Profile for R. Jimlad:
I've never felt so accepted in all my life. You people looked deep within my soul and assigned me a number based on the order in which I joined.
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I've never felt so accepted in all my life. You people looked deep within my soul and assigned me a number based on the order in which I joined.
Recent front page messages:
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Best answers to questions:
» Family Holidays
Dad's cock
We were early teens when my folks took me and my brother to Las Vegas on holiday. Obviously being too young for cocktails and bankruptcy at the casinos we busied ourselves at the local 'Wet N' Wild' water park fucking about on huge waterslides and such like. There was one ENORMOUS slide there that twisted, turned and dropped like a motherfucker. Me, my brother and my dad queued for it as my mum wimped out. In front of us was a woman and her daughter who looked about six. On getting to the top it turned out that the little girl was too short for the ride ("You must be yay tall to ride..." etc.) and this started her crying. The lifeguard guy at the top decided to let her ride anyway, probably trying to avoid a scene. Her mum went first, presumably so as to 'catch' the little girl at the bottom. The little girl followed her mum, then my brother went, then I went. Half-way down this slide there was a fully-enclosed 'tunnel' bit that corkscrewed around and as I approached it I could hear crying. I just had to time to register the little girl bawling her head off and holding on to the side of the tunnel before I passed her in a watery blur. I splashed down and my brother was stood there with the mum who was wondering how 2 people had managed to exit the slide before her girl had. The mum was just peering up the exit to the slide in a comedy "looking at the end of the hosepipe before it spurts in your face" type gesture when we heard the crying girl's approach. She was promptly squashed flat by my dad and the little girl arriving together. As if this wasn't already creasing me and my brother up enough it seemed that the perishable underpant lining of my dad's ancient Asda-bought swimming shorts hadn't quite survived the trip intact and his hairy cock was plainly on display for all to see.
Me and my bro were sharing a room and we got no sleep at all that night for collapsing in laughter every time one of us said "That woman had dad's cock in her face!!"
(Thu 2nd Aug 2007, 16:18, More)
Dad's cock
We were early teens when my folks took me and my brother to Las Vegas on holiday. Obviously being too young for cocktails and bankruptcy at the casinos we busied ourselves at the local 'Wet N' Wild' water park fucking about on huge waterslides and such like. There was one ENORMOUS slide there that twisted, turned and dropped like a motherfucker. Me, my brother and my dad queued for it as my mum wimped out. In front of us was a woman and her daughter who looked about six. On getting to the top it turned out that the little girl was too short for the ride ("You must be yay tall to ride..." etc.) and this started her crying. The lifeguard guy at the top decided to let her ride anyway, probably trying to avoid a scene. Her mum went first, presumably so as to 'catch' the little girl at the bottom. The little girl followed her mum, then my brother went, then I went. Half-way down this slide there was a fully-enclosed 'tunnel' bit that corkscrewed around and as I approached it I could hear crying. I just had to time to register the little girl bawling her head off and holding on to the side of the tunnel before I passed her in a watery blur. I splashed down and my brother was stood there with the mum who was wondering how 2 people had managed to exit the slide before her girl had. The mum was just peering up the exit to the slide in a comedy "looking at the end of the hosepipe before it spurts in your face" type gesture when we heard the crying girl's approach. She was promptly squashed flat by my dad and the little girl arriving together. As if this wasn't already creasing me and my brother up enough it seemed that the perishable underpant lining of my dad's ancient Asda-bought swimming shorts hadn't quite survived the trip intact and his hairy cock was plainly on display for all to see.
Me and my bro were sharing a room and we got no sleep at all that night for collapsing in laughter every time one of us said "That woman had dad's cock in her face!!"
(Thu 2nd Aug 2007, 16:18, More)
» Crap meals out
Every sodding family meal since the age of six...
...my Dad feels the compelling need to trot out his array of "hilarious" restaurant jokes.
Someone drops a plate - "Sack the juggler!" followed by howls of laughter.
The sweet trolley arrives - "Is that a trifle or am I wrong?" (to be said to sound vaguely like "a meringue") followed by howls of laughter.
The bread rolls turn up - "Do you have to use your loaf for this job?" "Do you earn a lot of dough?" followed by howls of laughter.
The Soup of the day turns up - "Oh souper!" followed by howls of laughter.
At the chinese when all the dishes turn up at once - "ooh lovely. Whats everyone else having?" followed by howls of laughter.
At the indian placing an order - "Couple of Naans and a grandad!" followed by howls of laughter.
When the bill arrives he hums the theme tune to 'The Bill'.
He once ordered shark just so he could hum the 'Jaws' music as it arrived.
I could go on (making a 'bra' out of his napkin, telling the waitress there's something wrong with his spoon and handing her his fork and don't even get me started on the "leg or breast" shennanigans at Christmas dinner every year) but frankly I'm losing the will to live.
(Thu 27th Apr 2006, 16:31, More)
Every sodding family meal since the age of six...
...my Dad feels the compelling need to trot out his array of "hilarious" restaurant jokes.
Someone drops a plate - "Sack the juggler!" followed by howls of laughter.
