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Why are you lot not watching Jaws 2?
Are you going to need a bigger TV?
(, Tue 7 Jul 2015, 22:23, Reply)
i don't even own a i'm going to need a bigger TV

(, Tue 7 Jul 2015, 22:28, Reply)
Alright

(, Tue 7 Jul 2015, 22:36, Reply)
not my sort of film anyway tbh

(, Tue 7 Jul 2015, 22:40, Reply)
Why not?

(, Tue 7 Jul 2015, 22:40, Reply)
portrays sharks in far too negative a light,
i think it's actually sharkophobic
(, Tue 7 Jul 2015, 23:08, Reply)
It portrays one shark in a bad light.
and to be fair it is a vindictive bastard.
(, Tue 7 Jul 2015, 23:29, Reply)
that's easy for you to dismiss it like that.
sharks have to live with this kind of stereotyping every day
(, Tue 7 Jul 2015, 23:33, Reply)
Is this film on everyday?
It's not bad so far.
(, Tue 7 Jul 2015, 23:40, Reply)
it's not just that one film!
sharks can't even walk down the street to the corner shop without folks running scared! and we call ourselves enlightened, it's a bloody tragedy.
#sharkpride
(, Tue 7 Jul 2015, 23:42, Reply)
Maybe because they are up to somefin fishy!

(, Tue 7 Jul 2015, 23:49, Reply)
Maybe because we're all maxed out on shit shark films?
youtu.be/kGTJ4Cv5ktE
(, Tue 7 Jul 2015, 23:20, Reply)
holy shit

(, Tue 7 Jul 2015, 23:51, Reply)
Wow, those special effects are amazing.
I almost believed Casper Van Dien was a real actor.
(, Tue 7 Jul 2015, 23:57, Reply)
oh man, I can't wait for them to make SHARKTOPUSNADO VS WHALEWOLFCANO

(, Tue 7 Jul 2015, 23:59, Reply)
I've got a free trial of Netflix (for the second time), so I watched the first episode of Attack On Titan (because someone had been banging on about it on here).
It was okay. Turns out I could have watched it dubbed into English, which would have been a massive improvement.
Might try Daredevil, another time. Might end up paying the £5.99 each month and not watching it at all, whilst the kids binge on Peppa Pig and Adventure Time.
(, Tue 7 Jul 2015, 23:53, Reply)
Who has the better glasses, Buddy Holly or Henry Kissinger?
Discuss.
(, Tue 7 Jul 2015, 20:03, Reply)
Both half pint wankers, I want a proper pint glass you yank pricks

(, Tue 7 Jul 2015, 20:06, Reply)
We didn't 'ave these bleeding litres when I was a young man

(, Tue 7 Jul 2015, 20:14, Reply)
I used to get a smurf for a gallon of 4 star , now its nectar points, broken

(, Tue 7 Jul 2015, 20:16, Reply)
Fucking hell, remember three-star eh?
Used to get stickers from BP that you could trade in for a poxy VHS tape or a microwave.
(, Tue 7 Jul 2015, 20:19, Reply)
I think our first microwave cost more than a sofa, and vhs tapes were nearly 10 quid

(, Tue 7 Jul 2015, 20:31, Reply)
i only remember 5 star,
they were fucking shit
(, Tue 7 Jul 2015, 20:31, Reply)
wankers

(, Tue 7 Jul 2015, 20:43, Reply)
when was the last time you were in a 5 star?

(, Tue 7 Jul 2015, 21:45, Reply)
what, a hotel?
i think the most star hotel i've ever stayed in is 4 star. and i thought that was posh enough. it had a swimming pool and everything
(, Tue 7 Jul 2015, 21:46, Reply)
yes a hotel, what other kinds of 5 star are there?

(, Tue 7 Jul 2015, 21:54, Reply)
restaurants,
edinburgh fringe shows,
'80s pop groups,
(, Tue 7 Jul 2015, 21:57, Reply)
the national flags of the following countries:
* Honduras
* Singapore
* Niue (Overseas territory of New Zealand)
* People's Republic of China
* Samoa
(, Tue 7 Jul 2015, 22:15, Reply)
my previous post

(, Tue 7 Jul 2015, 22:15, Reply)
ask a stupid question, get called a stupid prick

(, Tue 7 Jul 2015, 21:54, Reply)
Why are you so surely today?

(, Tue 7 Jul 2015, 22:01, Reply)
Anyone had any remarkable poos lately?

(, Tue 7 Jul 2015, 22:46, Reply)
having one right now
it's a stubborn beast, been pushing for 45 mins. think I know how childbirth must feel
(, Tue 7 Jul 2015, 22:59, Reply)
#scatchat

(, Tue 7 Jul 2015, 23:00, Reply)
What do you call an Italian with a rubber toe?

(, Tue 7 Jul 2015, 17:10, Reply)
Roberto HAHAHA GEDDIT

(, Tue 7 Jul 2015, 17:10, Reply)
wouldn't that be if his toe was a burglar?

(, Tue 7 Jul 2015, 18:21, Reply)
Then he'd be robbertoe you cretin

(, Tue 7 Jul 2015, 18:46, Reply)
god he's thick

(, Tue 7 Jul 2015, 18:48, Reply)
where did the fucking U go then, eh?

(, Tue 7 Jul 2015, 19:12, Reply)
dunno but I wish 'U' wud go ther 2 m8

(, Tue 7 Jul 2015, 19:26, Reply)
shan't

(, Tue 7 Jul 2015, 19:37, Reply)
another vote to get rid of manolith right here!
just one more and he'll have to ban himself.
(, Tue 7 Jul 2015, 21:43, Reply)
anything you like it won't hurt if he kicks you

(, Tue 7 Jul 2015, 17:13, Reply)
oh come on delivery,
do i really have to wait in ALL day?
(, Tue 7 Jul 2015, 17:16, Reply)
Just face it MGT, it's not coming.

(, Tue 7 Jul 2015, 17:19, Reply)
unlike christmas

(, Tue 7 Jul 2015, 17:36, Reply)
u int the boss of my facebook m8

(, Tue 7 Jul 2015, 17:37, Reply)
i love christmas

(, Tue 7 Jul 2015, 18:21, Reply)
any kind of mistmas
I love mistmas, just as long as it's gristmas
(, Tue 7 Jul 2015, 18:51, Reply)
you ordered Dominos?

(, Tue 7 Jul 2015, 17:33, Reply)
like i'd wait in all day for a pizza,
Dominos are rubbish anyway
(, Tue 7 Jul 2015, 17:36, Reply)
I only eat domino's pizza's, I prefer them over other chains

(, Tue 7 Jul 2015, 18:04, Reply)
dunno about chains,
but they're not as good as the place just down the road from the office. or the Turkish place in town. Or the Indians round the corner.

i suppose they're better than Pizza Hut though.
(, Tue 7 Jul 2015, 18:06, Reply)
Typical forced multiculturalism

(, Tue 7 Jul 2015, 18:19, Reply)
the Indians do a curry pizza,
it's the greatest
(, Tue 7 Jul 2015, 18:20, Reply)
I make a pretty fantastic spaghetti bolognese pizza

(, Tue 7 Jul 2015, 18:47, Reply)
do you deliver?

(, Tue 7 Jul 2015, 19:03, Reply)
op never delivers :(

(, Tue 7 Jul 2015, 19:11, Reply)
op is a bundle of sticks

(, Tue 7 Jul 2015, 19:37, Reply)
papa johns aren't so bad

(, Tue 7 Jul 2015, 18:11, Reply)
I tried them, too much basil man,

(, Tue 7 Jul 2015, 18:17, Reply)
BOOM BOOM

(, Tue 7 Jul 2015, 18:18, Reply)
haha, papa johns!
I remember when I used to live somewhere shit
(, Tue 7 Jul 2015, 18:18, Reply)
Papa John's are patchy.
There's one in Reading, manages to sort you out a perfect pizza every time. Seems to use good quality fresh ingredients. Only downside is a limited delivery radius that doesn't include where I live.

Then, there's one in Oxford. Might as well order up dog shit.
(, Tue 7 Jul 2015, 20:11, Reply)
hahahahaha

(, Tue 7 Jul 2015, 17:22, Reply)
STOP FLIRTING!

(, Tue 7 Jul 2015, 19:23, Reply)
What do you call a Frenchman in sandles?
Philippe Floppe!
(, Tue 7 Jul 2015, 15:33, Reply)
sandals

(, Tue 7 Jul 2015, 15:36, Reply)
Thart's a holiday resort in Antigua

(, Tue 7 Jul 2015, 15:38, Reply)
I think I remember a Thong about him
SABOTage by the beasties? or am I talking Cobblers?
(, Tue 7 Jul 2015, 15:37, Reply)
Pump up the Volume

(, Tue 7 Jul 2015, 15:39, Reply)
Was that by De La Sole?

