» Cringe!

Oh and another one!
I think i was about 16 or 17 at the time, but for medical reasons I had to have an endoscopy operation.

Basically an endoscopy involves some doctor shoving some uncomfortable tubey-camera thing up your ass so they can have a look at your intestines and if needs be snip off little samples of tissues etc.

At the time it wasnt embarassing as I was pissed off my face on whatever drug was given to me. I was concious though so I did know what was going on and I can remember it. Plus my dad was in the room with me aswell.

Basically they blew loads of air into my ass hole to "open it up for camera insertion" or whatever. Lots of air/gas going into ass = Lots of gas innevitably leaving ass.

I managed to hold a fart, apparently for 10 FULL SECONDS!

That in itself could be seen as embarassing, but what i said afterwards still haunts me now. I turned to my dad after said fart, open mouthed in shock at what had just happened, and in one those really fascinated childish voices proclaimed; "Wow that was AMAZINGGGGG!"

When i came round to my senses after the operation, the doctor came in to see me to check all was okay and i'd had my medicine etc. I asked if everything went ok with the operation and if everything looked alright in there. His response?

"I have never in my 8 years of doing endoscopys, had a patient enjoy the experience as much as you did earlier today"

Because normally I love people shoving fucking camcorders up my ass.

Cheers mate.
(Fri 28th Nov 2008, 13:00, More)

» Family codes and rituals

new years
A little ritual that has passed on from my dads side of the family (the irish side)...

Within 5 minutes of the new year rolling round, the youngest and "darkest" of the males in the household has the duty of stepping out the front door of the house with a slice/loaf of bread and a piece of cole. THEN he is supposed to repeatedly bang the bread on the side of the house next to the door... leave the bread outside and take the lump of cole back in and place it on the mantlepiece.

Being the youngest and "darkest" in the household, and the fact i left whatever new years party i was at last year early, it was my job to do this ritual new years 2008.

So if you see anyone banging bread outside there house at about 12.03 new years day, i'm not mental, im just Irish.

Cheers.
(Fri 21st Nov 2008, 17:35, More)

» Top Tips

chocolate hostage
if your like me and your not too keen on sitting on other peoples toilet seats, whether they be scummy public toilets or just not your own, i have developed a habit that i do every time i drop off a chocolate hostage. often in the past i used to resort to the very uncomfortable and unreliable "hover" over the bowl technique, sitting on my hands, laying toilet paper out neatly covering the toilet seat, or just braving the chill factor and just going bare-assed.

i told my mates this and they just laughed but i think its a stroke of genius. simple really... when you pull your trousers down about to take said shit... dont pull your boxers down all the way. you can easily pull your underwear down half way, sit on them and not shit yourself. if you have a penis, like me, you can tuck it under your underwear so it is facing in the bowl. because we all know when you take a shit that little bit of piss comes out too.

it saves time, its comfortable.

im thinking of developing this and going on dragons den with a boxer/toiletseat warmer prototype. although im too scared their just going to poo-poo my idea.
(Wed 29th Oct 2008, 15:42, More)

» Family codes and rituals

Christmas Time
My family started a ritual a while ago at christmas time, where we travelled around the area in the car to look at all the christmas lights and decorations around the town.

One year i was in my pyjamas ready to go to bed and suddenly it was sprung upon me that we were going to look at the christmas lights that night, so me being a lazy fucker got in the car in my pj's, with a pillow and duvet to keep myself warm.

Now the ritual involves a dress code. We all have to wear our pyjamas especially for the occasion.

:)
(Thu 27th Nov 2008, 16:41, More)

» Things we do to fit in

I pretend
to be drunk when going out clubbing etc.
Truth is really that if I drink too much I usually just feel like shit, so have a few drinks so im merry, and just generally act like a knob to make out like im pissed.

The day after the night before last week, I had multiple people coming up to me saying how off my face I was and how much of a prat I was being. In reality, I knew exactly what I was doing, I was just trying to fit in!

p.s. There are occasions when I do get blind drunk, I just have to be in the mood and it isnt really very often.
(Thu 22nd Jan 2009, 10:51, More)