The sweet trolley arrives - "Is that a trifle or am I wrong?" (to be said to sound vaguely like "a meringue") followed by howls of laughter.
The bread rolls turn up - "Do you have to use your loaf for this job?" "Do you earn a lot of dough?" followed by howls of laughter.
The Soup of the day turns up - "Oh souper!" followed by howls of laughter.
At the chinese when all the dishes turn up at once - "ooh lovely. Whats everyone else having?" followed by howls of laughter.
At the indian placing an order - "Couple of Naans and a grandad!" followed by howls of laughter.
When the bill arrives he hums the theme tune to 'The Bill'.
He once ordered shark just so he could hum the 'Jaws' music as it arrived.
I could go on (making a 'bra' out of his napkin, telling the waitress there's something wrong with his spoon and handing her his fork and don't even get me started on the "leg or breast" shennanigans at Christmas dinner every year) but frankly I'm losing the will to live.
(Thu 27th Apr 2006, 16:31, More)
» It was a great holiday, but...
Dad's cock
We were early teens when my folks took me and my brother to Las Vegas on holiday. Obviously being too young for cocktails and bankruptcy at the casinos we busied ourselves at the local 'Wet N' Wild' water park fucking about on huge waterslides and such like. There was one ENORMOUS slide there that twisted, turned and dropped like a motherfucker. Me, my brother and my dad queued for it as my mum wimped out. In front of us was a woman and her daughter who looked about six. On getting to the top it turned out that the little girl was too short for the ride ("You must be yay tall to ride..." etc.) and this started her crying. The lifeguard guy at the top decided to let her ride anyway, probably trying to avoid a scene. Her mum went first, presumably so as to 'catch' the little girl at the bottom. The little girl followed her mum, then my brother went, then I went. Half-way down this slide there was a fully-enclosed 'tunnel' bit that corkscrewed around and as I approached it I could hear crying. I just had to time to register the little girl bawling her head off and holding on to the side of the tunnel before I passed her in a watery blur. I splashed down and my brother was stood there with the mum who was wondering how 2 people had managed to exit the slide before her girl had. The mum was just peering up the exit to the slide in a comedy "looking at the end of the hosepipe before it spurts in your face" type gesture when we heard the crying girl's approach. She was promptly squashed flat by my dad and the little girl arriving together. As if this wasn't already creasing me and my brother up enough it seemed that the perishable underpant lining of my dad's ancient Asda-bought swimming shorts hadn't quite survived the trip intact and his hairy cock was plainly on display for all to see.
Me and my bro were sharing a room and we got no sleep at all that night for collapsing in laughter every time one of us said "That woman had dad's cock in her face!!"
(Mon 25th Apr 2005, 15:29, More)
Dad's cock
We were early teens when my folks took me and my brother to Las Vegas on holiday. Obviously being too young for cocktails and bankruptcy at the casinos we busied ourselves at the local 'Wet N' Wild' water park fucking about on huge waterslides and such like. There was one ENORMOUS slide there that twisted, turned and dropped like a motherfucker. Me, my brother and my dad queued for it as my mum wimped out. In front of us was a woman and her daughter who looked about six. On getting to the top it turned out that the little girl was too short for the ride ("You must be yay tall to ride..." etc.) and this started her crying. The lifeguard guy at the top decided to let her ride anyway, probably trying to avoid a scene. Her mum went first, presumably so as to 'catch' the little girl at the bottom. The little girl followed her mum, then my brother went, then I went. Half-way down this slide there was a fully-enclosed 'tunnel' bit that corkscrewed around and as I approached it I could hear crying. I just had to time to register the little girl bawling her head off and holding on to the side of the tunnel before I passed her in a watery blur. I splashed down and my brother was stood there with the mum who was wondering how 2 people had managed to exit the slide before her girl had. The mum was just peering up the exit to the slide in a comedy "looking at the end of the hosepipe before it spurts in your face" type gesture when we heard the crying girl's approach. She was promptly squashed flat by my dad and the little girl arriving together. As if this wasn't already creasing me and my brother up enough it seemed that the perishable underpant lining of my dad's ancient Asda-bought swimming shorts hadn't quite survived the trip intact and his hairy cock was plainly on display for all to see.
Me and my bro were sharing a room and we got no sleep at all that night for collapsing in laughter every time one of us said "That woman had dad's cock in her face!!"
(Mon 25th Apr 2005, 15:29, More)
» Social Networking Gaffes
Butterface
This was just last weekend.
I'm idly tapping away at the computer when I get a text from my drinking buddy Neil.
"I'm in The Lion with Karen if you fancy a pint"
"Who's Karen?", I replied.
"Girl from work. She's sound but a butterface"
"What on Earth is a butterface?"
"Everything about her's nice but her face. Now - are you coming or not?"
I'm very childish and this new phrase filled me with glee. So much so that before going out I changed my Facebook status to "Jimlad is off for a pint with Neil and a butterface", and off I went.
It turned into a great evening and we ended up doing a pub crawl, club and curryhouse. Karen was lovely and, whilst never likely to grace the pages of Vogue, certainly not deserving of the 'butterface' branding.