(, Tue 7 Jul 2015, 15:41, Reply)
no
but it samples a song called "I know you got sole"
(, Tue 7 Jul 2015, 15:44, Reply)
Born slip-on

(, Tue 7 Jul 2015, 15:45, Reply)
How's MGT anyways these days?

(, Tue 7 Jul 2015, 15:46, Reply)
dunno, not seen her for a while actually,
do you get to see much of Planearm?
(, Tue 7 Jul 2015, 15:47, Reply)
Not really. He's always too busy watching tv.

(, Tue 7 Jul 2015, 16:23, Reply)
typical,
well it turned out MGT was just an abstract concept, and you know how that is... suffice to say shit got imaginary
(, Tue 7 Jul 2015, 16:27, Reply)
CROCadile Rock

(, Tue 7 Jul 2015, 15:49, Reply)
Damn right I got the shoes

(, Tue 7 Jul 2015, 15:52, Reply)
Night Train-er

(, Tue 7 Jul 2015, 15:53, Reply)
Easy Loafer

(, Tue 7 Jul 2015, 15:54, Reply)
Shoe do you love?

(, Tue 7 Jul 2015, 17:13, Reply)
Pink on White Wellies

(, Tue 7 Jul 2015, 17:24, Reply)
bit racist m8

(, Tue 7 Jul 2015, 15:49, Reply)
I think planearm is one of those Britain first racists

(, Tue 7 Jul 2015, 15:56, Reply)
people on facebook keep telling me why it's important that I don't share any britain first posts, I'm not sure why

(, Tue 7 Jul 2015, 16:00, Reply)
One of my friends posts them, he's convinced himself they are not just nf members

(, Tue 7 Jul 2015, 16:03, Reply)
are you likely to share any?

(, Tue 7 Jul 2015, 16:05, Reply)
I've never even seen any

(, Tue 7 Jul 2015, 16:07, Reply)
You don't strike me as the sort of person that would

(, Tue 7 Jul 2015, 16:14, Reply)
I'm like the three wise monkeys or summat

(, Tue 7 Jul 2015, 16:20, Reply)
well then fuck off back to monkey world then!!11111!!, which by the way is a great day out for all the family

(, Tue 7 Jul 2015, 16:25, Reply)
i went there with baldmonkey and sleepybinky once
it was winter though so it was a bit shit
(, Tue 7 Jul 2015, 16:39, Reply)
did baldmonkey do something incredibly lolwaki like throwing his own shit at the monkeys?

(, Tue 7 Jul 2015, 16:59, Reply)
no but he did make a music video
'saturday at monkey world' if you want to google it
(, Tue 7 Jul 2015, 18:20, Reply)
I really don't

(, Tue 7 Jul 2015, 18:44, Reply)
it's ok, i know you did it anyway

(, Tue 7 Jul 2015, 19:36, Reply)
People on my Facebook feed love to share Britain First posts.
Morons that they are.
(, Tue 7 Jul 2015, 16:18, Reply)
the anti britain first lot are as bad

(, Tue 7 Jul 2015, 16:27, Reply)
Britain last?

(, Tue 7 Jul 2015, 16:29, Reply)
yeah because of all the muslims being given 10 bedroom houses while our brave soldiers starve to death , share if this make you sick

(, Tue 7 Jul 2015, 16:33, Reply)
When I try to picture you I see Richard Littlejohn minus half a finger.

(, Tue 7 Jul 2015, 16:53, Reply)
just found their website.
oh lordy

The word “racism” was invented by a communist mass murderer, Leon Trotsky, to silence European opposition to “multi-culturalism”, so we do not recognise the validity of this made-up word.
(, Tue 7 Jul 2015, 16:31, Reply)
they're no stormfront

(, Tue 7 Jul 2015, 16:33, Reply)
yeah well they got a point,
what are Russians doing making up English words for us, eh?
(, Tue 7 Jul 2015, 16:47, Reply)
people on facebook are the worst kind of stupid pricks.

(, Tue 7 Jul 2015, 16:55, Reply)

Philippe Floppe! fucking cunt bastard spastic horse slasher cunt twat fucking shitcunt fuckhead frog faggot
(, Tue 7 Jul 2015, 17:02, Reply)
fuck off

(, Tue 7 Jul 2015, 13:20, Reply)
Well said

(, Tue 7 Jul 2015, 13:22, Reply)
Right that's it, you deserve this:
www.b3ta.com/talk/5532580
(, Tue 7 Jul 2015, 13:22, Reply)
Can't believe that was only 7 years ago
it feels like a lot longer
(, Tue 7 Jul 2015, 13:25, Reply)
God!
this only cam up in convo on Sunday right after me saying I had hardly been /talk at all on in the last 4-5 years.

Same shit different decade.
(, Tue 7 Jul 2015, 13:58, Reply)
You do realise nobody gives a fuck, didn't miss you, don't care that you are back

(, Tue 7 Jul 2015, 14:01, Reply)
Yep
like I said: Same shit
(, Tue 7 Jul 2015, 14:54, Reply)
so why not fuck off again then, you're being worse than MONO

(, Tue 7 Jul 2015, 14:55, Reply)
That was
uncalled for.
(, Tue 7 Jul 2015, 14:57, Reply)
i care
ignore the h8rs
(, Tue 7 Jul 2015, 14:16, Reply)
fuck off mgt

(, Tue 7 Jul 2015, 14:22, Reply)
:(

(, Tue 7 Jul 2015, 14:50, Reply)
I don't recognise your name.
Did I know you, or did you have the misfortune to be active whilst I was absent?
(, Tue 7 Jul 2015, 14:37, Reply)
it's baldmonkey

(, Tue 7 Jul 2015, 14:44, Reply)
Or I could be be BOU
I haven't decided yet.
(, Tue 7 Jul 2015, 14:55, Reply)
be Ding,
please be Ding
(, Tue 7 Jul 2015, 14:58, Reply)
Ooh yeah
I could be Ding. Almost for got about that one.
(, Tue 7 Jul 2015, 15:00, Reply)
silly ostrich

(, Tue 7 Jul 2015, 15:03, Reply)
Last time I asked about Ding, my ignorance was mocked.

(, Tue 7 Jul 2015, 15:09, Reply)
you western snailshit

(, Tue 7 Jul 2015, 15:15, Reply)
^^ STUPID HAT!! ^^

(, Tue 7 Jul 2015, 15:10, Reply)
or police dog

(, Tue 7 Jul 2015, 15:16, Reply)
Fuck 'right' off?
Well that's rude, m8
(, Tue 7 Jul 2015, 13:36, Reply)
no, fuck 'left'off!
hahahahahahahahahahahahahaha
(, Tue 7 Jul 2015, 14:04, Reply)
no wonder people hate you

(, Tue 7 Jul 2015, 14:18, Reply)
Right, I'm gonna ask manolith to retract the 'l like this' I just gave your QOTW post.
where is that odious prick?
(, Tue 7 Jul 2015, 14:29, Reply)
fine, link me the post

(, Tue 7 Jul 2015, 14:32, Reply)

b3ta.com/questions/alan/post2540837
(, Tue 7 Jul 2015, 14:34, Reply)
You're just gonna modedit my post to something gay aren't you?

(, Tue 7 Jul 2015, 14:34, Reply)
you deserve it, you massive crybaby

(, Tue 7 Jul 2015, 14:35, Reply)
nah, just wanted to give it an extra click because i hate you

(, Tue 7 Jul 2015, 14:36, Reply)
*smooch*

(, Tue 7 Jul 2015, 14:36, Reply)
Nobody clicks "I like this" on /qotw
I probably only had three votes last time I won.
(, Tue 7 Jul 2015, 14:33, Reply)
'ere modolith, how many votes did this get?
b3ta.com/questions/FuhKneeStorees/post2531412

I reckon it's about 5.
(, Tue 7 Jul 2015, 14:36, Reply)
We could turn this into a game, like guess-the-skittles-in-a-jar
only there's no prize.
(, Tue 7 Jul 2015, 14:36, Reply)
no you don't, you just want to sound modest you narcissist
it has a princely total of 23 votes
(, Tue 7 Jul 2015, 14:37, Reply)
How about the one I won with 2 weeks before?
b3ta.com/questions/lifehacks/post2521475
(, Tue 7 Jul 2015, 14:39, Reply)
I remember clicking "I like this" on that one
and I didn't have a fucking whinge about it afterwards.
(, Tue 7 Jul 2015, 14:41, Reply)
cor, that's pretty good
shame it wasn't more though really.
(, Tue 7 Jul 2015, 14:40, Reply)
^upset

(, Tue 7 Jul 2015, 14:40, Reply)
course I'm upset
manolith ruined the guess-how-many game
(, Tue 7 Jul 2015, 14:41, Reply)
guess how many thicky chunder won with then
here's a clue, it's less than half of yours
(, Tue 7 Jul 2015, 15:15, Reply)
no way are there less than half of 23 active posters on this site

(, Tue 7 Jul 2015, 15:42, Reply)
I reckon it was 8

(, Tue 7 Jul 2015, 15:45, Reply)
higher

(, Tue 7 Jul 2015, 15:49, Reply)

I reckon it was 8
(, Tue 7 Jul 2015, 19:03, Reply)
wahey!

