» My computer gave away my secrets

Curse of the Big Gay Bear
My friends and I go on an annual camping trip, and each year a t-shirt is designed to commemorate the occasion.

Well a couple of years back, one of my friends decided his t-shirt would be based around the maxim "does a bear shit in the woods". After a quick Google, an appropriate image was discovered - namely the Charmin Ultra mascot.

Said picture was of a cartoon bear dancing in the woods, and quickly became known as the 'big gay bear'.

Once the photographs of our trip were uploaded to my website, with an appropriate caption, I began to notice a growing trend of hits to the site. In fact in 2004 a good 83% of hits to my site were from the search term "Gay Bear', naively I looked up this up in Google and was delighted to find my website on the first page.

Then I noticed my fellow page one hits.

Take my advice, never set up a website, and use the words Big Gay Bear and leave a guestbook with an e-mail address. Also, whatever you do, don't mention in the meta data that the site also contains photos of drunk blokes pissing around, and photos of the various motorbikes that you've owned, as well as camping trips.

Just don't.
(Tue 14th Feb 2006, 22:20, More)

» Posh

Polo with the Queen
As a young sprog the Queen came over to visit and I was chosen to represent our Cub scout pack in a parade that was held in the park.

When the day arrived, I was upset to notice that all the other cub packs (or the parents) had provided their representatives with a bouquet of flowers or a pennent to present to the Queen - myself, well I had nothing.

So thinking a quickly as a seven year old can, when I was called I stepped forward, ripped off a salute and offered the only thing I had available.

"Would you like a polo mam?"

After my six week ban from the Cubs had finished, it was explained to me that Polo was a game played on horseback and it was this that our monarch enjoyed and not the grubby sweets kept in my pocket.

My mum still wants to die of embarrassment nearly tewnty years later.
(Thu 15th Sep 2005, 15:41, More)

» I don't understand the attraction

Fucking books featuring fucking vampires
First you came for the television. Anything with a modicum of wit or intelligence disappeared from view to be replaced with whatever the lowest common denominator has decided what passes for 'reality' these days.

Occasionally something fresh does pop its head above the parapet, only to be die a quick death as those in charge do not think that our beloved LCD will 'get' it. Sob. Dries eyes.

But I didn't mind too much, for television was not my favourite. Besides, I could always retreat into music.

Then they came for the music.

I don't think that it is because I'm getting old, as I can still find music that I love. But my oh my does it take some finding. Gone are the days when I could hear a song on the radio and want to hear more. Instead I hear generic 'RnB', washed through so many levels of computer processing that I cannot help but wonder if the Bitmap Brothers moved into music production once they finished 'The Chaos Engine'. When it launched iTunes became the refuge of the legal downloader. The top ten sales were made up of great tunes, and a listen to the previews would result in giant games of music tag following along the chain of contempories. Then the LCD found iTunes and now their charts are as bland as the airwaves.

But at least I have my books.

Oh no. Not my last refuge. How can you find me here?

My local bookshops previously a place where I could spend a lunch hour reading the jackets and making a list longer then Santa of authors that I would have to investigate further. Now reduced to a facade of diet plans, ghost written autobiographies (rather appropriate really) of the same non-enties that have infested the airwaves and now on every shelf, of every best seller list and seemingly seemingly shoehorned into every genre - the romantic vampire.

Is it the kind misunderstood vampire that secretly wishes to be a vegitarian? It is the 1,000 year old lord of the vampires seeking his bride? It it the lonely teenage vampire that only wishes for some filly to play with his stake? I don't know, but they now seem to be everywhere and someone must be buying this.

Of course where the literary world goes Hollywood will soon be along to pillage and re-imagine. I guess soon I won't be able to find a decent film amongst the dreamy vampire flicks. What's that you say? Twilight is a film and the LCD's have flocked to it?.... Well shit.
(Thu 15th Oct 2009, 21:43, More)

» I don't understand the attraction

Holiday photographs with you in them.
I realise that I may well be alone in this, but I really cannot get my head around it.

Why do people go through all the effort of traveling to some of the earth most spectacular locations, and then photograph themselves standing in front of said location?

What is the attraction? No, I'll admit I'm probably a little different then most as my hobby is photography and I happen to think that the beauty of the landscape is better preserved without my gurning mug in it. I don't include posed portraits in this, but the average holiday snapshot.

I travelled across the USA earlier this year by myself. Everywhere I went I had people asking if they wanted me to have them take a photo of me. Every time I politely declined, you'd have thought I'd have just turned down the offer of £1m. One particularly persistent potential photographer (sorry couldn't resist the alliteration) exclaimed; "If you aren't in the picture, how will you ever know that you've been here?!" I'll admit that one stumped me.

Im not complaining about it. In fact I have taken the photo myself for loads of people (damn my inherent helpfulness), I just don't get the attraction.
(Wed 21st Oct 2009, 13:07, More)

» Unexpected Good Fortune

Yet another money in the street moment
I rarely have good luck, in fact amongst friends I'm famous for my misfortune. Although there are two incidents that stand out to me that were good fortune.

I'm working for a new employer that have basically recruited me on a pack of lie. My salary is less then half the agreed, and due to an 'administrative' error I was only receiving half of that per month. My motorbike then decided that this was the perfect time to stop functioning, and the garage decided that having parts for the bike despite being the only dealer in the area was a bad idea. So, I'm walking to work one day, very depressed and trying to grow the set of testicles required to jack in the job. It's very early and I still have a long walk before reaching the bus-stop. The road is deserted and there is no traffic whatsoever. It's blowing a gale from behind when this £20 note drifts gently past. I look around, and it's come from nowhere. With a smile on my face I continue, when the same thing happens again, except this time it's two £20 notes! With £60 quid in my pocket I'm all smiles when the same thing happens again. I ended up with over £100, which at the time meant the world to me. It paid for my bike to be repaired and I found another job soon after which I'm still in nearly 7 years later.

The 2nd was on a fruit machine. We were coming back on the Condor from Jersey, and I'd been watching my workmate jamming in pound coin after pound coin into the fruit machine. I've always had an irrational hatred of pound coins as we still have pound notes here. But I happen to have one on me and decide to get rid of it in a constructive manner. I pop in my coin and miss the jackpot by exactly one turn on each reel.... except I've been given 4 nudges. The money I won paid for a trip to France and bought me an iBook off of ebay. Let it be said that a rucksack full of pound coins weighs a lot more then you would expect it to!
(Sat 16th Sep 2006, 1:50, More)