» Food sabotage

Some comedian or other suggested it.
I cooked a vegatarian couple a lasagne with real mince in it, they said it was the best they had tasted and asked how I made it taste so meaty.

Now I know I shouldn't have but I simply said, "with meat" I was drunk by then and thought they'd see the funny side. Jane spewed up there and then like I'd flicked a fucking spew switch.

Mark, a closet meat eater expressed his faux concern and berated me though I though he was gonna crack up laughing any minute.

Mark still talks to me but Jane blanks me everytime we all get together. So it was a good result because I never liked the fucker anyway, hemp wearing fucking hippy.

Which always makes me wonder to what lengths us blokes will go for a regular shag because Mark lies his fucking arse off to her and talks the same shite she does in her presence, but happily sits with us in KFC before a movie either like she never existed or the chickens are quorn... strange.
(Fri 19th Sep 2008, 9:41, More)

» Customers from Hell

Customers are often wrong.
I have worked at PC World, Wickes, Small Shops, Car Dealerships, Pubs, Clubs, my own market stall, my own shop, my own web business and now i'm a Director of a marketing company.

I could repeat many stories on here but I just want to thow my hat in the ring.

Customers are the witless cunts who pay my mortgage, they pay for my car, my clothes and my childrens clothes, they've paid for my TV my computer and my lovely sofa.

Thanks... but you are all cunts, if it wasn't for my insatiable greed I would try and do a job where I didn't have to interface with the general public. But whilst you still insist on living in a society built on commerce I will do my best to rape your income from under your nose and spend it myself as a cunty customer with someone else.

Cheers all.
(Fri 5th Sep 2008, 11:03, More)

» The Worst Journey in the World

Bloody bastard fucking wasp cunt.
Well the title explains it all. I was travelling from Lincoln to Nottingham. A regular commute always ends up with you meeting new friends. The one day I get talking to this hottie from Newark I kicked her like a mule straight in the shin.

A wasp had crawled up my trouser leg, I hate spiders... so first thought is SPIDER up my leg so I used my other foot to crush it.

I did this too soft and the wasp stung me. I kicked so hard the girl I was talking too started crying with pain. I then whilst telling her I'm sorry and using one leg to kill the wasp had the little bastard stung me 4 more times before it fucking died.

She never sat near me again, despite seeing the dead proof on the floor of the train. It didn't end up a funny story of how we met, just a sad tale of how I kicked the hell out of a friendly stranger just passing her time with chit chat on the way to the daily grind.

I had to spend the rest of the journey feeling like someone had a lit lighter burning my flesh all the way to work.. not to mention the rest of the day with this throbbing pain and itchy red soreness... buggering fuck.
(Wed 13th Sep 2006, 13:19, More)

» The nicest thing someone's ever done for me

I will always remember this...
I had a shit job, no money, spent £10 per week on groceries for two, no money, a 2 hour commute to my shit job and no money.

My girfriend bought me a cd walkman for the train journeys.

She had less money than me.

The nicest things people do are often when they have little themselves.
(Fri 3rd Oct 2008, 9:16, More)

» God

Religion is a Disease
I've had more than my fair share of brushes with religion, I was an out spoken Athiest before it became cool. I am now slowly turning into an Anti-Theist and rally against this stupidity where ever I see it.

The turning point was my nephew coming home from School with creationist propaganda.

Fucking creationists get on my nerves so much I just had to go into the school find out who was responsible and challenge them to a debate in assembly.

To use internet vernacular I pwnd her ass and had the head master promise not to unthinkingly let teachers hand this shit out for fear of being labeled intolerant.

So whilst I generaly have no problem with moderates, I still think they are stupid because they allow the fundys to grow under the umbrella of respect they so smugly demand from society.

They should be laughed at and mocked for believing in this shit that a bunch of Middle Eastern Nomadic Hebrew Goat Herders made up to answer the questions we've pretty much answered properly now.

Get over it, they were wrong then it's wrong now and you're a grown up. Stop talking to imaginary friends.

... and relax.
(Fri 20th Mar 2009, 10:22, More)