» * PFFT *

Filling up with gas
Last one I promise.

My ex and my friend, Dave, popped down the service station to buy some fags, and when they got back, they were both almost legless with laughter. It took a good ten minutes before they'd stopped laughing long enough to tell me that just as they'd come in, the Armaguard guy had arrived to take the day's takings from the till. The shopkeeper told Dave and the ex that they had to lock down the servo while this transaction was taking place, but that he would let them pay and go before locking the place up for the ten minute transaction. Just as Dave paid for his smokes, he dropped his guts, quietly but with deadly effect. Apparently even HIS eyes were watering as they both fled the place. When they got outside, and the doors had been locked from the inside, trapping the hapless Armaguard guy and counter attendant in the wall of stench. What tripped them over the line of near hysteria was the look of sheer horror on the faces of the two men trapped inside the evil-smelling environment, the comedy effect of which was so great, that Dave and the ex stuck around for a few minutes, helpless with laughter, to watch the show. It was only when the doors were finally unlocked and the green faced Armaguard man opened the door that they fled.
(Fri 13th Jul 2007, 15:28, More)

» My Worst Date

Worst date? Hmmm, only one for me...
End of semester Art College party, lots of serious young stick insects in 'individual' states of dress, trying desperately to look
edgy and cool. I was invited to attend by a smashing friend, who wanted to set me up with one of the few good looking and not too egotistical eligible lads.

I was introduced and we then spent most of the night waiting to board the tourist type cruise boat which was to take our happy group up and down the Brisbane River for several hours. Boat was delayed, so much drinking ensued in the interim. My date was beginning to slur slightly by this stage, but was still coherent and charming, and the night was young.

Cruise boat finally arrives, we all board, and finally, I get to drag my date to the upper deck for some fresh air. By now, on a steady intake of Strongbow cider, he has abandoned the charming manner and is beginning to give off that slightly desperate air that is the result of trying too hard to be cool. We are sitting side by side, when he leans over for a quick kiss, then breaks away, says "Pardon me," then without missing a beat or removing his arm from my breasticular regions, he leans two feet to the right, vomits copiously over the side of the boat onto the deck and patrons below, wipes his mouth, and amid the screams of dismay and disgust from the patrons below, turns back to me, partially pre-digested finger food liberally adorning his gothic attire, ready to re-apply his aromatic mouth to mine. At that point, I excused myself, and I spent the rest of the evening trying to dodge him, as he followed me all over the boat, asking if people had seen me, and only stopping briefly to spew every ten minutes or so. I was like a prey animal, hiding and trying desperately to keep one step ahead of the predator.

He was still topping himself up with Strongbow as he lurched about the vessel, so the chances of me allowing him to get close enough again were very, very slim indeed.

Moments before the boat docked and I could escape, he leapt off the deck of the boat in a manly display of athleticism, failing to reach the jetty by a good metre or so. I made sure he was fished out in one piece before fleeing the scene. I ended up going to the casino alone and winning enough cash from a poker machine to more than compensate me for the lost enjoyment of the evening.
(Fri 22nd Oct 2004, 13:19, More)

» Karma

Fastest Karmic payback ever.
Whilst on holidays some years back, my partner needed to get hold of some aspirin for a shocking headache, so we drove into this little town on the coast of northern New South Wales looking for a Chemist.

We found one, and whilst inside, Mr S drew my attention to a rack of sunglasses of the kind that fits over your existing prescription glasses, covering them totally. I'd never seen such a great idea, and picked up a pair. Mr S then spotted a sign saying "Buy one get one free from this rack" as they were all end-of-line sunglasses.

The girl on the counter rang up the price, but didn't do the 'free' thing, so she had to have another go and couldn't figure out how to enter it into the computer system. She became totally flustered, and had to consult another counter-girl who also couldn't figure it out.

Eventually between the two of them, they managed to complete the transaction and as I was walking out the door with our new sunglasses and the aspirin, Mr S took a look at the receipt and whispered "They cocked up! They didn't charge us for one pair, and charged only half price for the other!"

I was halfway through turning around to go back when he ushered me out of the shop, muttering under his breath "Quick! Before they realise and call after you! GO!"

In the truck (my Ford F350 ute, no airconditioning) and on the road again, Mr S was jubilant, chortling about how we'd got something for free. I told him that I would have preferred to go back and make a clean breast of it, but he just laughed at me for being a 'goody two shoes'.

Not five minutes later, we were driving down some deserted country road, and ploughed through a mist of something spread across the road.