(, Tue 7 Jul 2015, 19:38, Reply)
Haha, I put almost no effort into mine though.
when was the last time you won QOTW manolith?
(, Tue 7 Jul 2015, 16:49, Reply)
just like that bit on the antiques roadshow where the presenter tells them it's worth 50 quid and they say 'great' whilst fighting back the tears.

(, Tue 7 Jul 2015, 14:42, Reply)
That reminds me
I found more of my old Magic The Gathering cards when I was England. They've got to be worth at least a fiver now, all told.
(, Tue 7 Jul 2015, 14:45, Reply)
don't know what that means, soz

(, Tue 7 Jul 2015, 14:46, Reply)
no way are there 23 active posters on this site

(, Tue 7 Jul 2015, 14:42, Reply)
well since shambles has been brute forcing all the dormant accounts i'd say all voting on this forum is skewed

(, Tue 7 Jul 2015, 14:47, Reply)
clickin this

(, Tue 7 Jul 2015, 16:01, Reply)
^shambles sock puppet

(, Tue 7 Jul 2015, 16:12, Reply)
he brute forced me :'(

(, Tue 7 Jul 2015, 16:15, Reply)
you're early

(, Tue 7 Jul 2015, 14:07, Reply)
maybe something got his goat today
by which i mean something killed the goat he normally has sex with
by which i mean former poster 'goatworrier'
(, Tue 7 Jul 2015, 15:17, Reply)
alright

(, Tue 7 Jul 2015, 15:23, Reply)
yeah, boyee
got a payrise!
(, Tue 7 Jul 2015, 15:30, Reply)
Woohoo!!
Buying things is the best. And you know what you need to buy things? MONEY!
(, Tue 7 Jul 2015, 15:36, Reply)

i.imgur.com/9Y8p7.gif
(, Tue 7 Jul 2015, 15:42, Reply)
THIS GUY GETS IT

(, Tue 7 Jul 2015, 15:48, Reply)
\o/

(, Tue 7 Jul 2015, 16:40, Reply)
Absent b3tans miss their b3tadays.
TFD is 9 today: www.b3ta.com/users/profile.php?id=49359
(, Tue 7 Jul 2015, 13:15, Reply)
Not clicking that might be a fat chick

(, Tue 7 Jul 2015, 13:17, Reply)
It totally is!

(, Tue 7 Jul 2015, 13:22, Reply)
You clearly and obviously
well fancy her.
(, Tue 7 Jul 2015, 13:19, Reply)
Is it sammi then?

(, Tue 7 Jul 2015, 13:22, Reply)
You fucker.

(, Tue 7 Jul 2015, 13:23, Reply)
I set 'em up
you knock 'em down
(, Tue 7 Jul 2015, 13:26, Reply)
HASHTAG#HAPPYCANDLEMASS
Met TFD a few times.
Wonderfully mental.
(, Tue 7 Jul 2015, 13:20, Reply)
My brother is having another baby at the age of 44
he's already a grandfather to a 2-year-old, and our mother isn't sure how many kids he really has.

What's your family drama?
(, Tue 7 Jul 2015, 10:13, Reply)
My brother is a thoughtless knob
Who moved back in with our parents without asking. My Mum thinks he's waiting until he and his girlfriend have enough money to move in together, but she's not sure. Will she ask him? Will she fuck.
(, Tue 7 Jul 2015, 10:20, Reply)
How old is he?
And what does he do for a living?
And does your mum have nice tits?
(, Tue 7 Jul 2015, 10:22, Reply)
He will be 35 on Monday
He is a welder. No, probably not.
(, Tue 7 Jul 2015, 10:25, Reply)
If he's halfway decent as a welder he should be raking in the monies.
He's clearly just taking the piss, and you should inform your mother of that fact.
(, Tue 7 Jul 2015, 10:26, Reply)
I have
Almost every time we speak, in fact. The ways in which my brother disappoints me are legion. This is just the latest in a long line of selfish acts.
(, Tue 7 Jul 2015, 10:28, Reply)
sounds like you need an exorcist

(, Tue 7 Jul 2015, 10:31, Reply)
It couldn't hurt
I'll ask jeeves later on
(, Tue 7 Jul 2015, 10:32, Reply)
Ok, these are both interesting and helpful
answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20090331051141AApRP2n

www.wikihow.com/Perform-a-Christian-Exorcism
(, Tue 7 Jul 2015, 10:35, Reply)
I like that it basically boils down to telling the demon that he jolly well ought to just leave right this minute

(, Tue 7 Jul 2015, 10:49, Reply)
+ or I'm going to give him SUCH a look

(, Tue 7 Jul 2015, 10:50, Reply)
"Watching the "Exorcist" movies are not valid guides for performing an exorcism."

(, Tue 7 Jul 2015, 10:59, Reply)
is he your younger brother? go on prove me right I bet he is a younger sibling

(, Tue 7 Jul 2015, 11:02, Reply)
Yep, 4 years younger

(, Tue 7 Jul 2015, 11:04, Reply)
v
\o/
(, Tue 7 Jul 2015, 11:05, Reply)
waitwait I just read a bit further down the board
*victory lap*
(, Tue 7 Jul 2015, 11:04, Reply)
what's wrong with younger brothers?

(, Tue 7 Jul 2015, 11:06, Reply)

www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZIQr7vOnlmA
(, Tue 7 Jul 2015, 11:13, Reply)

1.) en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sibling_rivalry
2.) en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Birth_order

however

3.) en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Confirmation_bias

oops
(, Tue 7 Jul 2015, 11:13, Reply)
yeah but I'm pretty sure that mum and dad like me the best

(, Tue 7 Jul 2015, 11:21, Reply)
My parents openly admit this

(, Tue 7 Jul 2015, 11:22, Reply)

www.etsy.com/uk/listing/233808892/fathers-day-card-favourite-child-funny?ref=market
(, Tue 7 Jul 2015, 11:26, Reply)
your parents like Tangledupinblue the best?

(, Tue 7 Jul 2015, 11:27, Reply)
pfft

(, Tue 7 Jul 2015, 11:28, Reply)
obviously

(, Tue 7 Jul 2015, 11:29, Reply)
Maybe he's waiting for your parents to die, assuming that he can keep the house?
Joke's on him, though, unless they've worded their will in his favour. Mine have, such that I could only force him out if he tried to move someone in with him.
(, Tue 7 Jul 2015, 10:41, Reply)
He's stupid enough for this to be true
It really wouldn't surprise me.
(, Tue 7 Jul 2015, 10:44, Reply)
Play the long game, then laugh when you present him with the choice to either buy out your share or be rendered destitute.
The solicitor who drew up the will for us originally worded it so that my brother could sell the house and keep all the money so long as he used it to buy another house, with no limit on the number of times he could do this, keeping it all until the event of his death. I got that bit changed - I want him to be secure, but I don't want him taking the piss.
(, Tue 7 Jul 2015, 10:48, Reply)
The half of me that wants him to secure some sort of stablility in his life
is in conflict with the other half of me that wants him to learn a lesson
(, Tue 7 Jul 2015, 10:50, Reply)
My brother-in-law is like this
In under a year the family pulled together and got him a flat and a job, and a cousin even donated a girlfriend for him. He hasn't learned a single life skill in 30 years, and even says "lol", out loud, in conversations.
(, Tue 7 Jul 2015, 10:55, Reply)
"donated a girlfriend"?
Is your cousin a people trafficker?
(, Tue 7 Jul 2015, 11:17, Reply)
I want to stress that I have no blood relation to any of the people involved
But essentially the cousin broke up with a particularly good-looking girl after a four-year relationship, so my brother-in-law made his move. I'm glad he did, because she's a delightful woman who washed my windows and cleaned up my cats' shit while I was on holiday, but god knows what she sees in him.
(, Tue 7 Jul 2015, 11:19, Reply)
she's biding her time until she can get to you
a family tree climber
(, Tue 7 Jul 2015, 11:28, Reply)
What strange euphemisms.

