» Pet Stories

Don't mess with the cat
Years ago I was living in my sister's house with her, her boyfriend and her cat Tito. Now Tito who did not approve of having any rivals for my sister's afftections.

One sunny Saturday morning I was lazing in bed when I heard a roar of pain from their bedroom. Out of the corner of my eye I saw a flash of fur closely pursued by naked flesh zoom past my door, a shriek of pain and surprise and finally the unmistakeable sound of a heavy physical object falling down the stairs.

It turned out that Tito had wandered into the bedroom to find the happy couple enjoying some morning delight at which he had sunk his teeth into the boyfriend's big toe. Cat flees out of bedroom followed by enraged boyfriend who in his haste does not see that the evil feline has been sick at the top of the stairs during the night.

Fully grown man slips in pile of cold cat vomit, tumbles down stairs during which time cat escapes to sit on the fence at the end of the garden watching the house with a hostile eye.

Cat 1 Man 0

As usual.
(Sun 10th Jun 2007, 10:29, More)

» My Wanking Disasters

Think this just about counts...
My sister says this happened to a friend of hers. Or was it a friend of a friend? Hmmm. Anyway this couple have been trying unsuccessfully to start a family, the wife gets herself checked out and everything seems to be in working order so the bloke makes an appointment at the fertility clinic.

Turns up and the doctor gives him a plastic receptacle and asks if he'd be kind enough to give a sample and invites him to use the loo next door. Poor guy gets in there to find no mucky magazines, let alone a blonde nurse like on that Blink 182 album cover to stick a finger up his nipsy and help him on his way. Manfully fwaps away anyway and manages to spooge into the little container, brings it back to the doctor.

"Ah, thank you" says the doctor inspecting his, umm, donation. "Actually we were after a urine sample".

That's what my sister says anyway.
(Thu 3rd Jun 2004, 9:47, More)

» Never Meet Your Heroes

Sorry, another nice celeb
Many years ago I was having a drink with some friends in the Warwick Castle on Portobello Road when I noticed a bloke on his own with an Adidas sports bag. I walked up to him and said "Excuse me, are you Alex Cox?". He replied that he indeeed was so I said how much I loved the movie Repo Man and asked if I could buy him a drink. His response: "No man, let me buy *you* a drink". What a nice guy, bought a round of drinks and sat down with our little group and nattered about stuff for about an hour. When asked what he was working on he produced a tatty script for "The Pope Must Die" from his sports bag and told us about it. 10/10 celeb.
(Mon 29th May 2006, 13:50, More)

» Guilty Secrets

Fanta Menace - below
What are you and Maura feeling guilty about? The alcoholic twat abused her generosity - she didn't say he could have *four* bottles of wine, drunk there and then - and deserved to lose his job. Dobbing in Maura to save him would have been a shitty thing to do.
(Sat 1st Sep 2007, 17:14, More)

» Stupid Tourists

Guest Of The Red Army
Visiting China with g/f about 10 years ago we pitched up in a strange town and looked for accomodation. Neither of us spoke any Chinese. Found this OK looking place, obviously a hotel or hostel, no signs in English, did the usual stupid tourist thing of miming going to sleep and waving dollars (btw I have yet to find anywhere the Mighty Greenback isn't accepted) at the receptionist. Cue much shaking of head and unintelligible explanations in Chinese. Anyway after about ten minutes he gave in, took some money and gave us a key.

The room was basic but clean, the price reasonable and we were reasonably happy. Leaving the establishment the next morning it became very obvious in the light of day that we had spent the night in a hotel owned by the Red Army (which has many commercial interests) and not meant for tourists, even stupid ones like us. God knows how much we paid over the odds, but I hope the receptionist trousered something worth his while...

Later that holiday I got to fire a Red Army machine gun (more dollar bills speaking the universal language of dosh). Great fun.
(Sat 9th Jul 2005, 16:17, More)