» Stupid Tourists

We know where you live...
Some years ago I was working as Town Crier for the city of St.Albans. Summer job announcing all kinds of utter crap to make sure that people knew what the hell was happening on Market Days.*

I'd just finished announcing the day's events at the top end of the town when I was approached by two of the fattest people I have ever seen. One of them, sturggling with a tiny phrasebook in his pudgy paws spoke loudly and slowly to me in a language which alas I didn't understand at all.**
The ensuing conversations remains with me to this day.

"I'm sorry, I don't understand you. Do you speak any English ?"

"Of course we speak English! We're from Idaho! Why don't you speak Italian ?"

"Ahm, because we're in England, not Italy ?"

"You're wrong, this is Rome. Rome is in Italy"

"We're not in Rome, really we're not."

"Yes we are. We're touring Europe, and we're here to see the Roman ruins."

"Well, the Roman ruins are down the hill there, but I assure you you're not in Italy, you're in England."

"No, we're in Rome. England was yesterday"

At which point they waddled off towards the old Roman city of Verulamium, muttering to each other about the fool in the red coat who didn't even know which country Rome was in.

*Yes I am serious, sad isn't it.
**Alas all the laguages I speak fluently have the phrase "syntax error" as a major feature
(Tue 12th Jul 2005, 13:40, More)

» Karma

Karma pixies please!
I've been in finland for the last week.
I'm sure it's a nice place under the right circumstances but by all the gods the Finns are a glum people. Perhaps there's a smile tax that doesn't apply to us foreign types or something.

Not strictly relevent but it all serves to set the scene for my mood when boarding a picaddily line train last night after finally being vomited forth from the foetid guts of heathrow airport.

Nothing unusual there, you might say, and that would be so until another chap wearily dragged himself onto the train, looked around at all the other long faces, and with a faint smile assembled a flute.
For the next few stops the tube was filled with music, beautifully played and with each piece obviously chosen to lift the mood and spirits of anyone listening.

He then hopped off the tube, and moved along to the next car.

Sensless acts of beauty and random kindness...
(Mon 25th Feb 2008, 13:24, More)

» Useless advice

Something a chum told me
Good advice to live by.

Never worry,
Never Hurry,
Never fill your hat with Curry.
(Tue 24th Oct 2006, 10:28, More)

» Food sex

One of my favourites...
Dark chocolate, lindt 70% dark with mint oil for personal preference.

The object of your desires is laid out someplace comfy and given strict orders not to wriggle* then one corner of a square of chocolate can be used like a crayon to draw on the warm canvas set before you.
Loops and swirls, vines, flowers, little baroque accents around the places you want to pay special attention to, etc...

Move slowly and gently, let body heat melt the edge of the chocolate, don't drag it across the skin too harshly.

Then comes either following the lines with kisses, licks and nibbles, carefully removing every trace of artwork until your best beloved is writhing gently and sparkling clean.**
Or relaxing on top of them, pressing skin to naked skin and taking an imprint of the carefully drawn patterns onto yourself before releasing your partner and asking winsomely if they like chocolate too...


*Ropes, chains, or a firm disapproving stare as needed
**For certain values of clean
(Mon 10th Aug 2009, 13:08, More)

» Why I was late

Some days you just can't make it up...
Time and Time ago, when such things were possible*, I managed to get my hands on some particularly fine acid. As one does I called up a chum who would appreciate such things and we wandered around the Egyptian hall of the British Museum watching the stone statues of Sehkmet breathe and luxuriating in the wonderful texture of the walls.
After which we went back to my place and I spent some while counting all the freckles the dear girl posessed. We drop a few more tabs, wile the night away in various pursuits and eventually fall asleep.
Wake up the next morning only to realise that Im still seeing little stained glass people climbing the walls and that the girl I'm lying next to looks mouthwatering with the skin of a bejeweled lizard.

After a few tries I managed to get my huge brick of a phone to autodial the office and spoke to my boss.

"Sorry, not going to be in today. Still twisted from the drugs. May be in tomorrow."

Blank silence, "What ?"

"I've taken too many drugs and I can't even see straight never mind write decent code. I should be ok again by tomorrow"

"Oh, Ok..."

Headed in the next day and get gently asked if I was ok afer my overdose...


*Not like these modern days when it's either E's or nothing
(Fri 29th Jun 2007, 13:25, More)