(, Tue 7 Jul 2015, 11:33, Reply)
genuine chuckle here

(, Tue 7 Jul 2015, 11:36, Reply)
i think i'd be more concerned about a thoughtful nob

(, Tue 7 Jul 2015, 12:14, Reply)
must be weird to have a nephew/niece who is older than you,
imagine that.
(, Tue 7 Jul 2015, 10:23, Reply)
I have two relatives where that is the case
but they live on IOW, so....
(, Tue 7 Jul 2015, 10:25, Reply)
Our mum had a nephew 18 months younger
which she thought was great because she was the youngest of her brood, so she got a younger "brother". Who's now dead. But my mum was a great-grandmother before she was 60.
(, Tue 7 Jul 2015, 10:25, Reply)
Someone in the year below me at school became a grandmother a while back
At least two years ago, if memory serves. It wasn't recently anyway. I am 38 btw
(, Tue 7 Jul 2015, 10:29, Reply)
It's always surprising when schoolmates breed
I explored my family tree recently, and in the space of 4 generations on my dad's side, my mum's side chalked up 7.
(, Tue 7 Jul 2015, 10:35, Reply)
if that's not crying out for a ym joke i don't know what is

(, Tue 7 Jul 2015, 10:46, Reply)
My entire family tree is one joke after another

(, Tue 7 Jul 2015, 10:56, Reply)
What cup size?

(, Tue 7 Jul 2015, 10:38, Reply)
Cheeky *blushes*

(, Tue 7 Jul 2015, 10:44, Reply)
My brothers car broke down, it's OK tho he bought a new one, Phew

(, Tue 7 Jul 2015, 10:34, Reply)
That was normally my solution too
but I don't think you can get a Ford Escort with an MOT for 50 quid these days.
(, Tue 7 Jul 2015, 10:36, Reply)
dunno what he got, it'll be a new one as he works part time as a driving instructor

(, Tue 7 Jul 2015, 10:50, Reply)
What does he do the rest of the time?

(, Tue 7 Jul 2015, 10:53, Reply)
nothing

(, Tue 7 Jul 2015, 10:55, Reply)
Did he get a fat payout after the funeral as well then?

(, Tue 7 Jul 2015, 10:56, Reply)
not as much no, his wife earns bundles tho so he's alright, just works for pocket money really

(, Tue 7 Jul 2015, 10:58, Reply)
Spacefish's driving instructor seemed quite well off from it,
she had a Lotus Elise for herself
(, Tue 7 Jul 2015, 11:06, Reply)
oh his pocket money is a lot, he's squirreled away a few grand the other year to treat himself, then his missus found it and he had to claim he'd been saving to by her an eternity ring, lost the lot, lols

(, Tue 7 Jul 2015, 11:14, Reply)
Ha ha!

(, Tue 7 Jul 2015, 11:18, Reply)
what an utter buffoon

(, Tue 7 Jul 2015, 11:21, Reply)
Yep, he found a few hundred tucked in a fishing reel case the other month, forgot he'd stashed it

(, Tue 7 Jul 2015, 11:23, Reply)
I doubt any shop will accept a load of outdated twenties that reek of dead maggot and fishguts.

(, Tue 7 Jul 2015, 11:26, Reply)
fishing tackle shops all smell like that anyway and he loves to buy new bivvies

(, Tue 7 Jul 2015, 11:28, Reply)
What does he do with the old bivvies?
Or does he like having a selection?
(, Tue 7 Jul 2015, 11:32, Reply)
he sells them on

(, Tue 7 Jul 2015, 11:34, Reply)
I really like the sound of your brother

(, Tue 7 Jul 2015, 11:37, Reply)
life is just one big game to him

(, Tue 7 Jul 2015, 11:39, Reply)
you're not related to Bruce Forsyth are you?

(, Tue 7 Jul 2015, 11:46, Reply)
it's no wonder Woolworth's went out of business really

(, Tue 7 Jul 2015, 11:30, Reply)
What are your feelings on burbots?

(, Tue 7 Jul 2015, 11:59, Reply)
Sod em

(, Tue 7 Jul 2015, 12:06, Reply)
Isn't that what you mix with dandelion
for a delicious 1970s fizzy pop drink?
(, Tue 7 Jul 2015, 12:19, Reply)
no that's bourbon

(, Tue 7 Jul 2015, 12:32, Reply)
none at the moment really but my dad and his sister fell out quite explosively at their mum's funeral

(, Tue 7 Jul 2015, 10:49, Reply)
eek
Sounds bad
(, Tue 7 Jul 2015, 10:51, Reply)
it was
to the point that a few years later when their dad dies, she wouldn't tell him. i had to be the one to let him know
(, Tue 7 Jul 2015, 11:36, Reply)
:(

(, Tue 7 Jul 2015, 11:53, Reply)
yeah
my dad is kind of a prick, but no-one deserves that
(, Tue 7 Jul 2015, 12:10, Reply)
Was it about money? Or did your aunt eat the last canape?

(, Tue 7 Jul 2015, 10:51, Reply)
literally?

(, Tue 7 Jul 2015, 12:43, Reply)
yes?

(, Tue 7 Jul 2015, 13:03, Reply)
they blew each other up with explosives?

(, Tue 7 Jul 2015, 14:04, Reply)
you don't need to be any good at English to be a doctor then

(, Tue 7 Jul 2015, 14:07, Reply)
that's what i was thinking
he's a bit of a thicko
(, Tue 7 Jul 2015, 14:13, Reply)
My dad fell in the pond.
Remarkably, the fish were unharmed.
(, Tue 7 Jul 2015, 10:49, Reply)
lol

(, Tue 7 Jul 2015, 10:51, Reply)
If you read this in an Essex accent it's even funnier

(, Tue 7 Jul 2015, 10:52, Reply)
my older sister got pregnant as a teenager by a local publican, my older brother got aids and died and my dad had an unconvincing breakdown after embezzling the christmas club money, then he died and I got sonia pregnant

(, Tue 7 Jul 2015, 11:05, Reply)
what, Sonia the ginger pop singer from the Eighties?

(, Tue 7 Jul 2015, 11:08, Reply)
no the ugly kid with the trumpet and the even uglier brother

(, Tue 7 Jul 2015, 11:09, Reply)
I had to google that
I really wish I hadn't.
(, Tue 7 Jul 2015, 11:25, Reply)
I've got a bit of a soft spot for Natalie Cassidy.
No idea why.
(, Tue 7 Jul 2015, 11:29, Reply)
because you like to be the pretty one?

(, Tue 7 Jul 2015, 11:30, Reply)
You probably watched too much
Popeye
(, Tue 7 Jul 2015, 11:31, Reply)
Tee-hee!

(, Tue 7 Jul 2015, 11:34, Reply)
Maybe this? Phwoar!
i.dailymail.co.uk/i/pix/2013/08/13/article-0-1B3E07B6000005DC-882_634x834.jpg
(, Tue 7 Jul 2015, 17:08, Reply)
of all the birds that have come on gone in that square
and you chose the one who looks like Nicholas Lyndhurst. Shame on you
(, Tue 7 Jul 2015, 11:13, Reply)
I tried it on with that italian bird first but she wouldn't put out and I was a bit scared of her older brothers

(, Tue 7 Jul 2015, 11:22, Reply)
I've 2 cousins in prison in Ireland for murder. They're a bit, you know, IRAey.
There's a good story about a farm and a box of guns and a goat if it ever comes up on QOTW.

Also a bonkers aunt that wouldn't come to my mums funeral, and sends birthday cards and Christmas cards with seemingly no relation to the dates of said events and every once in a while tries to kidnap her own daughter who hasn't spoken to her since her and her brother went in to care.

And almost all the men on both sides of my family are bald.
(, Tue 7 Jul 2015, 11:31, Reply)
that last bit is the worst

(, Tue 7 Jul 2015, 11:38, Reply)

img.pandawhale.com/107137-KTLA-earthquake-Chris-Schauble-w94F.gif
(, Tue 7 Jul 2015, 11:54, Reply)
The goat ate the guns

The goat had the guns shoved up it inside condoms, like a drugs mule.

