shitheads.
(, Wed 23 Jul 2014, 15:17, Reply)
When you come here for respite from the people around you, it's bad.

(, Wed 23 Jul 2014, 15:22, Reply)
the fucking oiks on this board are far far nicer than the people i work with
the difference in intelligence levels is negligible
(, Wed 23 Jul 2014, 15:24, Reply)


Pssst, What does negligible mean?
(, Wed 23 Jul 2014, 15:27, Reply)
there is an element of irony in the fact you used small characters to enquire about the word negligible.
well done. I have just been told that i can go home early because I am fucking fantastic.
(, Wed 23 Jul 2014, 15:33, Reply)
You're so good at your job,
they want you to go away?
(, Wed 23 Jul 2014, 15:46, Reply)
That's about the size of it
I mean I am fucking wonderful
(, Wed 23 Jul 2014, 16:11, Reply)
prick

(, Wed 23 Jul 2014, 15:32, Reply)
wanker

(, Wed 23 Jul 2014, 15:33, Reply)
think I'm burning ... might have to move into the shade

(, Wed 23 Jul 2014, 12:23, Reply)
that's why you need a hammock to provide the dappled sunlight to gently warm your old bones

(, Wed 23 Jul 2014, 12:32, Reply)
do you HAVE to have trees to have a hammock?

(, Wed 23 Jul 2014, 12:38, Reply)
i'm not a hammock expert , soz

(, Wed 23 Jul 2014, 12:44, Reply)
they are a different kettle of watches

(, Wed 23 Jul 2014, 12:54, Reply)
you can get hammocks with their own stand if you want to look like a proper dillweed

(, Wed 23 Jul 2014, 13:45, Reply)
my garden has no trees this might be the only option.
It also has no grass.
(, Wed 23 Jul 2014, 15:35, Reply)
I think that's a yard rather than a garden.

(, Wed 23 Jul 2014, 15:38, Reply)
I think you might be right
It is all paved, with a garden table and chairs and some bushes and flowers. Is that technically a yard?
(, Wed 23 Jul 2014, 16:12, Reply)
dunno ... could be a patio ... depends how middle class you are

(, Wed 23 Jul 2014, 16:22, Reply)
Towards the bottom of middle.
I have half a patio. I would like some grass at some point
(, Wed 23 Jul 2014, 16:28, Reply)
civilised countries have things called "buildings" that give convenient shelter from that sort of weather.

(, Wed 23 Jul 2014, 12:38, Reply)
or a nice bivvy

(, Wed 23 Jul 2014, 12:44, Reply)
^He's a bivvy lover
he'll put it up when he needs shelter
like no other,
Bivvy protects him from the UV raaaaays.
(, Wed 23 Jul 2014, 12:53, Reply)
bivvy, bivvy, bivvy, bivvy bag
bivvy, bivvy, bivvy, bivvy bag
bivvy, bivvy bag
bivvy, bivvy bag
bivvy, bivvy, bivvy, bivvy bag
(, Wed 23 Jul 2014, 13:02, Reply)
the only people i see in bivvys
are piss heads fishing at 6:30am when I go for a run. All people that fish are piss heads. FACT.
(, Wed 23 Jul 2014, 13:33, Reply)
most anglers i know don't drink when they fish, i used to have a few beers but it is better enjoyment sober, keeps you keener

(, Wed 23 Jul 2014, 13:35, Reply)
You fish with the intention of catching fish?
I thought it was just an excuse to drink/smoke?
(, Wed 23 Jul 2014, 15:05, Reply)
it is...he's just very good at it and has managed to convince you he goes fishing to catch fish.

(, Wed 23 Jul 2014, 15:14, Reply)
I have great GREAT respect for fishing people.
I went once when I was a kid with my grandad and uncle, it was horrific. 6am start as a 14 year old, 6 hours to wait until tuna sarnies, about 2pm I caught a fucking eel, an EEL! In the Great Sankey canal freaked the fuck out and glomped off home. Never went again.
(, Wed 23 Jul 2014, 16:36, Reply)
bivvy bivvy bivvy a man after midnight

(, Wed 23 Jul 2014, 16:28, Reply)
afternoon SpaF
wosson?
(, Wed 23 Jul 2014, 12:26, Reply)
not a lot, actually I have my appraisal at work at 1:30pm.
Cannot fucking wait. You?
(, Wed 23 Jul 2014, 12:39, Reply)
Not a lot, sacked another 4 useless Romanians
thats now 8 in a week...tomorrows my last day before a 4 day weekend, whooop :D
(, Wed 23 Jul 2014, 12:51, Reply)
'cept you'll have to work this weekend because you're clearly understaffed.

