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The lovely Rev Jesse made this very flattering pictures of me with hardly any 'shopping at all.


The Pixel king, Folds Five, empixellated me.









I'm on MSN... wendyorder HAT-MINUS-THE-H iafrica DOTGOESHERE com

Don't bother using this email address for emailery reasons because I bin most things sent here before even reading them.


My computer geek score is greater than 22% of all people in the world! How do you compare? Click here to find out!


I'm carp at tattyshop and drawering but here's one that Attila the Bun made of me:



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Best answers to questions:

» Evil Pranks

That'll learn her
When I was around 10 years old I went swimming in the local outdoor pool one summer to find my big sister there with all her "so cool" friends.

My sister hadn't put her clothes into a locker and left them beside the pool.

They got stolen.

She begged me, me her little sister, "pain in the arse", target of her constant ridicule, to go home (a 1 hour walk away) to get her some clothes.

I raided the cupboards at home.

The first born much older sister once owned a delightful 60's style "pants suit". It was bright orange with massive psychedelic flowers that consisted of a sleeveless 3/4 length jacket and flared groovy fashion slax. It was truly horrendous and LOUD.

It was so awful that my mum kept it for a laugh.

I returned to the swimming pool with said clothes in a plastic bag, handed them over to her and scarpered with "I'M GONNA KILL YOU!" piercing the air behind me.
(Mon 17th Dec 2007, 22:17, More)

» Abusing freebies

My mates and I were flying to Buenos Aires
and Fiona and I were sitting together and her being a true Scot wanted to grab as many bags of complimentary nuts as possible "so I don't have to buy lunch during the day when we are there".
I said I would help her so we kept wandering to the different food prep areas on the plane saying we were hungry and can we have a bag of nuts.
This continued for the entire 8 hour flight and kept us amused and giggling.
We manage to amass around 85 bags of them.

As the plane neared B.A. and we started our descent, a gaggle of giggling Space Waitresses arrived at our seats, one had a very large, brown, hardwearing carrier bag (the type with straw handles) 3/4 full of peanuts and dumped the entire lot on our laps.

We shrieked with laughter and delight, raised our arms in triumph \o/ and told them they were the best Space Waitresses EVER to grace the skies (Malaysian Airways).

On the return trip some of the crew were the same and as we took off, one came over to us and said "We have plenty of nuts if you are interested".

We we all peanutted out by then and politely declined.

BTW, she returned with half of the peanuts in her suitcase, bless her tartan socks.
(Thu 8th Nov 2007, 16:39, More)

» Devastating Put-Downs

Out at a posh "do" at a restaurant
This woman wouldn't stop talking about herself "me me me... Fabulous frock I am wearing... Designer frock, blah blah blah".

My friend was getting agitated and interrupted her with "I think you would look divine in something long and flowing". "Ooh you think so?" she replied.

"Yeah. The Thames".

Some of us were in mid sip and spat out our wine from trying to stifle our laughs.

She had nowhere to go. She couldn't move seats and for the rest of the dinner she glowered while we tried to behave as if nothing had happened, all the while stifling our urge to keep bursting out laughing.
(Thu 24th Nov 2011, 16:40, More)

» Twat Friends

My best mate
is lovely but she gets very nervous in social situations and tends to panic and blurt out the most embarrassing things.
She started repping with a man who happened to be gay. She decided to invite him and his partner to her house for dinner and invited me too for moral support.
When she is hosting something she feels that she has to ensure conversation flows and everyone is getting on, even if there is a crowd of 50.
Anyway, during dinner there was a lull in the conversation and I could see the tell tale signs on her face, twitching, mouth opening and closing and face flushed. I thought "oh no, here we go". She blurted out "So, which one of you takes it up the arse?".
(Thu 19th Sep 2013, 22:48, More)

» The most childish thing you've done as an adult

Pffft so many, so often
But my latest was last week when I looked after a class of nursery school children, aged 3 - 6.
They were given a task of cutting out pictures from a supermarket's pull-out ad and to stick them to a board.
The group I was looking after had to cut out pictures of toiletries.
When they'd finished I asked them what each item was. They hesitated on the ladies santary owls with wings and look to me for guidance.
"Jam Rags" I said. They all nodded and carried on.
Naively I didn't realise they would actually remember that but didn't think it mattered as English wasn't their first language and we weren't speaking English anyway.

To my horror the teacher then asked each team of children to give her their boards and tell the whole class what each item was.

They all remembered, blurted out "JAM RAGS". I was told off and had to say "Sorry, Miss. Won't do it again, Miss".

I heard my aunt mutter under her breath "I knew asking Flowerpot to help was a bad idea". After she stopped giggling of course.
(Thu 17th Sep 2009, 18:54, More)
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