The guns were propped up in a field with a rug thrown over them to resemble a goat, then a real goat tried to fuck it and shot itself.

One of these stories must be true.
(, Tue 7 Jul 2015, 11:39, Reply)
a child and a nurse became lodged in the tunnel of goats

(, Tue 7 Jul 2015, 11:46, Reply)
I have no idea what you're trying to say

(, Tue 7 Jul 2015, 12:07, Reply)
might be a sex thing

(, Tue 7 Jul 2015, 12:07, Reply)
It normally is

(, Tue 7 Jul 2015, 12:09, Reply)
Some blokes came to pick up a box of guns for some cease fire or other.
The goat had got out earlier in the day and we weren't sure where he was. Turns out he was in the same barn as the guns and attacked one of the lads. Broke his ankle and 2 rips and a couple of nasty bites before Uncle Jimmy gog hold of him.
(, Tue 7 Jul 2015, 12:02, Reply)
how are Jimmy Gog's rips now?

(, Tue 7 Jul 2015, 12:05, Reply)
I fear I've made some typing errors and misled you about Jimmy and his gigs

(, Tue 7 Jul 2015, 12:33, Reply)
This makes you some sort of chav.
Get back in your shithole council house and stop using the Internet for anything other than ebaying your Primark loot.
(, Tue 7 Jul 2015, 12:44, Reply)
This brother of mine is the chavviest chav you ever saw. I bet he even gets his Primark clothes from boot fairs.
But he's only a half-brother. Unlike him, I know who my father is.
(, Tue 7 Jul 2015, 12:51, Reply)
Darth Vader?

(, Tue 7 Jul 2015, 12:58, Reply)
My little 6 week old baby boy (not so little)
Has just spent another week in intensive care. I won't bore you with the details.
(, Tue 7 Jul 2015, 13:07, Reply)
Hmm
That reminds me, I haven't had lunch yet.
(, Tue 7 Jul 2015, 13:13, Reply)
I can't believe you're renting him out to politicians already

(, Tue 7 Jul 2015, 13:13, Reply)
hullo everyone

(, Tue 7 Jul 2015, 8:18, Reply)
Hullo friend
from the internet!
(, Tue 7 Jul 2015, 8:20, Reply)
go fuck you a horse

(, Tue 7 Jul 2015, 8:25, Reply)

o aballoo!
(, Tue 7 Jul 2015, 8:33, Reply)
Hullabloobloobloo!

(, Tue 7 Jul 2015, 8:56, Reply)

www.youtube.com/watch?v=xlv3B1078PA#t=1m10
(, Tue 7 Jul 2015, 9:04, Reply)
Bbc worldwide has blocked this content in my country.

(, Tue 7 Jul 2015, 9:49, Reply)
Fucking hell, I'm using a Swiss-based proxy that bans 95% of youtube, and I can still watch it
What godforsaken hole are you living in?
(, Tue 7 Jul 2015, 9:54, Reply)
Oxfordshire.

(, Tue 7 Jul 2015, 9:54, Reply)
Watching the BBC in the UK
is frowned upon by Auntie Beeb.
(, Tue 7 Jul 2015, 9:56, Reply)
hallo

(, Tue 7 Jul 2015, 8:41, Reply)
You gay dickhead

(, Tue 7 Jul 2015, 8:53, Reply)
no m8 u r

(, Tue 7 Jul 2015, 9:02, Reply)
Dick!

(, Tue 7 Jul 2015, 9:06, Reply)
alright beefy

(, Tue 7 Jul 2015, 9:11, Reply)
that was exciting yesterday when someone who used to post when it was good came back and posted for a bit, wasn't it?

(, Tue 7 Jul 2015, 9:20, Reply)
I'd rather have new blood than old
I tried offtopic but the page layout is retarded, as are most of the contributors
(, Tue 7 Jul 2015, 9:27, Reply)
you seem to have found a new niche in winning qotw

(, Tue 7 Jul 2015, 9:31, Reply)
Rediscovered
My contributions have always been top-notch, but it's very rare that I can be bothered to answer the tawdry drivel that counts as a question.
(, Tue 7 Jul 2015, 9:35, Reply)
I don't like the layout of OT, either,
but it's marginally more populous than /talk. Populated by idiots, but still.
(, Tue 7 Jul 2015, 10:00, Reply)
it was never good

(, Tue 7 Jul 2015, 9:29, Reply)
it's all relative innit

(, Tue 7 Jul 2015, 9:31, Reply)
yeah, that happens sometimes
never lasts long though, surprisingly
(, Tue 7 Jul 2015, 10:07, Reply)
was he any relation to former poster bluestar?

(, Tue 7 Jul 2015, 10:09, Reply)
and if they had a baby together would it be a purplestar?

(, Tue 7 Jul 2015, 10:09, Reply)
and also, where do babies come from?

(, Tue 7 Jul 2015, 10:09, Reply)
I liked BlueStar, and her eventual husband

(, Tue 7 Jul 2015, 10:12, Reply)
as in, I liked him from the start and he eventually became her husband
Not that I eventually liked him even though he initially came off as a tosser. I'd never say that sort of stuff about FoldsFive.
(, Tue 7 Jul 2015, 10:14, Reply)
Well, I probably would, but only to wind him up.

(, Tue 7 Jul 2015, 10:14, Reply)
I don't know her, but she keeps cropping up on the other internet on account of us having mutual real life people

(, Tue 7 Jul 2015, 10:16, Reply)
even me?

(, Tue 7 Jul 2015, 9:20, Reply)
I guess that's a no then :(

(, Tue 7 Jul 2015, 9:58, Reply)
You can rely on McBeef to always let you down.

(, Tue 7 Jul 2015, 10:05, Reply)
up yours, dickface
Juicer time.
(, Mon 6 Jul 2015, 17:53, Reply)
chinchin

(, Mon 6 Jul 2015, 18:13, Reply)

ch b
(, Mon 6 Jul 2015, 23:47, Reply)
jokes on you, fucknose
I don't even own a juicer!
(, Mon 6 Jul 2015, 18:21, Reply)
An alcoholic landlady nymphomaniac has been my dream for years, probably don't need the nympho bit now, bit old for that shit

(, Mon 6 Jul 2015, 18:53, Reply)
Do you want one all saggy with tragic tits and that?
Or do you prefer your landladies on the petite side?
(, Mon 6 Jul 2015, 19:24, Reply)
Not the first time mongy's been called a nonce.

(, Mon 6 Jul 2015, 19:27, Reply)
Bit of an odd leap there, not sure you can be under 18 to hold a publican licence

(, Mon 6 Jul 2015, 20:13, Reply)
I believe you are over thinking this

(, Mon 6 Jul 2015, 20:11, Reply)
just wondering how you like your landladies, that's all
It's like that "how do you like your eggs?" question from whatever that film Julia Roberts was in.
(, Mon 6 Jul 2015, 20:18, Reply)
Alien?

(, Mon 6 Jul 2015, 20:22, Reply)
Eggs Men II?

(, Mon 6 Jul 2015, 20:26, Reply)
Sweet Home Albumen?

(, Mon 6 Jul 2015, 20:35, Reply)
Eating jam out of a jar with a wooden spoon?

(, Mon 6 Jul 2015, 20:35, Reply)
Touching The Ovoid?

(, Mon 6 Jul 2015, 20:35, Reply)
From Shell?

(, Mon 6 Jul 2015, 20:36, Reply)
Hard Boiled?

(, Mon 6 Jul 2015, 20:46, Reply)
House of Frying Eggers

(, Mon 6 Jul 2015, 20:51, Reply)
We Were Soldiers?

(, Mon 6 Jul 2015, 20:59, Reply)
This is my favourite one

(, Tue 7 Jul 2015, 8:21, Reply)
xxx

(, Tue 7 Jul 2015, 8:38, Reply)
Bridge Ova the River Kwai

(, Mon 6 Jul 2015, 23:14, Reply)
eggy cup?

(, Tue 7 Jul 2015, 9:22, Reply)
The Eggy Professor 2: The Kups?

(, Tue 7 Jul 2015, 9:33, Reply)
A Few Good Eggs?

(, Tue 7 Jul 2015, 9:34, Reply)
Eggs and the City?

(, Tue 7 Jul 2015, 9:35, Reply)
what's the funniest vegetable apart from potato?

(, Mon 6 Jul 2015, 17:18, Reply)
michael schumachintyre

(, Mon 6 Jul 2015, 17:28, Reply)
no tomatoes.