(, Wed 23 Jul 2014, 12:55, Reply)
nah, they werent doin 'out anyways
I got some british workers to replace em...also useless, but at least they havent stolen anything yet, like my lunch, the brand new spanners, or 10 packets of cigarettes from fellow colleagues. aaah, site life eh.
(, Wed 23 Jul 2014, 12:59, Reply)
afternoon SpiffersFlims
it's too cunting hot etc. I'm going to drink cheap cider in a field again like a true dole scum
(, Wed 23 Jul 2014, 12:59, Reply)
coop are doing 4 wrongbow for 3.50 at the moment

(, Wed 23 Jul 2014, 13:16, Reply)
morrisons
3 henry westons for 5
(, Wed 23 Jul 2014, 13:20, Reply)
my gaff
45 homebrews fer nuffin
(, Wed 23 Jul 2014, 14:13, Reply)
tell me where you live

(, Wed 23 Jul 2014, 15:04, Reply)
The South.

(, Wed 23 Jul 2014, 16:05, Reply)
I'll sniff it out

(, Wed 23 Jul 2014, 16:09, Reply)
It's a bit dry.

(, Wed 23 Jul 2014, 16:17, Reply)
I loves moi coider dry

(, Wed 23 Jul 2014, 17:16, Reply)
yeah, there's no sugar left in this at all.

(, Wed 23 Jul 2014, 17:18, Reply)
whats yer guestimate on percentage?

(, Wed 23 Jul 2014, 17:32, Reply)
alright spanishfly, I hope your internet browsing history isn't raised in your appraisal

(, Wed 23 Jul 2014, 13:02, Reply)
alright dozer
luckily at the time i was tethering to my iDevice.

I do get some funny looks though as all i have had on my screen for the past 3 weeks is b3ta.
(, Wed 23 Jul 2014, 13:30, Reply)
I have food poisoning.
Up all night puking and shitting. Today I'm farting and cramped. Need yoghurt and tea. Send help.
(, Wed 23 Jul 2014, 13:47, Reply)
lol

(, Wed 23 Jul 2014, 13:49, Reply)
double lol

(, Wed 23 Jul 2014, 13:50, Reply)
quick, eat some more of those hot bananas

(, Wed 23 Jul 2014, 14:01, Reply)
You're probably dehydrated as well.
*Arm chair doctor*
(, Wed 23 Jul 2014, 15:51, Reply)
I'm a Leather Faced Manager Chair doctor
By which I mean I finally persuaded them to buy me a new chair cos for the past 6 months my chair has been suddenly and randomly dropping by three inches which is very irritating when it's right in the middle of telling someone they've got cancer.
(, Wed 23 Jul 2014, 15:59, Reply)
sounds like an episode of Miranda
"I'm so sorry, but you have cancer."
*Chair drops*
*Audience laugh*
*Pull face to camera or imaginary camera*
*fourth wall broken: claim BAFTA in comedy*
(, Wed 23 Jul 2014, 16:02, Reply)
Persuaded them to buy you a chair?
You're not in general practice, then?
(, Wed 23 Jul 2014, 16:02, Reply)
Well actually I resorted to ordering my own chair after hours of research and told the practice manager to reimburse me. at which point all the other partners suddenly decided they wanted new chairs too, and also new desks. Pricks.

(, Wed 23 Jul 2014, 16:37, Reply)
Based on my recent experience with both GPs and Practice Managers,
it would seem to be the case that the GPs are notionally in charge, in that they own the business, but are so utterly incapable of even the simplest task, that they have to employ someone to take care of them and run the business.
I'm not totally convinced that you're not all retired on the grounds of poor mental health, and that the PMs aren't actually your carers.
(, Wed 23 Jul 2014, 17:59, Reply)
Or alternatively so fucking busy with appointments and paperwork that we don't usually have time to even think about anything else

(, Wed 23 Jul 2014, 18:18, Reply)
Which must be why you hardly ever post here.

(, Wed 23 Jul 2014, 19:45, Reply)
Yeah, I'm going to go with my first answer.

