» Phobias

'' givs m th hbi-jbis
Th lttr ''.

I sriously cannot bar th lttr ''.

It maks m go all swaty and I fl quit qur.

No-on blivs m, but it's tru.

Fortunatly I had alrady mad my b3ta usrnam bfor I bcam afflictd.

Unfortunatly my Fathr's nam is Drk, my Mothr's nam is iln and my Brothr's nam is Stv.
(Fri 11th Apr 2008, 11:55, More)

» Have you ever seen a dead body?

Lady in the Water
Saw a dead body face-down in the local docks.

When I first saw her I thought she was wearing a nice mauve cardigan, very similar to this,

cgi.ebay.com/FIRST-ISSUE-Claiborne-Mauve-Cardigan-Sweater-PLUS-20W_W0QQitemZ310026161214QQihZ021QQcategoryZ63866QQssPageNameZWDVWQQrdZ1QQcmdZViewItem

but with long sleeves.

Turns out she was naked and it wasn't a cardigan.

An elderly couple came over and after a few minutes of staring at the bloated, bluey-pink, bobbing body said, "Do you think she's dead?".

I replied, "No, just snorkelling".
(Thu 28th Feb 2008, 11:23, More)

» Slang Survey

bits
My six year old came home from school last week and told me that all his teachers are 'cunts'.

I went to a parents evening last Friday - he was right.
(Mon 2nd Feb 2004, 12:25, More)

» Advice from Old People

hmmmmmmm
My Gran once told me....

Never look a badger in the eye on a Tuesday
If it's raining in the village down the road
If you see a frog on a Saturday or Wednesday
It's probably not a frog, but a toad.

The wind that blows from the West is better
Than the wind that blows from the South
Your Grampy likes a blowjob on a Sunday Morning
But I don't let him come in my mouth.

....never forgot it.
(Wed 25th Jun 2008, 15:29, More)

» Gambling

Idiot
I know someone that puts a single line on the lottery every week, their numbers are 23, 24, 25, 26, 27 and 28.

When I told my work colleagues this they laughed and said that the chances of 6 consecutive numbers coming up were practically zero.

When I then explained that the chances of these 6 consecutive numbers coming up were exactly the same as any of the 6 numbers that they had picked, or any of the 'random' lucky dips they looked at me as though I was an idiot.

I am an idiot, but very occasionally a correct idiot.

BTW I have also now started doing the same numbers as my friend. He once said that if he wins with the numbers he would give me half of the jackpot. I now stand to win 3/4 of the jackpot, assuming he still gives me half of his.

Also assuming that the two of us are the only people with these numbers.

Also assuming that you bastards out there aren't now going to put the same numbers on.

Bugger, bugger, bugger, should never have posted this.
(Fri 8th May 2009, 10:51, More)