(, Mon 6 Jul 2015, 18:06, Reply)
no tomatoes are a vegetable because the tomato is a fruit, and no tomatoes would be no fruit, and being not fruit is not the same as being a vegetable, prick

(, Mon 6 Jul 2015, 18:13, Reply)
that's the joke

(, Mon 6 Jul 2015, 18:15, Reply)
oh right is that the joke?

(, Mon 6 Jul 2015, 19:05, Reply)
potahto

(, Mon 6 Jul 2015, 19:21, Reply)
Christ, I wish this place would liven up a bit

(, Mon 6 Jul 2015, 15:58, Reply)
I wish you'd all die and rot and decay back into the earth

(, Mon 6 Jul 2015, 16:07, Reply)
haha, only joking

(, Mon 6 Jul 2015, 16:08, Reply)
I wish the entire universe would decay into its inevitable final state of entropy

(, Mon 6 Jul 2015, 16:08, Reply)
haha yeah

(, Mon 6 Jul 2015, 16:11, Reply)
emo bender

(, Mon 6 Jul 2015, 16:29, Reply)
be the change you want to see in the world

(, Mon 6 Jul 2015, 19:22, Reply)
do you now

(, Mon 6 Jul 2015, 16:12, Reply)
yeah, something like that

(, Mon 6 Jul 2015, 16:14, Reply)
fair enough
I agree in a way. It was better when there were more people here
(, Mon 6 Jul 2015, 16:15, Reply)
I don't really do any work.

(, Mon 6 Jul 2015, 16:19, Reply)
I do bits and bobs

(, Mon 6 Jul 2015, 16:32, Reply)
everyone posts on qftw now, you should go there

(, Mon 6 Jul 2015, 16:28, Reply)
Not in Stevenage, anymore.
Drive back was unremarkable.
As you were.
(, Mon 6 Jul 2015, 13:17, Reply)
I drove past a proper massive road smashup yesterday
Ten-mile tailbacks, people with picnic chairs and umbrellas out, proper party atmosphere. Those Germans know how to have a good time.
(, Mon 6 Jul 2015, 13:26, Reply)
The Germans clearly have the right idea.
I drove past an overturned car on the M25, the other week. No picnics, no parties, just screaming and crying.
(, Mon 6 Jul 2015, 13:29, Reply)
They were probably playing Monopoly, by the sound of it.

(, Mon 6 Jul 2015, 14:13, Reply)
and, being british, I'm sure you slowed down to a crawl so you could have a good look
and didn't even bother pulling over to join in the party.
(, Mon 6 Jul 2015, 14:16, Reply)
can you really imagine me, joining in a party?

(, Mon 6 Jul 2015, 15:20, Reply)
Oh Grrry
it's not the party on the outside that counts, it's the party on the inside.
(, Mon 6 Jul 2015, 15:25, Reply)
The party on the inside wears black uniforms and puts people in camps.

(, Mon 6 Jul 2015, 15:32, Reply)
I love camping.

(, Mon 6 Jul 2015, 15:34, Reply)
morning

(, Mon 6 Jul 2015, 13:28, Reply)
And I missed the morning thread. Fucking Stevenage.
morning, brb.
(, Mon 6 Jul 2015, 13:30, Reply)
turns out that last thread was based on a lie anyway

(, Mon 6 Jul 2015, 13:31, Reply)
when you can't trust an internet forum like this, there's no hope for the world

(, Mon 6 Jul 2015, 13:35, Reply)
That shattered my faith in humanity.

(, Mon 6 Jul 2015, 13:36, Reply)
more fool you for having any in the first place

(, Mon 6 Jul 2015, 14:01, Reply)
And yet the mods do nothing

(, Mon 6 Jul 2015, 13:45, Reply)
i had my powers stripped for a short period over the weekend
not sure what happened but thy disappeared. i made a mental note to check later on if they'd been reinstated but then forgot. thanks for reminding me! they're back now.
(, Mon 6 Jul 2015, 14:00, Reply)
See if they still work, ban 2can

(, Mon 6 Jul 2015, 14:09, Reply)
Think of the filth we could've posted without fear of repercussions

(, Mon 6 Jul 2015, 14:42, Reply)

filth skinks
(, Mon 6 Jul 2015, 14:44, Reply)
phwoar, I've got a right skink-on now

(, Mon 6 Jul 2015, 15:21, Reply)
Did you just say I was unremarkable?

(, Mon 6 Jul 2015, 14:08, Reply)
nobody said it but we're all thinking it

(, Mon 6 Jul 2015, 14:10, Reply)
hi

(, Mon 6 Jul 2015, 14:14, Reply)
I bought a big jar of malt vinegar
What foodstuff would you miss most if you moved abroad?

Yes. Food.
(, Mon 6 Jul 2015, 11:49, Reply)
Curry

(, Mon 6 Jul 2015, 11:51, Reply)
Pizza

(, Mon 6 Jul 2015, 11:51, Reply)
pizza is the best food
i wouldn't want to have it every day but it is the best
(, Mon 6 Jul 2015, 12:00, Reply)
it really is.

(, Mon 6 Jul 2015, 12:08, Reply)
i think this may be the only thing we can agree on

(, Mon 6 Jul 2015, 12:12, Reply)
I doubt it.

(, Mon 6 Jul 2015, 12:13, Reply)
that's the spirit!

(, Mon 6 Jul 2015, 12:38, Reply)
Pizza is available in most civilised countries
and also France.
(, Mon 6 Jul 2015, 12:13, Reply)
those filthy Bretons put cream on top of their pizzas for some reason

(, Mon 6 Jul 2015, 12:15, Reply)
I wonder if you can make a trifle that looks like a pizza

(, Mon 6 Jul 2015, 12:19, Reply)
I can't, no

(, Mon 6 Jul 2015, 12:20, Reply)
sponge cake pizza base
jelly sauce base
fruit toppings.
easy
(, Mon 6 Jul 2015, 12:21, Reply)
that's more like a flan really
but I'd agree that this is the closest you'd get to a trifle pizza
(, Mon 6 Jul 2015, 12:38, Reply)
And there's no way that's not going to be delicious

(, Mon 6 Jul 2015, 12:38, Reply)
needs more sherry soaked into the sponge base

(, Mon 6 Jul 2015, 12:40, Reply)
I feel that to make it more like I pizza it will need to stay stiffer.

(, Mon 6 Jul 2015, 12:41, Reply)
Sherry as a dipping sauce for the crusts

(, Mon 6 Jul 2015, 12:42, Reply)
Sweet and Sour Chicken Balls

(, Mon 6 Jul 2015, 11:51, Reply)
my brother called those "brown eaters"
because he's a bit of a racist.
(, Mon 6 Jul 2015, 11:52, Reply)
I don't understand

(, Mon 6 Jul 2015, 11:52, Reply)
you're not allowed to say "brown" these days

(, Mon 6 Jul 2015, 11:58, Reply)
so what do I do with all my brown crayons?

(, Mon 6 Jul 2015, 12:08, Reply)
take them to the bathroom and wash the poo off
and stop poking them up your bum
(, Mon 6 Jul 2015, 12:12, Reply)
it's been so many years I can't even remember what colours they really were :(

(, Mon 6 Jul 2015, 12:15, Reply)
burnt (b)umber

(, Mon 6 Jul 2015, 12:24, Reply)
You should definitely donate them to your local African/Carib communities.
They will definitely definitely like you to do this.

Unless you have enough to melt down and sculpt into a life size John Fashanu Statue. Then that.
(, Mon 6 Jul 2015, 12:15, Reply)
Reading's just down the road.
I'll drive through and throw them out the window at passing nignogs
(, Mon 6 Jul 2015, 12:17, Reply)
I've been using big bottles of vinegar recently.
stuck some in a jar with onions and some in a jar with eggs.
(, Mon 6 Jul 2015, 11:53, Reply)
I am going to stick eggs in this jar

(, Mon 6 Jul 2015, 12:14, Reply)
is this a euphemism?

(, Mon 6 Jul 2015, 12:16, Reply)
Depends where I moved to
I imagine you can find most things in the major cities of Europe, Asia and North America, but I suppose if I moved in with a masai tribe I'd probably struggle to find a decent plaice and chips
(, Mon 6 Jul 2015, 11:53, Reply)
and they don't know how to make a proper cup of tea

(, Mon 6 Jul 2015, 11:55, Reply)
I'm sure the Masai have a plaice you can go.

(, Mon 6 Jul 2015, 11:55, Reply)
YOU CAN SMELL THEIR COOKING FROM ALL THE WAY DOWN THE SAVANNAH

(, Mon 6 Jul 2015, 11:57, Reply)
did you watch channel 4's 'the tribe' recently?

