Charity...

...begins at home.
(Tue 20th Jan 2004, 15:45, More)

» Little things that turn you on

My perineum...
...especially when sat on the edge of the sink with an erection.
(Thu 17th Feb 2005, 16:04, More)

» Job Interviews

You can't print that!!?
Interviewer - 'So why do you want to be a printer?'

Me - ''Coz, I want to print!?'
(Sun 23rd Jan 2005, 16:30, More)

» Breakin' The Law

I have a mate...
... whose a police officer. He's run me home a couple of times, does this count?
(Fri 9th Jan 2004, 1:01, More)

» Local Nutters

Hull isn't just famous...
...for fish, trawlers, The Deep and the City Council. Oh no, we have and have had our fair share of people with, shall we say, a couple of screws loose.
Here are 3 that I have known, not personally, but from a distance, pissing myself.
1. I used to work in a supermarket in the town, must be going on for about 12 years now, and I remember this woman who we used to get in store every now and then. She'd be dressed all in black with matted hair, the obligatory smell of piss trailing behind her. Anyway, you'd be filling the baked bean fixture then suddenly look up and she'd be there, standing, her gaze transfixed on the CCTV monitor. The monitor would flick from scene to scene and she'd shout something like, 'IS THAT YOU, EDITH!', at the top of her voice. This would go on for about 10 minutes. I loved her coming in though as you could get a lot of work done, as she seemed to have a knack of scaring other customers off. I also recall one time that she may have shat herself, as I can remember following her out with the mop and bucket.
2. Next is a bloke who marches through the city centre, twitching and barking and picking arguments with the city's youth element. I think he has a mutant form of Tourettes Syndrome, whereby instead of shouting profanities like 'Fuck', 'Cunt, 'Bastard' or 'Wanker' he'd shout 'Carrot', 'Pigeon' or 'Raincoat'.
3. Third is also a bloke. You'd more likely then not see him getting on or off the bus. Thing is if you were on the bus at the time and you were travelling to work or had to be at an appointment, you'd be better off getting off the bus and walking as by the time he'd carried his whole 'life' onto the bus you'd be late. Anyway he used to have about two trollies with him all covered in cardboard with pearls of wisdom wrote on them, like the 'end is nigh' and that sort of thing. He never used to sit down, always preferring to stand up front. He'd then remove a framed picture from one of his trollies and prop it against the bus window. The picture was of some woman. He'd then pack up and get off at the next stop. This was the best bit though, once he'd get off he would stand in the middle of the road and them attempt to direct or conduct the traffic with a handful of biro's which he'd remove from his coat of many pockets, all which had bits of cardboard hanging out, whilst avoiding the swerving traffic. I also heard he would also enter the local shops and direct the customers, whilst flashing his one eyed trouser snake to all and sundry.
I was going to add a fourth with photo evidence, but he's a little close to home. Although he does keep the main road and surrounding areas free of litter.
(Wed 22nd Sep 2004, 21:22, More)

» Shit Stories

Shitball.
I've a mate who said he once farted and literally thought he'd blown a hole in his back pocket as he felt what he thought was a pound coin fall down the back of his leg. Shaking his trouser leg he waited for the nugget to roll out, only to discover it was a nugget like no other. A perfectly formed round piece of shite. He and a friend then allegedly played footie with it all the way to the pub.
(Fri 7th May 2004, 20:13, More)