» My Worst Date

Please get away scary lady.......AWAY
#1 Not too long ago I met up with a really rather spiffingly attractive Russian lady I met at a party. Got rather drunk, took her home and did what one must in such circumstances. When the AM made it's evil way around I had another go, and said Russian lady looked over to be post coitally and said "Ha ha! Now you have my AIDS!!" Phrases like WTF etc shot through my mind with both fear, anger and relief that I'd rubbered up. Especially as she is laughing a little too heartily. After my stutterings and anger she pipes up that this was a joke, and she'd thought that being a liberal fella with a left of centre sense of humour that she'd thought I would find such a quip funny. Five minutes later she was standing on the hallway outside my flaty half dressed being told firmly that I'd rather her not come anywhere near me again. Got tested. All cool. Still rail against the entire cocking country though. Vodka drinking, cossack drinking potato monkeys the lot of them.

# 2. Out on Saturday just gone. Was in posh bar in centre of Town with nice new shiny possible new bird type. Was chatting with some mates I'd run into when she rushes up and grabs me by the arm and pulls me to other side of teh bar to show me something amusing or summit. In process of doing this she knocks over the drinks of a bunch of chavs all over said chavs. Chavs don't like this. Am sure is kind of like some kind of Chav Pearl Harbour. She, in reaction to their cries of "Whadafuckayadoin????" decides to try and pull out some kick ass ninja moves. Fails. Falls on her rather lovely arse. Chavs take it up with me. I end up denying any intimate knowlege with said lady and distancing myself from responsibility for her actions. Somehow get away intact without either of us buying them replacement beer. She put out as well. Fucking woo on a stick, says I.
(Mon 25th Oct 2004, 17:59, More)

» I met a weirdo on the interweb

Pants Girl
I used to run a blog/forum site for people to vent spleen about music & suchlike on a while back & consequently had quite a lot of online friends, a lot of whom were top & a few were...special. Pants girl is/was a merkin who found me site & I started chatting to her on msn & the like & before to long we had graduated to skype based talking filth a few times a week. Which was all good & well as it seemed that she was supremely dirty & I get some (probably fictional) tales of what she got up to. It was fairly fine other than her being a bit needy & wanting to be my boyfriend, until i get back from work one to to find a package waiting for me. a box. from the US of A. In it are several pairs of worn lady pants, & a few polaroids of pants girl pleasuring herself with a variety of items that would get her arrested in certain deep south states. and a note. saying she'd booked a flight to come & see me & how she was going to..well, you can guess what she had intended.

thing is, i hadn't told her my address or 'owt like that & i'm entirely ex-directory etc etc. i politely asked her not to come. she hates me now. i still get abusive emails about how i broke her heart (????) and ruined our years of happiness together
(Fri 17th Mar 2006, 15:27, More)

» Pretentious bollocks

make the saucepan stop!!
I went to see what was a pretty obscure canadian post rock band in a grubby little venue in north london a while back. the second support act had the greatest & sillyest attempt at interesting music.

they were an emo/post rock sort of lot. for one of their tracks the lead musician bloke, who played guitar, fiddled with a sequencer, a keyboard etc. pulled out a violin bow.

nothing abnormal there. guitars, violin bows. a little wanky but not too bad.

he wanders over to his guitar stand to pick up his intrument. was it a classic less paul? was it buggery. it was a fucking saucepan.

he then proceeded to play his saucepan with the bow with a look of utter musical rapture, whilst the rest of the his band droned away in the background.

i almost died laughing. it remains one of the greatest things i ever seen.
(Wed 28th Sep 2005, 22:39, More)

» Stuff You've Overheard

Deep fried baby, anyone? No? Shame. It's right tasty.
A couple of years ago a (female) friend of my was unfortunate enough to give birth to one of those children things. Out of a sense of duty & the like, me and two mates went to the maternity hospital to look at the shaved monkey looking creature and offer our commiserations at the loss of her ability to go out/have fun for a few years.

Whilst looking/poking the larval looking thing, I suggested that maybe eating babies would be quite idea. Now, this being the NHS, it was a shared ward with 7 other new mothers & brats. Add to this, my mates & I were all dressed in black trenchcoaty things, all looking like the sad Neo-wannabes we were; which caused much consternation amongst the 12 year old chav mothers of 6 in the room.

All women hugged their babies closer, stared at me with their poison eyes. I carried regardless. They'd be like suckling pig or milk veal, all pale & tender. Eat the hands deed fried, like pork scratchings.
I am not a godfather, or allowed near children anymore.

I will not apologise for length, no sir. What's good enough for John Holmes is good enough for me.
(Thu 10th Jun 2004, 15:25, More)

» Urban Legends

i no brain
I've fallen for just about every one in the book - gullible out of the OED, the old lady sitting in the back seat of my dad's mate's car when he comes back from the supermarket, he asks her to get out to help with reversing & looks round to find axes, knives etc. in the back seat.

My favourite fake one was persuading my sister that ginger people were created by the interbreeding of sexually frustrated spanish sailors in borneo and orangutans in the 1400s. She bought it & mentioned it to her (ginger) boyfriend who undid all my good work. Bugger.
(Thu 5th Jan 2006, 17:40, More)