(, Mon 6 Jul 2015, 12:00, Reply)
no
did they have plaice?
(, Mon 6 Jul 2015, 12:09, Reply)
i don't think so
mostly goats
(, Mon 6 Jul 2015, 12:21, Reply)
figures

(, Mon 6 Jul 2015, 12:22, Reply)
they say funny things and the ladies walk around with their jubblies out though

(, Mon 6 Jul 2015, 12:36, Reply)
and they say tv's dumbing down

(, Mon 6 Jul 2015, 12:37, Reply)
I can't get a pickled egg in a European capital city of 2 million people
And brown sauce is a fiver for the smallest bottle.
(, Mon 6 Jul 2015, 12:03, Reply)
I thought pickling things was what they did over there

(, Mon 6 Jul 2015, 12:05, Reply)
EXACTLY
peppers, mushrooms, cabbage, cucumbers, herring... But tell them you want to pickle an egg and they'll look at you like you just ate dog turds on toast.
(, Mon 6 Jul 2015, 12:07, Reply)
which is what pickled herring tastes like

(, Mon 6 Jul 2015, 12:12, Reply)
cheese sandwiches

(, Mon 6 Jul 2015, 11:56, Reply)
Pasty
Irn Bru
(, Mon 6 Jul 2015, 11:56, Reply)
I thought you were cornwall

(, Mon 6 Jul 2015, 11:57, Reply)
How can I "be Cornwall"
Speak ENGURIS!
(, Mon 6 Jul 2015, 12:02, Reply)
Also you there is no law to say you have to "Scotch" to like Irn Bru

(, Mon 6 Jul 2015, 12:03, Reply)
no actual law
but you have to be scotland to like irn bru
(, Mon 6 Jul 2015, 12:09, Reply)
-_-
Can't work out if you have a mental block with the word "from",
or you are just being shit.
(, Mon 6 Jul 2015, 12:11, Reply)
you're shit, cornwall

(, Mon 6 Jul 2015, 12:13, Reply)
There's no Jobs
Hence why I live in Bristol.
(, Mon 6 Jul 2015, 12:17, Reply)
I might move to cornwall.
it's nice and there's cornish pasties
(, Mon 6 Jul 2015, 12:18, Reply)
You can drive around chucking retired londoners out of the windows
at the passing Pastywogs
(, Mon 6 Jul 2015, 12:22, Reply)
I don't have any retired londoners

(, Mon 6 Jul 2015, 12:24, Reply)
That's OK
You'll be able to pick some up when you're down there. There's only 12 actual Cornish people left living IN the county.
(, Mon 6 Jul 2015, 12:28, Reply)
Then who's going to make my fucking pasties?!

(, Mon 6 Jul 2015, 12:38, Reply)
Denzil

(, Mon 6 Jul 2015, 12:42, Reply)
I ain't ever buying a pasty from some prick called Denzil.

(, Mon 6 Jul 2015, 12:51, Reply)
He's says you can't have one anyway.

(, Mon 6 Jul 2015, 12:52, Reply)
PUDDI, PUDDI, PUDDI, PUDDI , GIGA PUDDI

(, Mon 6 Jul 2015, 11:56, Reply)
I bet you've never even had a Giga Pudding

(, Mon 6 Jul 2015, 12:00, Reply)
You shan't drag me into your deplorable foood chat, fuck off

(, Mon 6 Jul 2015, 12:16, Reply)
I bet you've eaten food, more than once
you bloody hypocrite
(, Mon 6 Jul 2015, 12:18, Reply)
yet to find anywhere outside of wales that does rarebit correctly
so yeah, that, i guess
(, Mon 6 Jul 2015, 12:00, Reply)
I thought that was just a toastie

(, Mon 6 Jul 2015, 12:04, Reply)
it's so much more

(, Mon 6 Jul 2015, 12:07, Reply)
how much more?

(, Mon 6 Jul 2015, 12:11, Reply)
68 more

(, Mon 6 Jul 2015, 12:26, Reply)
that's quite a bit
you're probably right to stay in wales then
(, Mon 6 Jul 2015, 12:38, Reply)
It looks like someone tried to turn a toastie into a soup

(, Mon 6 Jul 2015, 12:23, Reply)
and it tastes delicious too

(, Mon 6 Jul 2015, 12:26, Reply)
proper bacon
Mcvities digestives
pringles

edit: apparently pringles are available in 140 countries
(, Mon 6 Jul 2015, 12:09, Reply)
Can't get salt and vinegar ones here though

(, Mon 6 Jul 2015, 12:13, Reply)
what's the point in that?

(, Mon 6 Jul 2015, 12:15, Reply)
dog turds on toast

(, Mon 6 Jul 2015, 12:11, Reply)
proper biscuits & chocolate
haggis and Irn Bru
meat pies - in the US if you say "pie" they think you mean one with fruit in it! not that i'd move there anyway
(, Mon 6 Jul 2015, 12:24, Reply)
i've never tried haggis and irn bru
do you boil the haggis in irn bru or something?
(, Mon 6 Jul 2015, 12:28, Reply)
it's so hot my choc chip hobnobs are melting

(, Mon 6 Jul 2015, 12:43, Reply)
I lied
it's more of a bottle than a jar.
(, Mon 6 Jul 2015, 12:44, Reply)
Fuck Stevenage.
Especially fuck spending an hour at a poorly thought out roundabout, causing me to miss coffee. Fuck.
(, Mon 6 Jul 2015, 9:47, Reply)
there's plenty more coffee in the sea

(, Mon 6 Jul 2015, 9:49, Reply)
I once did a week of work in a palliative care home in Stevenage.
Proper cheery place that.
(, Mon 6 Jul 2015, 9:52, Reply)
I drove 300 miles back and forth across East Kent last week
Couldn't even use the M20 because of the bastard French and Operation fucking Stack.
(, Mon 6 Jul 2015, 9:53, Reply)
Fields of the Nephilim are from Stevenage
#StevenageFacts
(, Mon 6 Jul 2015, 10:12, Reply)
I've turned down two job offers on the grounds that they were in Stevenage.
#montermunchFacts
(, Mon 6 Jul 2015, 10:15, Reply)
And professional car driver Lewis Hamilton, apparently
and Denholm Elliot and Leslie Phillips both lived there once. Fascinating.
(, Mon 6 Jul 2015, 10:16, Reply)
Not here now though, are they?
I rest my case.
(, Mon 6 Jul 2015, 10:19, Reply)
Extra Primo Good, Mr Coleman Sir!

(, Mon 6 Jul 2015, 10:19, Reply)
Not together, you understand
I don't think Leslie Phillips is like that
(, Mon 6 Jul 2015, 10:19, Reply)
I don't have any anecdotes about Stevenage or about driving soz

(, Mon 6 Jul 2015, 10:14, Reply)
me neither
perhaps we should go and form our own board since this place is now b3ta.com/drivinginstevenage apparently
(, Mon 6 Jul 2015, 10:31, Reply)
Which is only slightly worse than b3ta.com/london
like it used to get in the old days.
(, Mon 6 Jul 2015, 10:36, Reply)
thursday night, opposite the law courts, free to b3tans?

(, Mon 6 Jul 2015, 10:44, Reply)
Was talking to a B3tan yesterday IRL
CATG was mentioned. Eyes were rolled.
(, Mon 6 Jul 2015, 10:49, Reply)
What a terrible event that was.

(, Mon 6 Jul 2015, 11:09, Reply)
It was awful
We both rolled our eyes at the exact same moment so were unaware that the other had done so. Complete facial expression disaster.

I think we were more rolling our eyes at the lonn donn centric attitude.
(, Mon 6 Jul 2015, 11:27, Reply)
London's shit.

(, Mon 6 Jul 2015, 11:27, Reply)
As are many of the other places outside of it
but at least they acknowledge things happen outside out their city limits.
Anyway we are just repeating conversations from 5 years ago now.
(, Mon 6 Jul 2015, 11:30, Reply)
that's all this place exists for.

