» Hidden Treasure

Cave Balls
The four of us had nearly finished scrambling through a New Mexico cave when we came across a clear pool blocking our path: we were forced to wade to the exit. We noticed the bottom of the pool was littered with numerous white balls.

The mystery began to gnaw on us: what were these ghostly, golfball-like spheres? We touched one ball, and the white coating suddenly popped and drifted away, leaving a central mudball-like core with what appeared to be little sticks poking out. In the flickering light, we could see there was some kind of strange gas streaming away from the mudball, which just deepened the mystery. We combined our brainpower to decipher the mudball's mystery.

It took a long, long time, passing the mudball back and forth from hand to hand, sniffing the gas, and reaching into the waters to gather other popping mudballs, to finally realize that THIS is what ultimately happens to bats that die and fall into limpid cave waters.
(Mon 4th Jul 2005, 0:40, More)

» Apparently I'm a sex offender

Manly Protection
One evening, my neighbor started screaming. A Peeping Tom was observing her from the bushes in the alley outside her bedroom window. In a panic, she came over to my apartment for manly protection. I locked her in, she called the police, and I went out into the alley to locate and confront the pervert.

So, who was the only one in the alley when the police helicopter and the canine units arrived?
(Fri 18th Aug 2006, 19:37, More)

» Unexpected Nudity

The Babysitter
I was a tender, very immature ten-year-old boy. The babysitter was a large woman in a house-sized summer dress. She was sitting on a sofa with all the little kiddies gathered on the floor in front of her, watching TV. I was right between her legs, and I turned around to ask a question....

No panties.... Completely forgot the question....

I'm scarred to this day....
(Sat 30th May 2009, 1:03, More)

» Expensive Mistakes

Hired Hand
Charming guy - always liked him, even when he slept 24 hours straight on the garage floor, with only my irritable, biting bunny inflicting puncture wounds as a companion.

About the time I hired him, he decided to switch from cocaine to methamphetamine. He would talk to the voices and complain about bullying from schoolchildren that no one else seemed to notice.

He built a fountain in the yard, then worried passersby couldn't see his handiwork. So, he trimmed the yard's hedges from the bottom up, so now I have freaky-looking bare-bottomed hedges that no longer function for privacy's protection.

He chopped down a fruit tree. Just a misunderstanding....

Trying to keep water out of the basement, he drilled holes in the front porch that just accelerated the flow of water into the basement. Can't have water pooling on the porch, can we? Just trying to help!

He found a leaking can of toxic waste and left it in the garage. Last weekend, I smeared some of it in my car by mistake, and broke out with chloroacne on my arms, likely as a result.

Yet he was fun to have around. Things would happen to him that never happened to anyone else. He once ate some fumigant-laced almonds that fell out of a transport truck and spent the night in a hospital getting his stomach pumped. Who eats random nuts off the pavement? Who else?

Expensive mistake, but I'd hire him again, just for the story value....
(Fri 26th Oct 2007, 20:40, More)

» Have you ever paid for sex?

Coming Down
Years ago, there was a dark zone along the Strip in Las Vegas where women would hide behind cars, jump out, and accost passersby. Sounds exciting, but with the heavy pancake makeup and the cigarette breath, it was more like 'Rampage of the Haunted Bordello Bimbos' than anything.

After losing all my money at a blackjack table, I passed back through the zone. A Bimbette came jumping over lawn sprinklers to stroll and chat. "Come on, baby, just $20 for a blow job," she said. I mumbled something about having lost my money, but she would have none of it. She abruptly stepped in front of me, and I smacked into her. She started fondling my crotch (as a passing motorist honked) and said, "come on, baby, just $20!" I grabbed her elbows, shoved her away, and shouted "NO!"

She sighed, and said, "OK - $15."
(Fri 20th Jan 2006, 19:46, More)