Profile for metalwarlord:
Hello. I am the comedian Andrew O'Neill.
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Best answers to questions:
- a member for 19 years, 10 months and 15 days
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- has posted 4 stories and 2 replies on question of the week
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Hello. I am the comedian Andrew O'Neill.
Recent front page messages:
Best answers to questions:
» Going Too Far
Sometimes I forget...
I'm a stand-up comic, and us comics have a dark sense of humour offstage. Every now and then I'm reminded that most 'civilians' don't.
A gentle example is when I was on my way home from a gig. Our coach had stopped at a motorway service station, the type that charges £1.50 for a bottle of water. All the coach refugees were looking round the shop grumbling about the prices. I turned to this one guy in the spirit of 'we're all in this together':
"Yeah. Feels a bit like your being raped doesn't it?"
"No."
Too far.
(Fri 10th Nov 2006, 16:44, More)
Sometimes I forget...
I'm a stand-up comic, and us comics have a dark sense of humour offstage. Every now and then I'm reminded that most 'civilians' don't.
A gentle example is when I was on my way home from a gig. Our coach had stopped at a motorway service station, the type that charges £1.50 for a bottle of water. All the coach refugees were looking round the shop grumbling about the prices. I turned to this one guy in the spirit of 'we're all in this together':
"Yeah. Feels a bit like your being raped doesn't it?"
"No."
Too far.
(Fri 10th Nov 2006, 16:44, More)
» Shit Stories: Part Number Two
Lightning strikes twice.
About two and a half years ago I was the proud owner of a classic Misfits shirt - the one with the big skull on. I'd cut the sleeves off perfectly, it had worn in nicely. It was a favourite.
On my 26th birthday I got more drunk than I have ever been. I was very drunk by the time people ordered me a row of shots. I was hammered. I then attempted to cycle home.
I was woken up by the police, somehow having turned into a man from the 40s.
"Do you know where you are?"
"I'm just North of London's fashionable Soho"
"You're sullying our Holborn police station"
"Of all the places to sully!"
They were quite agreeable and I saw one of them make a physical effort to not say "On your bike".
I woke up further down the road to the sight of someone trying to steal my bike. "I was just seeing if you were awake," he said. How neighbourly.
It was at this point that I realised I needed a shit more than I have ever needed a shit in my life. The pressure was immense, and panic set in. It was 5 in the morning, nowhere was open and I was still a long way from home.
I nipped down an alley and behind a wall, pulled down my trousers, crouched down and let loose a torrent of hot liquid effluent. Standing up, relieved, I noticed it has squarely hit the back of my Misfits shirt as I crouched. Covered in liquid shit. Ruined.
A few weeks later I replace said Misfits shirt. Cut off the sleeves carefully, wear it every day to break it in.
That Summer I'm doing stand-up at the Download festival. It's boiling hot and I've tucked my Misfits shirt into the waistband of my trousers. I go for a shit in a portaloo. I stand up. My Misfits shirt has fallen into the bowl and I have shit on it.
I didn't get a third.
(Thu 27th Mar 2008, 15:41, More)
Lightning strikes twice.
About two and a half years ago I was the proud owner of a classic Misfits shirt - the one with the big skull on. I'd cut the sleeves off perfectly, it had worn in nicely. It was a favourite.
On my 26th birthday I got more drunk than I have ever been. I was very drunk by the time people ordered me a row of shots. I was hammered. I then attempted to cycle home.
I was woken up by the police, somehow having turned into a man from the 40s.
"Do you know where you are?"
"I'm just North of London's fashionable Soho"
"You're sullying our Holborn police station"
"Of all the places to sully!"
They were quite agreeable and I saw one of them make a physical effort to not say "On your bike".
I woke up further down the road to the sight of someone trying to steal my bike. "I was just seeing if you were awake," he said. How neighbourly.
It was at this point that I realised I needed a shit more than I have ever needed a shit in my life. The pressure was immense, and panic set in. It was 5 in the morning, nowhere was open and I was still a long way from home.
I nipped down an alley and behind a wall, pulled down my trousers, crouched down and let loose a torrent of hot liquid effluent. Standing up, relieved, I noticed it has squarely hit the back of my Misfits shirt as I crouched. Covered in liquid shit. Ruined.
A few weeks later I replace said Misfits shirt. Cut off the sleeves carefully, wear it every day to break it in.
That Summer I'm doing stand-up at the Download festival. It's boiling hot and I've tucked my Misfits shirt into the waistband of my trousers. I go for a shit in a portaloo. I stand up. My Misfits shirt has fallen into the bowl and I have shit on it.
I didn't get a third.
(Thu 27th Mar 2008, 15:41, More)
» The Weird Kid In Class
It was me.
I was very interested in the various things that could be done with the human body. Hence the time I made Joanna Opuku cry at lunch by turning my eyelids inside out. I could also 'play' Walking In The Air on my cheeks. I spent a week learning how to flare my nostrils. And I constantly made stupid shit up about my family.
Now I'm a stand-up comic and I was in Steve Coogan's last sitcom. I believe that is a victory for the weird kids.
(Sun 21st Jan 2007, 22:05, More)
It was me.
I was very interested in the various things that could be done with the human body. Hence the time I made Joanna Opuku cry at lunch by turning my eyelids inside out. I could also 'play' Walking In The Air on my cheeks. I spent a week learning how to flare my nostrils. And I constantly made stupid shit up about my family.
Now I'm a stand-up comic and I was in Steve Coogan's last sitcom. I believe that is a victory for the weird kids.
(Sun 21st Jan 2007, 22:05, More)
» The Weird Kid In Class
Grammar schools
I went to a grammar school, and my parents had fuck all money. In fact I don't think ANYONE I went to school with had any tuition to get in there. And there were plenty of well poor kids. So this is bullshit.
(Mon 22nd Jan 2007, 14:28, More)
Grammar schools
I went to a grammar school, and my parents had fuck all money. In fact I don't think ANYONE I went to school with had any tuition to get in there. And there were plenty of well poor kids. So this is bullshit.
(Mon 22nd Jan 2007, 14:28, More)