(, Wed 23 Jul 2014, 21:27, Reply)

YOU LIE
(, Wed 23 Jul 2014, 16:53, Reply)
morning

(, Wed 23 Jul 2014, 6:53, Reply)
fuck off dozers

(, Wed 23 Jul 2014, 7:47, Reply)
alright Mr H

(, Wed 23 Jul 2014, 8:32, Reply)

"cun"
(, Wed 23 Jul 2014, 19:57, Reply)
doze off fuckers

(, Wed 23 Jul 2014, 7:58, Reply)
meaty

(, Wed 23 Jul 2014, 8:00, Reply)
hows it going?

(, Wed 23 Jul 2014, 8:00, Reply)
rapidly
The roads are clear.
(, Wed 23 Jul 2014, 8:05, Reply)
great news! massive congratulations, but be careful yeah?

(, Wed 23 Jul 2014, 8:07, Reply)
I leave careful to the driver

(, Wed 23 Jul 2014, 8:09, Reply)
yeah drivers are queers

(, Wed 23 Jul 2014, 8:12, Reply)
Good morning me ol' china

(, Wed 23 Jul 2014, 8:09, Reply)
alright Glovo

(, Wed 23 Jul 2014, 8:33, Reply)
yeah yeah, got friday off this week, and monday next week. 4 day weekend joy is building inside :D
whats on with you?
(, Wed 23 Jul 2014, 8:38, Reply)
just buggin' yo

(, Wed 23 Jul 2014, 8:42, Reply)
schweet

(, Wed 23 Jul 2014, 10:08, Reply)
bender

(, Wed 23 Jul 2014, 8:10, Reply)
fuck a horse

(, Wed 23 Jul 2014, 8:15, Reply)
How do I fucking horse?

(, Wed 23 Jul 2014, 8:34, Reply)

www.b3ta.com/features/faq/
(, Wed 23 Jul 2014, 10:13, Reply)
That only works if you're a horse

(, Wed 23 Jul 2014, 12:05, Reply)
yo

(, Wed 23 Jul 2014, 8:25, Reply)
yolo me nigga

(, Wed 23 Jul 2014, 8:33, Reply)
unless you're James Bond who only lives twice!
haha I'm a card me!
(, Wed 23 Jul 2014, 8:37, Reply)
haha classic!
You should be on New Faces Talent Time!
(, Wed 23 Jul 2014, 8:40, Reply)
mornington m

(, Wed 23 Jul 2014, 8:39, Reply)
haha classic tangledupinblue!

(, Wed 23 Jul 2014, 8:41, Reply)
"jumped up, dictionary bashing mid-life skater prick" is a hilarious "meme" and should be repeated as much as possible

(, Wed 23 Jul 2014, 8:57, Reply)
is it though? is it really?

(, Wed 23 Jul 2014, 9:02, Reply)
YOU!

(, Wed 23 Jul 2014, 8:57, Reply)
alright monster munch

(, Wed 23 Jul 2014, 9:01, Reply)
alright dozer

(, Wed 23 Jul 2014, 9:07, Reply)
aye nae bad ken

(, Wed 23 Jul 2014, 9:48, Reply)
It wasn't until I met the wife's extended family,
that I discovered that watching Ran C Nesbitt had been a learning tool.
(, Wed 23 Jul 2014, 11:11, Reply)
anus
anus
(, Wed 23 Jul 2014, 9:05, Reply)
Alright

(, Wed 23 Jul 2014, 9:12, Reply)
Alright Big D!
How are you?
(, Wed 23 Jul 2014, 9:17, Reply)
Only 25 more /talk posts to go and I'll have posted more times on /talk than on /board!!!!!

(, Wed 23 Jul 2014, 9:17, Reply)
See if you can do it before 10am
What colour socks are you wearing?
(, Wed 23 Jul 2014, 9:34, Reply)
NO CYBERSEX-CHAT!

(, Wed 23 Jul 2014, 9:41, Reply)
I am not there YET!!!

(, Wed 23 Jul 2014, 9:42, Reply)
What if I said I'm not wearing any socks?

