» In the Army Now - The joy of the Armed Forces

Leave nothing behind
Not my story, told to me by a friend of mine in the TA.

Basically out on training exercises you are meant to act exactly how you would in an actual combat situation. Anyway... you are supposed to leave as little evidence of your passing as possible. No pans, no food and of course... no big steaming turds. This would mean that you either bury it or lay your chocolate log on some clingfilm/plastic (im not entirely sure of the details), wrap it up and save it for disposal later. At the end of one long exercise everyone has built up a fair few pounds of brown cable and they are just about to head off into the sunset when my friend gets a wonderful idea.

Some poor sap had left his pack unattended so my friend and few others set about removing his kit... and replacing it with their plastic wrapped poo.

This guy must have had the shock of his life when he opened his backpack at base to find he had literally been carrying everyone elses shit including his own.

There are plenty of other stories from this nut... such as beer prizes for hitting sheep with mortar fire and him purposely being given the heaviest and largest weapon possible (hes only small you see), but Il save them for later.
(Fri 24th Mar 2006, 2:54, More)

» Darwin Awards

Never give loaded weapons to the Mentally Challenged
It was an air pistol luckily but it still hurt like a bitch.

Im sure theres some b3tards who have owned a Webley Tempest at some point. My dad got me one for my 14th Birthday and I instantly ran outback to pop empty beer cans with a look of sheer glee on my face.

A few hours into the day and many family visits later Im getting to the last of the 500 pellets that came with the gun.

Heres where my mistake came. Theres a member of the family everyone effectionately refers to as "Bubbles". Im not sure how it came to be but Im not quite sure everything in his head connects together the way it should. If it connects at all.

I recocked the pistol ready for another shot and he asked for a go. Why not I thought. I handed him the pistol and went to set the cans up again. I got about two steps before I heard a loud crack and felt a sharp pain in my hand.

I can only guess from where I was hit he attempted to shoot me in the backside.

Little twat.
(Thu 12th Feb 2009, 20:16, More)

» Cheating cheaty cheats

Bejeweled + Artmoney = Win!
My most recent proper cheating moments were back in college. Nearing the end of term and the A2 exams closing, the teachers were pouring out past exam papers for us to complete over every lesson. If you finished early you could leave but if you got a crappy mark, you'd end up doing it again in your own time. Fortunately these were the AQA papers, which AQA have graciously placed on their site along with mark schemes. I printed off every markscheme in a very small size, so you could fit most of the pages on 2 sheets of A4, which I cut up and turned into little booklets. All it took was looking at the front of the exam paper and picking out the right mark scheme.

Those last weeks were a breeze, and I still passed my A-levels with some tasty grades :D

Ive been a member for over 2 years and this is my first post...

b3ta V plates lost... check
Back to lurking... maybe
(Mon 21st Nov 2005, 14:45, More)

» School fights

The only time I got suspended
... and it was primary school of all places! I was in the 5th year while this lad that got me suspended was in the 6th and last year. It all started by me stepping on his foot. Not the worst crime in history but he obviously saw otherwise. The first punches were thrown by him and the fight eventually ended up outside. He picks up this brick and launches it straight at me when my back is turned. The brick glances my shoulder and I see red, turned round and threw the mother of all punches. The crowd gasped as re-entry flames started to make my knuckles glow. I hit him square in the face and he almost took off before hitting the floor hard. I was still up for round two until I saw blood literally pouring from his face and heard this shriek from him as he finds his nose mangled.
Fifteen minutes later Im sat infront of the headmaster getting a serious talk about 'turning the other cheek' and all that before my mum arrived to take me home.
Suspension is a rubbish punishment. A whole week off? Since when is that a bad thing...
(Mon 13th Mar 2006, 16:30, More)

» My Greatest Regrets

Passing up on a good offer
Last March I had gone out with a friend and some people from the halls I was staying in. Two of the girls were pretty damn hot and seeing as it was just me and my mate... the numbers were looking good. They were going to stay at a friends but came back to our flat instead... and being the gentleman I am I offered the one I had my eye on my bed for the night.

I point out that up this this point me and my now ex-girlfriend had been going out for 5 years and even to this day Id still die for her.

I made the bed, and turned round to look at her. She was mere inches from me and from the look in her eyes she wasnt thinking of sleeping.

What did I do? "If you need anything Il be in the lounge!"

Yeah thats right I dived out of there like she was a hungry tiger. A week later I called my ex. She tells me she doesnt love me anymore... fucks sake.
(Sun 8th Oct 2006, 17:28, More)