(, Mon 6 Jul 2015, 11:31, Reply)
Oh yeah
soz. forgot
(, Mon 6 Jul 2015, 11:33, Reply)
I remember when this place was nothing but fields.
etc
(, Mon 6 Jul 2015, 11:35, Reply)
you're always trying to get me alone

(, Mon 6 Jul 2015, 11:18, Reply)
mostly since i found out you're a cougar

(, Mon 6 Jul 2015, 11:24, Reply)
I'm old enough to be your mother, young man

(, Mon 6 Jul 2015, 11:26, Reply)
hnnnngh

(, Mon 6 Jul 2015, 11:29, Reply)
I went to Watford for a week once
Jesus, what a shithole. And if there's one thing I can recognise, it's a shithole
(, Mon 6 Jul 2015, 10:23, Reply)
bumbandit

(, Mon 6 Jul 2015, 10:25, Reply)
To be fair I didn't see much of the town
but what I did see was woeful
(, Mon 6 Jul 2015, 10:28, Reply)
I've never been near it.

(, Mon 6 Jul 2015, 10:33, Reply)
See also Droitwich.
its like a non place
(, Mon 6 Jul 2015, 10:34, Reply)
Woah, hang the fuck on there pal.
Are you who I think you fucking are?!
(, Mon 6 Jul 2015, 10:46, Reply)
Was chatting to Spangles about the old days yesterday.
Your name was mentioned. Amongst many, many others.
Reet?
(, Mon 6 Jul 2015, 10:51, Reply)
Sorry, that's clearly a lie.
My name is never mentioned.
(, Mon 6 Jul 2015, 10:53, Reply)
You are correct.
We only referred to you as MONOEXCLAMATIONMARK. Due to old age we were unable to remember what you were actually called IRL.
(, Mon 6 Jul 2015, 10:55, Reply)
:'(

(, Mon 6 Jul 2015, 10:57, Reply)
it's ok, mono. i know what your name is

(, Mon 6 Jul 2015, 11:00, Reply)
I assumed it was Michael Ono

(, Mon 6 Jul 2015, 11:08, Reply)
Matthew Oscar No
Son of a doctor who was brutally murdered at his reclusive home in Jamaica.
(, Mon 6 Jul 2015, 11:11, Reply)
Doctor Who isn't real.

(, Mon 6 Jul 2015, 11:13, Reply)
Pretty sure it is, you can get dvd's and everything

(, Mon 6 Jul 2015, 11:38, Reply)
oh, maybe.
Sorry, as you were
(, Mon 6 Jul 2015, 11:40, Reply)
son of yoko?
i wouldn't be in the least bit surprised
(, Mon 6 Jul 2015, 11:14, Reply)
I imagine it's what people say when he arrives
Who's that? Michael....Oh no.
(, Mon 6 Jul 2015, 11:39, Reply)
Sorry. 7 years is a long time.
I do remember reserving a room for you under the name of "Edward Teach" for you and EJ at Esme's birthday b4sh
(, Mon 6 Jul 2015, 11:01, Reply)
haha, yeah I vaguely remember that.
I'm not sure anyone really knew/used my real name back then.
everyone just called me Mono, even non-b3tans.
(, Mon 6 Jul 2015, 11:03, Reply)
THEN WHAT ARE YOU CRYING ABOUT?
OMG DRAMAQUEEN

How've you been?
(, Mon 6 Jul 2015, 11:04, Reply)
alright, you?

(, Mon 6 Jul 2015, 11:06, Reply)
Above average

(, Mon 6 Jul 2015, 11:21, Reply)
cheer up, goth

(, Mon 6 Jul 2015, 11:24, Reply)
morning

(, Mon 6 Jul 2015, 7:03, Reply)
alright grrr, you in the uk now

(, Mon 6 Jul 2015, 7:47, Reply)
No, UK's done and dusted, I've departed from it now
I'll tell you something, Broadstairs is a rancid shithole.
(, Mon 6 Jul 2015, 7:48, Reply)
Ive always liked it, loads of pubs, and a tiny cinema

(, Mon 6 Jul 2015, 8:21, Reply)
Yeah, you're the sort of person who would enjoy a day-trip to Thanet.

(, Mon 6 Jul 2015, 8:33, Reply)
<s> J

(, Mon 6 Jul 2015, 8:40, Reply)
fear of a fat janet

(, Mon 6 Jul 2015, 9:19, Reply)
never had you down as a Porcupine Tree fan

(, Mon 6 Jul 2015, 9:20, Reply)
dunno what they are, and i'm happy with my ignorance

(, Mon 6 Jul 2015, 9:24, Reply)
they're a progressive rock band with an album called "Fear of a Blank Planet"
which may or may not be a twist on the famous black "music" album you were punning about.
(, Mon 6 Jul 2015, 9:34, Reply)
Leftfield did a song phat janet too

(, Mon 6 Jul 2015, 9:41, Reply)
LO

(, Mon 6 Jul 2015, 8:06, Reply)
Oh, you speak Swedish!

(, Mon 6 Jul 2015, 8:19, Reply)
nope

(, Mon 6 Jul 2015, 8:23, Reply)
Well what DO you do with it then?

(, Mon 6 Jul 2015, 8:24, Reply)
I'm building a computer from some not so oldish bits I've got laying around.
I might buy a DVD drive for it though.
(, Mon 6 Jul 2015, 8:28, Reply)
ok, well good luck I guess

(, Mon 6 Jul 2015, 8:30, Reply)
It's for my girlfriend for her birthday
This whole "recycling" trend that people seem to love means I get to save a tonne of money.
(, Mon 6 Jul 2015, 8:32, Reply)
True enough
You could spray it pink or summat
(, Mon 6 Jul 2015, 8:35, Reply)
She likes purple.
I might just jizz on it instead though. Spray painting is too much effort.
(, Mon 6 Jul 2015, 8:45, Reply)
Fair enough
that's a lot of wanking though
(, Mon 6 Jul 2015, 8:57, Reply)
nothing I can't handle

(, Mon 6 Jul 2015, 9:00, Reply)
It's all in the planning
time management is KEY
(, Mon 6 Jul 2015, 9:05, Reply)
Hiya!

(, Mon 6 Jul 2015, 8:11, Reply)
*manly nod*

(, Mon 6 Jul 2015, 8:20, Reply)
*wacawaves*

(, Mon 6 Jul 2015, 8:20, Reply)
have i told you about my signed photo of timmy mallett?

(, Mon 6 Jul 2015, 9:18, Reply)
The times I've mentioned him and you wait until now to tell me??

(, Mon 6 Jul 2015, 10:05, Reply)
it's just on the office wall right next to me
he sent it, unsolicited, along with a pamphlet of his artwork. it all came in an envelope when i bought that 'timmy on the tranny' badge and the return address was 'timmy towers'
(, Mon 6 Jul 2015, 10:30, Reply)
Morning grrrry.
Looks like being a lovely day, too.
(, Mon 6 Jul 2015, 8:16, Reply)
No it doesn't
It's about 20 degrees too hot, 100,000 lumens too bright, and there's all these birds chirping and squawking their fucking heads off.
(, Mon 6 Jul 2015, 8:19, Reply)
The latter I can live with, depending on the species.
What've you got?
I sympathise on the former - living in Sydney for a few years was an interesting exercise in testing the limits of acclimatisation to humidity.
(, Mon 6 Jul 2015, 8:21, Reply)
It's not humid
but 20 C is uncomfortable for me, so 33 is taking the piss. And I drove 1400km yesterday in a black car with black leather seats in temps up to 36.
(, Mon 6 Jul 2015, 8:26, Reply)
20 is my comfortable maximum.
Saying that, 43 in Adelaide wasn't unbearable as it was so dry.
(, Mon 6 Jul 2015, 9:16, Reply)
fuck you

(, Mon 6 Jul 2015, 8:38, Reply)
I feel like you wrote that just for me

(, Mon 6 Jul 2015, 8:46, Reply)
I did

(, Mon 6 Jul 2015, 8:53, Reply)
appreciated.

(, Mon 6 Jul 2015, 9:01, Reply)
morning

(, Mon 6 Jul 2015, 8:42, Reply)
yeah yeah

(, Mon 6 Jul 2015, 9:01, Reply)
that's what I say, I say yeah yeah

(, Mon 6 Jul 2015, 9:09, Reply)
m0r3n1n9!
(morning!)
(, Mon 6 Jul 2015, 8:55, Reply)
My mum writes text messages like that
She's 63.
(, Mon 6 Jul 2015, 9:00, Reply)
my mum is a similar age, she has embraced texting 'hope u r ok' instead of my preferred 'you are' but she still puts 'luv mum' at the end so that's nice

(, Mon 6 Jul 2015, 9:05, Reply)
I get "lov mum" or "xxxx" because I think she's a fan of Castlemaine

(, Mon 6 Jul 2015, 9:20, Reply)
morning grrr

(, Mon 6 Jul 2015, 9:14, Reply)
alright manolith

(, Mon 6 Jul 2015, 9:20, Reply)

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