Gulp!
When the Giant-Mecha-Papier-Mache-Penguin attacked, even the fearsome KittenCopter was no match


(Wed 13th Feb 2002, 10:38, More)

» Strange things you've been paid to do

You ain't seen me, right
When I was a nipper, I was on me skateboard flinging recklessly around my estate when my mate's neighbour's car sort of got in the way. I was flung up. over the bonnet and onto the road on the other side. He was so guilty, and worried that we'd shop him that he gave us £20 to keep us quiet. Bearing in mind I was 7 and this is in 1981, this was a splendid amount of cash.

I spent it in caps for my toy gun. About 5000 of them. In one go. Best week ever. Fact
(Fri 1st Oct 2004, 15:41, More)

» Things you've done when you've had no money.

Smoking bangers
Having no money for fags, and already having gone through the existing butts to fashion a cigarette, a mate and I decided that perhaps herbs would be a suitable alternative to tobacco.

One rolled up "herbs de provence" fag later we gave it a go. I swear it's like smoking sausages, right up until you're violently sick.
(Mon 11th Oct 2004, 9:33, More)

» Have you ever started a fire?

Not a disaster. More of a tip
The garden of a rented house I used to live in had a staggering amount of huge yellow dandelions growing in it. One warm summer evening I discovered that when the flowers close for the night, the petals act as a sort of sponge which soak up lighter fluid very effectively.

Simply fill the closed flower with lighter fluid, apply a flame, repeat a hundred times and hey presto, you will have a field of swaying lights for the next 20 minutes or so.

Next put on some appropriate music, open a beer, light up and enjoy

alternatively, you can pretend you are a rock star playing your number 1 ballad to an appreciative stadium. But that might be sad.
(Wed 3rd Mar 2004, 11:34, More)

» Evidence that you're getting old

Pretend joint pain?
I'm sure I did it as a joke at first, but I now can't sit down or get up without accompanying it with a noise. You know the ones, a small groan when you get up and a satisfied aaah as you sit down.

I am 30.

There's only one more phase to go. When I start hitching up the knees of my trousers before sitting, I'll know the end is near...
(Mon 1st Nov 2004, 12:25, More)

» Best Comebacks

The highest form of wit.
If, after you've made a gloriously sarcastic comment someone pipes up with "You know sarcasm is the lowest form of wit", simply turn to them and say in your most sarcastic voice, "Reeaally?"

It's un-come-back-able from
(Thu 29th Apr 2004, 14:57, More)