Profile for jokaah:
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- a member for 19 years, 2 months and 2 days
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- has posted 8 stories and 0 replies on question of the week
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» Heckles
George Foreman
Last year I was at an open mike night at the comedy store in Manchester. Comics would come and go, and the crowd were merciless. If they made it to 3 minutes, it was a success so anyone who showed the slightest weakness was booed offstage. It was brutal.
One fella got up and after a couple of terrible gags began a joke about George Foreman. It was rambling and dull so I piped up, "Is the punchline I liked it so much, I put my name on it?"*
It raised a laugh.
The guy paused and shot me a look of total contempt before changing the subject and subsequently getting booed off.
My friends shouted at me for being beastly.
I still feel bad about it.
*Thanks Josie Long.
(Thu 6th Apr 2006, 18:06, More)
George Foreman
Last year I was at an open mike night at the comedy store in Manchester. Comics would come and go, and the crowd were merciless. If they made it to 3 minutes, it was a success so anyone who showed the slightest weakness was booed offstage. It was brutal.
One fella got up and after a couple of terrible gags began a joke about George Foreman. It was rambling and dull so I piped up, "Is the punchline I liked it so much, I put my name on it?"*
It raised a laugh.
The guy paused and shot me a look of total contempt before changing the subject and subsequently getting booed off.
My friends shouted at me for being beastly.
I still feel bad about it.
*Thanks Josie Long.
(Thu 6th Apr 2006, 18:06, More)
» Crappy Prizes
Last day of work...
...in the pharmaceutical industry where they take on and let go graduates with regularity. Our 1 year contract was up so we all went down to the Hare in Harlow and sank some pints and talked about our future endeavours.
We were having a jolly time when the landlady strolled over and asked if we wanted to take part in the raffle - at 20p a pop, we all chipped in. The prize could have been 'anything'.
The bastard Steve only went and won. See how pleased he is with a selection of meats!
(Thu 4th Aug 2005, 23:07, More)
Last day of work...
...in the pharmaceutical industry where they take on and let go graduates with regularity. Our 1 year contract was up so we all went down to the Hare in Harlow and sank some pints and talked about our future endeavours.
We were having a jolly time when the landlady strolled over and asked if we wanted to take part in the raffle - at 20p a pop, we all chipped in. The prize could have been 'anything'.
The bastard Steve only went and won. See how pleased he is with a selection of meats!
(Thu 4th Aug 2005, 23:07, More)
» Stupid Tourists
In America and I was the tourist
I was in a backwater bar one afternoon in New Hampshire with a Dutch friend Yeori.
A nasty middle aged woman heard us speaking and asked, "Hey, are you guys Irish?"
To which I replied, "I'm English and he's Dutch."
Later we heard her say to someone, "Did you see those two Irish guys? He's English and he's Dutch."
Think about it. A hint if you're slow - What was Arnie's character called in Predator?
Apols for being off topic.
(Sat 9th Jul 2005, 9:53, More)
In America and I was the tourist
I was in a backwater bar one afternoon in New Hampshire with a Dutch friend Yeori.
A nasty middle aged woman heard us speaking and asked, "Hey, are you guys Irish?"
To which I replied, "I'm English and he's Dutch."
Later we heard her say to someone, "Did you see those two Irish guys? He's English and he's Dutch."
Think about it. A hint if you're slow - What was Arnie's character called in Predator?
Apols for being off topic.
(Sat 9th Jul 2005, 9:53, More)
» Injured Siblings
I was the victim.
I was but 7 years old, my brother 10. We were at the crazy golf course and bro was swinging his putter around as though on a driving range. I was stood right behind him and was smacked in the centre of my forehead. The wound gushed. I have bad memories of Dad taking me to hospital with blood in my eyes. I was fixed up with those adhesive strip things that aren't as good as stitches.
I was told that they would come off naturally after 14 days or so, but bro stood me in front of the mirror and started picking at them after a few days "to see what was underneath". I remember crying and crying in agony and him just teling me to shut up. Cocking bastard.
