» Oldies vs Computers

we aren't all computer geeks
and this is the geekiest most pointless urban legend producing geekfest ever (God alone knows what fucking Legless The Man With The World's Most Exciting And Entertaining Life Even Though Most Of It Is Spent On Line will make up for this one).

Where are the injuries? Where's the embarrassment? Where's the humour? "Oh, some fuckwit ordered a type DH0010000100000111001 component when really they wanted a DH00100001001001110011! The twat! hahahahahahaha

Read the suggestion board! So much good stuff! B3TA QOTW is in danger of being bloody awful. Quit the geekery! Please!

Clicking "I like this" will make it happen!
(Fri 22nd Sep 2006, 15:04, More)

» Voyeurism

Slapper! Bets! Doggy Style! Cowboy Hats!
When I was at Uni, there were 7 of us in a house. We'd been friends for years, and had no secrets from one another (except the lad who hid the fact he was gay until he was sectioned some years later).

One guy had been seeing a girl who would do pretty much anything with anyone. He was pleased as she was ace in bed, but her constant infidelity upset him a bit.

As it was a casual thing, he shared some details and a bet was eventually made. We offered him a tenner each if he could get her from behind and convince her to bark like a dog. Further bonus money was available if he could wear his cowboy hat at the same time.

Naturally we had to witness this in order to pay out so we drilled a hole in his door, suitable for peeking through.

A few nights hence he was out with her, and brought her back. We waited for him to get down to business and began a-peeking. She was dirty (and we were surprised to see he hadn't been lying when he said he had a big knob, the bastard!) and gradually things hotted up.

Unaware that there was a group of lads taking turns to watch through the viewing hole, Nick turned her round, then gave us a wink and thumbs up. He whispered in her ear, and all of a sudden the barking began. He reached round to his chair, put on his hat, and even exceeded expectations by making full on rodeo motions.

We collapsed laughing and made our way from the door to the living room and began counting out money, and opening some cans.

When she left we cornered Nick, and presented him with the dough. He accepted gratefully and said he was trying so hard not to laugh he nearly fell off.

One of the funniest things I've ever seen.
(Mon 15th Oct 2007, 11:09, More)

» It's not me, it's the drugs talking

It's hard to pick a winner
These sort of stories are very hard to write about without sounding like a boasty twat. Still that's exactly what I am so here goes.

One of the most memorable was when I travelled to Birmingham to pick up a batch of Hoffmans, some high strength blotter acid. We got home, and from then on the night is a blur. I awoke the next afternoon in the airing cupboard, clutching a flowerpot with a telephone taped to my chest.

I clambered out of my cupboard to survey a scene of devastation. Every door handle in the house had a carton of orange juice pushed on to it, with large puddles on the floor. Raising my eyes heavenwards I saw, instead of God, a variety of pizza packaging and canned food and drink gaffer taped to the ceiling.

Cursing, I made my way downstairs, and opened the balcony windows to let some fresh air in. As I did so I looked down, and there, twelve stories below, was the tv out of my bedroom, along with the contents of my freezer (mainly belonging to my housemate).

Sighing, I took a stella out of the fridge, rummaged through the kitchen ashtray to make a butt spliff, chuckled ruefully, and made an adult decision to clean up later, after a bit of shuteye.

I entered my bedroom, and all thoughts of a nice sleep left my head. Lying atop my bed, snoring manfully, was my friend Pete, with whom I'd gone out.

He had become a home made mutant hero turtle.

With the shock arrived some flashbacks - the gaffer tape fun had continued and with the aid of glowsticks had made him some nunchucks, a gaffer tape eye-band (which later removed his eyebrows), a wok as a shell (it was never the same afterwards) and some t-shirts as knee pads.
(Thu 15th Dec 2005, 12:45, More)

» The worst sex I ever had

Eve...
When I was a student, there was a house in which 7 girls lived. I had great sex with 2 of them and disastrous experiences with 2 of them. I hasten to add that this was in my first year, and I was still not terribly experienced or indeed competent.

One night I had turned up there, pissed, with my mate. I was covered in mud, following doing a runner from a cab, and was trying to impress. About midnight Eve came home. I'd never met her before, but was impressed by her general appearance. An argument started, and she punched me in the face. I picked her up, ran the bath, and dumped her in it. We grappled for a bit and ended up kissing and fondling before legging it off to bed.

It was a shocking performance. It lasted barely minutes, and was amateurish in the extreme. The crowning moment was a loud fanny fart... "That wasn't me!" I said, crassly. I topped this a moment later when I let rip with a loud beer fart and said "That was!"
(Sat 16th Jun 2007, 22:39, More)

» Neighbours

Goblins! Midgets! Spackers! Tescos!
My neighbour (well, a nearby resident) is a lady in her late 30s/early 40s. She's a very nice lady, but has a challenging life. This is principally owing to her Downs Syndrome son, who I shall, for the purpose of anonymity refer to as Mungo.

Mungo is about 17, powerfully built, and mad as a box of frogs. His greatest adventure began some weeks ago, and is still ongoing as a result of pending legal action.

It began with his mother leaving him unsupervised for a short while; the cupboards were running towards empty and so a trip to Tesco was undertaken. Naturally such expeditions carry with them a great deal of hassle if Mungo attends and so as it was a quick in-and-out shop she left him at home, in front of the telly, with a bit of chocolate.

40 minutes or so she came back and found Mungo covered in scratches with a bruise welling up on the side of his face. Naturally, as a caring and protective mother, she was very concerned and enquired as to how he obtained these marks. His answer was:

“I've been out catching Goblins!”

His mother was surprised by this, and pushed him for a more believable answer. This time, his response was, if anything, even less credible.

“I've been out catching goblins and I have one locked in the upstairs bathroom!”

At this point his mother heard muffled banging coming from the upstairs of the house. Concerned, she sprinted upstairs and braced herself to confront the “goblin”, whatever the hell it was.

Tension coursed through her as she eased open the door, to find herself staring at a very angry midget woman. Standing all of three foot six, what she lacked in height she seemingly made up for in fury. She ran from the house, unmollified by the frantic apologies of the mother, and quickly called the police.

It later transpired that Mungo had seen her walking past the house, decided she was a goblin and should therefore be imprisoned, ran out and got her into a headlock, endured an almighty battle, prevailed and dragged the unwilling midget into the bathroom, locking her in.

The midget was naturally terrified, and is trying to sue as well as reporting him to the police.

Mungo's mother is now a trembling wreck who will not leave him unattended. Mungo still seems to have a bit of a thing about short people.
(Mon 5th Oct 2009, 13:47, More)