» Real Life Slapstick II

Woman on fire!!
Many moons ago while paying my way through uni (a little anyway), I worked as a waiter in an Italian restaurant.
Pretty standard fare for an Italian other than making ice cream or being a hit man really.
As anyone who's ever been for a meal on valentine's day will know, Italian restaurants are the winds that fan the flames of romance. Rightly so with candles on tables and warbling fat mustachioed men singing in the background as the chefs scream at each other and smash up the kitchen.

And so it was one particular valentine's day that I had agreed to work..everything was the usual busy kinda get people out fast scenario that you'd expect when I noticed one couple close by holding hands, chatting away and looking affectionately into each others eyes.
It was at this moment the very pretty girl knocked her fork accidentally to the floor.
I immediately went to fetch another as she was already reaching down to pick it from the floor, although I told her it was fine and to leave it the damage was done.
Her beautifully styled and very very laquered hair had already been ignited by the candle which the couple were longingly looking at each other over just moments ago.
Her dining partner was sat catatonic just staring at her hair was burning merrily away.
She had about 5 seconds to look at him and wonder what he was staring at before the towel I was holding was around her head and batting the bejeezus out of her near destroyed bouffant.
Her muffled screaming protests of 'ghmnt the fghh are you hmmming' still didn't take the stunned look from her partner's face and so when I finally lifted the towel to reveal a singed and smouldering head..much to the amusement of other diners, she realised what had happened.
Scowled at her partner long enough to utter 'You bastard!!' and promptly ran out of the restaurant.
When the guy finally stirred he just looked at me..finished his drink in one slurp and said 'That's a shag out the window then. Get the bill dor me when you have a chance r kid.'
(Tue 7th Oct 2014, 20:52, More)

» Losing Your Virginity

sandpaper
Am I not getting the point but referring to sand paper just means rough as a badgers arse or, well....just rough and filthy. Seeing as the whole post is about losing virginity I didnt think many people would be foreplay masters :-/
(Fri 4th Mar 2005, 14:03, More)

» Losing Your Virginity

sporty spice n the easiest pull ever
Being naive at a very late age i didnt lose it till I was 19...must have been my upbringing. After being in a complicated relationship with a super fit 17 year old chav who had a kid and never shaggin her I changed my attitude and decided it was time to screw anything to give my hand some relief for a while. So out clubbing one night and just gettin ready to leave... A sporty spice lookie-likey smiles and i politely smile back...she grabs me onto a crowded dance floor and snogged the living crapola out of me, never saying a word till....coming back to mine?. Woke up the next morning in a dirty student bed sit remembering how crap the whole thing was and her saying 'i'm not easy, i don't do this often' andI thought how i'd catch some horrible disease. Also found a card in her room from a friend sayin home your mental problems are resolved soon.!!!!!!! Left her wasted and sleeping and sneaked out into the darkness thinking how overrated the whole thing had been. Thankfully life got better and a few other girls corrected my thinking to....In't Sex brilliant.
(Fri 4th Mar 2005, 13:06, More)