The worst thing I did to him was when I punched him hard in the face at the age of 18 after he'd been acting like a git. He went quiet for a few days and then had an uncontrollable fit of temper which ended when he kicked a hole in a door. It was ace! He realised he couldn't bully me any more so took it out on my parents' home. They weren't pleased.
Apols for being inane. My brain hurts after scrutinizing NOESY spectra of quinine to find positive NOEs induced by slow tumbling in a viscous solvent.
Up the gays! 8==o - - -
(Fri 19th Aug 2005, 16:18, More)
I was the victim.
I was but 7 years old, my brother 10. We were at the crazy golf course and bro was swinging his putter around as though on a driving range. I was stood right behind him and was smacked in the centre of my forehead. The wound gushed. I have bad memories of Dad taking me to hospital with blood in my eyes. I was fixed up with those adhesive strip things that aren't as good as stitches.
I was told that they would come off naturally after 14 days or so, but bro stood me in front of the mirror and started picking at them after a few days "to see what was underneath". I remember crying and crying in agony and him just teling me to shut up. Cocking bastard.
The worst thing I did to him was when I punched him hard in the face at the age of 18 after he'd been acting like a git. He went quiet for a few days and then had an uncontrollable fit of temper which ended when he kicked a hole in a door. It was ace! He realised he couldn't bully me any more so took it out on my parents' home. They weren't pleased.
Apols for being inane. My brain hurts after scrutinizing NOESY spectra of quinine to find positive NOEs induced by slow tumbling in a viscous solvent.
Up the gays! 8==o - - -
(Fri 19th Aug 2005, 16:18, More)
» When I met the parents
Odd dad, and ugly mother I knew she was gonna turn out like.
When in my first year at uni I got involved with a girl and met her parents just before Christmas in a Wetherspoons for lunch.
Her father had only one arm due to a horrendous building site cement mixer accident decades previously. Of course, on meeting him, I extend my hand to shake his right (prosthetic) hand, only to stumble, fumble and then clutch at his left (normal) hand while grinning and tripping over my words like an arse.
Hilariously he quipped, "There's no arm in it" followed by hideous wheezing laughter and every other crap amputee related joke he could think of to put me at ease, I'm guessing.
He was very nervous himself and so was trying extra hard to be friendly and personable. His enormous face was uncomfortably close to mine.
Gf's Mum was a ruddy fat bitch with witch's hair. She just rolled her eyes for the duration of the encounter. And ate.
They scared the shit out of me. gf was plain embarrassed by these awkward flids she called Mammy and Daddy. She was the first of her kin to go to Uni, see, and wanted to impress the middle class me. She insisted we leave after we'd eaten, to assuage her (our?) anxiety.
I didn't get any pudding. I wasn't that desperate to leave. And they were buying.
(Thu 19th May 2005, 16:36, More)
Odd dad, and ugly mother I knew she was gonna turn out like.
When in my first year at uni I got involved with a girl and met her parents just before Christmas in a Wetherspoons for lunch.
Her father had only one arm due to a horrendous building site cement mixer accident decades previously. Of course, on meeting him, I extend my hand to shake his right (prosthetic) hand, only to stumble, fumble and then clutch at his left (normal) hand while grinning and tripping over my words like an arse.
Hilariously he quipped, "There's no arm in it" followed by hideous wheezing laughter and every other crap amputee related joke he could think of to put me at ease, I'm guessing.
He was very nervous himself and so was trying extra hard to be friendly and personable. His enormous face was uncomfortably close to mine.
Gf's Mum was a ruddy fat bitch with witch's hair. She just rolled her eyes for the duration of the encounter. And ate.
They scared the shit out of me. gf was plain embarrassed by these awkward flids she called Mammy and Daddy. She was the first of her kin to go to Uni, see, and wanted to impress the middle class me. She insisted we leave after we'd eaten, to assuage her (our?) anxiety.
I didn't get any pudding. I wasn't that desperate to leave. And they were buying.
(Thu 19th May 2005, 16:36, More)