The mist was a swarm of bees, a dozen or so of which were driven into the cabin of the truck by the slipstream. Mr S was stung three times, I got off scot-free. Pulling over to urge the winged survivors out the window, I picked two out of my hair, while Mr S ouched and %&*#@ at the stings on his arm, neck and scalp.

He then said "That's the quickest Karmic beat down I've ever seen in my life." Had to agree.
(Fri 22nd Feb 2008, 11:54, More)

» The Onosecond

OH NO, with a vengeance
Was at work with a colleague when the IT dude came in to upgrade something on all the computers, and asked my colleague to log on for him. Colleague logs on and while I watch disinterestedly, waiting for him to get back to our conversation, I witness the colleague's screen wink into life, displaying the most sensationally in-your-face full frontal gynacological display of female map of Tassie from the email the boss had sent him ten minutes earlier, which he had forgotten to shut down after viewing. Colleage's face turns beet red, IT dude (who is a religious chap aged about 60) calmly waits for my now sweating colleage to close the offending view of the full-on beaver shot with googly eyes photoshopped on top with the words "Kiss Me" emblazoned beneath. He was never able to meet the IT dude's eyes ever again, and resigned shortly after.

For once, I wasn't the one who cocked up. Nice one Big Man.
(Thu 26th May 2005, 11:47, More)

» Public Sex

Ahem, Are you sitting comfortably?
Then I'll begin...

I was about 20 or so, and had had the hots for this bloke Darryl for some time. We'd known each other for years, and enjoyed each others' company, but for some reason, just never got around to taking it further.

One night, Darryl suggested we go to the drive in, a now extinct rite of passage for all Aussies, to ostenstibly see some crappy B grade movie, but actually taking the opportunity of being in a warm car at night in the dark with someone you want to get to know a bit better.... unsurprisingly, I sparked up and started to look forward to what would most likely end up as 'THE BIG NIGHT' for us.

I arrive and find out the drive in affair is to be a double-bill: Darryl's brother and his girlfriend are coming along too. While they got busy in the back seat, Darryl and I couldn't quite bring ourselves to do the same, so contented ourselves with some hands-on exploration. Finally the movie finished, and we all pretended we'd enjoyed the film, while re-adjusting our clothing etc for the drive home.

On arrival at Darryl's parents place, Darryl's brother and his girlfriend made themselves scarce and Darryl and I were left alone at last. It was late, and I was disappointed both mentally and physically, that neither of us had had the chance to get any action. But fate smiled on us, and when Darryl walked me back to my car, a 1974 Volvo 144GL, he noticed its comfy and huge leather bucket seats.

Within seconds, we were both in the car and Darryl had pulled me over from the driver's side onto his lap and proceeded to rekindle my interest in his physical person. Very nice it was too, so, emboldened, I hitched up my black velvet dress, and straddled him, making sure I was keeping his interest as well.

Time passed as it does, when you are totally preoccupied with the 'first time' with someone, and we were oblivious to the outside world as we pressed our bodies together as far as they would go, and in as many satisfying directions as possible for foreplay.

The windows were quite steamed up by then, and we were getting to the part of the proceedings where part A was to be inserted into slot B. This required a little bit of skill, as the Volvo was not a roomy vehicle, and there was a bit of fumbling as Darryl's trousers were undone for the final act.

I was literally poised above his manhood, about to blissfully conjoin our eager bodies, when there was a loud tap on the window right next to our heads. A disgruntled man's voice almost shouted "I don't care what you are doing in there, but TURN YOUR BLOODY MOTOR OFF!"

Neither of us had even noticed since arriving at Darryl's place that I had only put the car in park, and not turned off the ignition. It turned out we'd been parked there for over an hour, at something like 1am, with this agricultural sounding Volvo belching and farting in a quiet suburban street.

Not surprisingly, Part A decided it needed a bit of a lie-down, and Part B ended up going home unsatisfied that night.

Follow up: A couple of days later, we decided to try again, but this time, Darryl came to my place. I had just moved on to the most satisfying part of the massage when my flatmate took this opportune moment to fall off the painters scaffolding outside and hurt his back. His cries of agony put a kybosh on both our libidos. Thwarted again!!! At this point, we both kind of gave up, deciding there must be a reason for all the interruptions. We're still great friends though. Just one of my nagging regrets in life, that I didn't get nearly as much action as I should have. Oh well.
(Fri 24th Apr 2009, 12:11, More)