» Lies Your Parents Told You

Tropical disease
This Christmas, whilst at my in-laws, I managed to inadvertently reduce my usually hard-lad nephew to tears. On looking at some mild spots of psoriasis on my hands, the terror child asked ‘What are they?’, whilst jabbing at them with a mucky finger.
‘Oh no, you’ve touched them now…’I replied…’That means you’ve caught my hideous tropical skin disease…’
He disappeared, and after a few blissfully quiet minutes, I found the boy huddled in the kitchen weeping, ‘I don’t want it, I don’t want it’. Cruel, but at least it stopped me from being continually kneed in the knackers for five minutes.
(Fri 16th Jan 2004, 13:26, More)

» Shit Stories

Fruit and Fibre
Ah, the joys of parenthood...One particular story concerning my young son that I know will destroy any cockiness in his teenage years, was as follows...Just me and the 2 year old staying at home one day, when I notice the tell-tale niff of nappy filling activity, and look round to see the boy curling off a 'right head-shaker'. Disgruntled that his Mum had gone out before this event, I steeled myself for the necessary nappy change, and put my son in position on his bed.
Popping open the Pampers, I notice that the Tom Tit is as dry as a bone, and looks like a bag of dark brown marbles. Nice. I pick up said soiled nappy, lob it in the bin, turn around and see my boy sitting up straight, looking relieved, naturally. Then, in a horrifying slo-mo moment, I see him look down, and reach for a small poo pebble that had rolled of the nappy, mid-change. Before I could stop him or scream 'Nooooo', he cheerfully said 'RAISIN!' and promptly bit into his own excrement.
Funnily enough, he wasn't impressed with the taste and instantly gobbed it out onto the duvet.
I've now got the perfect retort if ever he ever 'talks shit'...
(Fri 7th May 2004, 13:24, More)