Being the geek that I am I was straight on the computer when I got in and sure enough there's Karen amongst Neil's Facebook friends list. Friend request sent, off to bed.
Next afternoon and back online, Karen's accepted my friend request. "Yays!", think I and attend to a few other notifications before getting back to her. But hold on, Karen has also wrote on my wall.
"Hey Jimlad! Great night last night. But what's a butterface?"
Shit. The status update.
She deleted both me and Neil shortly afterward. Oops.
(Fri 12th Sep 2008, 18:36, More)
Butterface
This was just last weekend.
I'm idly tapping away at the computer when I get a text from my drinking buddy Neil.
"I'm in The Lion with Karen if you fancy a pint"
"Who's Karen?", I replied.
"Girl from work. She's sound but a butterface"
"What on Earth is a butterface?"
"Everything about her's nice but her face. Now - are you coming or not?"
I'm very childish and this new phrase filled me with glee. So much so that before going out I changed my Facebook status to "Jimlad is off for a pint with Neil and a butterface", and off I went.
It turned into a great evening and we ended up doing a pub crawl, club and curryhouse. Karen was lovely and, whilst never likely to grace the pages of Vogue, certainly not deserving of the 'butterface' branding.
Being the geek that I am I was straight on the computer when I got in and sure enough there's Karen amongst Neil's Facebook friends list. Friend request sent, off to bed.
Next afternoon and back online, Karen's accepted my friend request. "Yays!", think I and attend to a few other notifications before getting back to her. But hold on, Karen has also wrote on my wall.
"Hey Jimlad! Great night last night. But what's a butterface?"
Shit. The status update.
She deleted both me and Neil shortly afterward. Oops.
(Fri 12th Sep 2008, 18:36, More)
» My Worst Date
"I really, REALLY need a shit"
Maybe it was sympathy...
There was this drop dead stunner that I'd been after for ages and she finally agreed to go out with me after weeks of pestering. A few days before we were due to meet at the swankiest bar in town I came down with a chest infection so shot myself down the doc's quick smart in hope of a speedy recovery. If you've ever had a chest infection you'll know that the prescription remedy is Amoxycilin. You'll also know that the side effect of said medicine is the worst case of diahorrea imaginable. I made a point of not eating anything before we met and, since i got there first, grabbed a table within a quick dash of the lavs. Just in case.
She turned up looking stunning and as I stood up to kiss her on the cheek I felt some worrying rumblings down below. Not wanting to start the date with "Excuse me a sec, I just need to pop to the loo". I ignore it as best I can and nip to the bar to get her a drink. The rumblings had turned into cramps by now and it must have been affecting my walk. I do the "I really need the toilet" walk back to the table and sit down. We get chatting and, aside from my liquefied guts trying to explode out of my ass, the date's going pretty well. Then the most painful cramps in the world hit my stomach and double me over at the table. She asks if I'm okay and all I can manage is a red-faced "NNNNGHHHH!!!" as I battle against the date ending in a trouser-full of brown slop. The pain's unbearable, I can barely move. She asks if I need help and I muster all my strength, haul myself to my feet and proclaim "I'm fine. I just really, REALLY need a shit" and bolt for the lavs. I return red-faced a while later and she's there giggling. I've never been so embarrassed in my life but she turns my world by saying it's the funniest date she's ever been on.
Two years later and she's still Mrs. Jimlad. :o)
(Fri 22nd Oct 2004, 13:47, More)
"I really, REALLY need a shit"
Maybe it was sympathy...
There was this drop dead stunner that I'd been after for ages and she finally agreed to go out with me after weeks of pestering. A few days before we were due to meet at the swankiest bar in town I came down with a chest infection so shot myself down the doc's quick smart in hope of a speedy recovery. If you've ever had a chest infection you'll know that the prescription remedy is Amoxycilin. You'll also know that the side effect of said medicine is the worst case of diahorrea imaginable. I made a point of not eating anything before we met and, since i got there first, grabbed a table within a quick dash of the lavs. Just in case.
She turned up looking stunning and as I stood up to kiss her on the cheek I felt some worrying rumblings down below. Not wanting to start the date with "Excuse me a sec, I just need to pop to the loo". I ignore it as best I can and nip to the bar to get her a drink. The rumblings had turned into cramps by now and it must have been affecting my walk. I do the "I really need the toilet" walk back to the table and sit down. We get chatting and, aside from my liquefied guts trying to explode out of my ass, the date's going pretty well. Then the most painful cramps in the world hit my stomach and double me over at the table. She asks if I'm okay and all I can manage is a red-faced "NNNNGHHHH!!!" as I battle against the date ending in a trouser-full of brown slop. The pain's unbearable, I can barely move. She asks if I need help and I muster all my strength, haul myself to my feet and proclaim "I'm fine. I just really, REALLY need a shit" and bolt for the lavs. I return red-faced a while later and she's there giggling. I've never been so embarrassed in my life but she turns my world by saying it's the funniest date she's ever been on.
Two years later and she's still Mrs. Jimlad. :o)
(Fri 22nd Oct 2004, 13:47, More)