(, Wed 23 Jul 2014, 12:01, Reply)
check em

(, Wed 23 Jul 2014, 9:54, Reply)
nice trips

(, Wed 23 Jul 2014, 9:55, Reply)
great forum

(, Wed 23 Jul 2014, 9:59, Reply)
it'd be dead on its arse if you weren't claiming its dubs and trips

(, Wed 23 Jul 2014, 10:44, Reply)
i'm hoping GLASGOW 2014, will provide the much needed boost LONDON 2012 did, GO TEAM ENGLAND

(, Wed 23 Jul 2014, 10:48, Reply)
I used to live not far from the new sporty venues
it was rough as absolute fuck ... they've ruined it
(, Wed 23 Jul 2014, 10:51, Reply)
i watched a bbc program about it the other night, i'll admit for most of it i had no idea what the locals were saying, but the alkies riding at the velodrome was funny

(, Wed 23 Jul 2014, 10:56, Reply)
decent sorts Glasgow alkies
they'll always offer you a swig of their can of Tennant's Super
(, Wed 23 Jul 2014, 11:14, Reply)
BUMHOLES

(, Wed 23 Jul 2014, 11:14, Reply)
I for one will not find it funny if Shakin' Stevens develops Parkinson's Disease

(, Tue 22 Jul 2014, 22:45, Reply)
I for one will not find it funny if Decapitated are decapitated

(, Tue 22 Jul 2014, 22:47, Reply)
I for one will not find it funny if you die in a fire.
Alt: alright
(, Tue 22 Jul 2014, 22:49, Reply)
Aw bless you, you big gay
alright
(, Tue 22 Jul 2014, 22:59, Reply)
Blah blah blah Napalm Death

(, Wed 23 Jul 2014, 9:16, Reply)
aliens is just starting on film 4 and i'm eating a magnum , you cant harsh this buzz

(, Tue 22 Jul 2014, 23:00, Reply)
never seen Aliens
is it any good?
(, Tue 22 Jul 2014, 23:06, Reply)
not as good as Alien.

(, Tue 22 Jul 2014, 23:07, Reply)
it is very good, bit more action than the suspense of the first one but i sort of prefer it

(, Tue 22 Jul 2014, 23:10, Reply)
Alien is a slasher film in space.
Aliens is a Vietnam war film in space.
Alien 3 is a chick flick rom com in space. With rapists and murderers instead of Meg Ryan.
(, Tue 22 Jul 2014, 23:46, Reply)
and the 4th one should never of been made

(, Tue 22 Jul 2014, 23:51, Reply)
but it had Winona Ryder

(, Tue 22 Jul 2014, 23:57, Reply)
^This.
Also, the xenomorphs swimming was pretty fucking "WOAH! THIS LOOKS COOL!"
But yeah, mainly Winona. And her big brown beaver.
(, Wed 23 Jul 2014, 0:33, Reply)
this makes sense

(, Wed 23 Jul 2014, 0:32, Reply)
Alien 3 has the Tetley gaffer, Tywin Lannister, and Doctor Who,
and so beats all others, hands down. Has to be the extended cut, though, otherwise it doesn't make any sense.
(, Wed 23 Jul 2014, 8:57, Reply)
Are you a woman?

(, Wed 23 Jul 2014, 0:30, Reply)
tremors was on earlier

(, Tue 22 Jul 2014, 23:23, Reply)
fuck i like aliens
www.b3ta.com/board/11090958
(, Tue 22 Jul 2014, 23:32, Reply)
not clicking that it's probably a jedi

(, Tue 22 Jul 2014, 23:40, Reply)
click This
www.b3ta.com/board/11090963
(, Tue 22 Jul 2014, 23:59, Reply)
its funny cos we all recognise that face

(, Wed 23 Jul 2014, 0:31, Reply)
wheres mongers
i wanted to agree about the cricket being shit
(, Tue 22 Jul 2014, 19:37, Reply)
Watching shit cricket

(, Tue 22 Jul 2014, 20:02, Reply)
I can help you with that
The cricket is shit.
(, Tue 22 Jul 2014, 20:02, Reply)

the
(, Tue 22 Jul 2014, 20:07, Reply)

c
+s
(, Tue 22 Jul 2014, 20:16, Reply)
just got here sandy, i hope we win one test , dont look likely

(, Tue 22 Jul 2014, 20:43, Reply)
balls

(, Tue 22 Jul 2014, 21:34, Reply)
had a fiver down on it being 0-0,
gutted that's over
(, Tue 22 Jul 2014, 22:43, Reply)

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