Profile for Four String Demon:
It's probably better to get to know me over a drink in the local.... mines a guinness....
Which Nigerian spammer are You?
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It's probably better to get to know me over a drink in the local.... mines a guinness....
Which Nigerian spammer are You?
Recent front page messages:
none
Best answers to questions:
» Heckles
Micheal douglas' brother
you know the one that overdosed or something like that.
wanted to be a stand up comic but was absolutely shite, was dying on his arse one time at the jongleurs when some bloke told him to fuck off.
"dont you know who i am??? im kirk douglas' son!?"
to which one bloke stood up and shouted "no IM kirk douglas' son!"
and one by one everyone got up and shouted "NO IM kirk douglas' son!"
he left soon after in tears!
honerable mention some shite yank comic in reading fest last year who was so shite that he refused to leave the stage till he got a laugh, he counted down the time in his set FFS!
(Thu 6th Apr 2006, 23:07, More)
Micheal douglas' brother
you know the one that overdosed or something like that.
wanted to be a stand up comic but was absolutely shite, was dying on his arse one time at the jongleurs when some bloke told him to fuck off.
"dont you know who i am??? im kirk douglas' son!?"
to which one bloke stood up and shouted "no IM kirk douglas' son!"
and one by one everyone got up and shouted "NO IM kirk douglas' son!"
he left soon after in tears!
honerable mention some shite yank comic in reading fest last year who was so shite that he refused to leave the stage till he got a laugh, he counted down the time in his set FFS!
(Thu 6th Apr 2006, 23:07, More)
» Misunderstood
ahem...
I went into a Hardware store the other day to get some nails and saw two men a Mr Barker and a Mr Corbett having this repartee and it went something like this....
BARKER: Four Candles!
CORBETT: Four Candles?
BARKER: Four Candles.
(Ronnie Corbett makes for a box, and gets out four candles. He places them on the counter)
BARKER: No, four candles!
CORBETT (confused): Well there you are, four candles!
BARKER: No, fork 'andles! 'Andles for forks!
(Ronnie Corbett puts the candles away, and goes to get a fork handle. He places it onto the counter)CORBETT (muttering): Fork handles. Thought you said 'four candles!' (more clearly) Next?
BARKER: Got any plugs?
CORBETT: Plugs. What kind of plugs?
BARKER: A rubber one, bathroom.
(Ronnie Corbett gets out a box of bath plugs, and places it on the counter)
CORBETT (pulling out two different sized plugs): What size?
BARKER: Thirteen amp!
CORBETT (muttering): It's electric bathroom plugs, we call them, in the trade. Electric bathroom plugs!
(He puts the box away, gets out another box, and places on the counter an electric plug, then puts the box away)
BARKER: Saw tips!
CORBETT: Saw tips? (he doesn't know what he means) What d'you want? Ointment, or something like that?
BARKER: No, saw tips for covering saws.
CORBETT: Oh, haven't got any, haven't got any. (he mutters) Comin' in, but we haven' got any. Next?
BARKER: 'O's!
CORBETT: 'O's?
BARKER: 'O's.
(He goes to get a hoe, and places it on the counter)
BARKER: No, 'O's!
CORBETT: 'O's! I thought you said 'O! (he takes the hose back, and gets a hose, whilst muttering) When you said 'O's, I thought you said 'O! 'O's!
(He places the hose onto the counter)
BARKER: No, 'O's!
CORBETT (confused for a moment): O's? Oh, you mean panty 'o's, panty 'o's! (he picks up a pair of tights from beside him)
BARKER: No, no, 'O's! 'O's for the gate. Mon repose! 'O's! Letter O's!
CORBETT (finally realising): Letter O's! (muttering) You had me going there!
(He climbs up a stepladder, gets a box down, puts the ladder away, and takes the box to the counter, and searches through it for letter O's)
CORBETT: How many d'you want?
BARKER: Two.
(Ronnie Corbett leaves two letter O's on the counter, then takes the box back, gets the ladder out again, puts the box away, climbs down the ladder, and puts the ladder away, then returns to the counter)
CORBETT: Yes, next?
BARKER: Got any P's?
CORBETT (fed up): For Gawd' sake, why didn' you bleedin' tell me that while I was up there then? I'm up and down the shop already, it's up and down the bleedin' shop all the time. (He gets the ladder out, climbs up and gets the box of letters down, then puts the ladder away) Honestly, I've got all this shop, I ain't got any help, it's worth it we plan things. (He puts the box on the counter, and gets out some letter P's) How many d'you want?
BARKER: No! Tins of peas. Three tins of peas!
CORBETT: You're 'avin' me on, ain't ya, yer 'avin' me on?
BARKER: I'm not!
(Ronnie Corbett dumps the box under the counter, and gets three tins of peas)
CORBETT (placing the tins on the counter): Next?
BARKER: Got any pumps?
CORBETT (getting really fed up): 'And pumps, foot pumps? Come on!
BARKER (surprised he has to ask): Foot pumps!
CORBETT (muttering, as he goes down the shop): Foot pumps. See a foot pump? (He sees one, and picks it up) Tidy up in 'ere.
(He puts the pump down on the counter)
BARKER: No, pumps fer ya feet! Brown pump, size nine!
CORBETT (almost at breaking point): You are 'avin' me on, you are definitely 'avin' me on!
BARKER (not taking much notice of Corbett's mood): I'm not!
CORBETT: You are 'avin' me on! (He takes back the pump, and gets a pair of brown foot pumps out of a drawer, and places them on the counter) Next?
BARKER: Washers!
CORBETT (really close to breaking point): What, dishwashers, floor washers, car washers, windscreen washers, back scrubbers, lavatory cleaners? Floor washers?
BARKER: 'Alf inch washers!
CORBETT: Oh, tap washers, tap washers? (He finally breaks, and makes to confiscate his list) Look, I've had just about enough of this, give us that list. (He mutters) I'll get it all myself! (Reading through the list) What's this? What's that? Oh that does it! That just about does it! I have just about had it! (calling through to the back) Mr. Jones! You come out and serve this customer please, I have just about had enough of 'im. (Mr. Jones comes out, and Ronnie Corbett shows him the list) Look what 'e's got on there! Look what 'e's got on there!
JONES (who goes to a drawer with a towel hanging out of it, and opens it): Right! How many would ya like? One or two?
(He removes the towel to reveal the label on the drawer - 'Bill hooks'!)
GOODBYE TO ONE OF THE BEST MEN IN COMEDY
no need to apologise for length im sure you all feel the same so its worth it.
Richard x
(Mon 10th Oct 2005, 18:58, More)
ahem...
I went into a Hardware store the other day to get some nails and saw two men a Mr Barker and a Mr Corbett having this repartee and it went something like this....
BARKER: Four Candles!
CORBETT: Four Candles?
BARKER: Four Candles.
(Ronnie Corbett makes for a box, and gets out four candles. He places them on the counter)
BARKER: No, four candles!
CORBETT (confused): Well there you are, four candles!
BARKER: No, fork 'andles! 'Andles for forks!
(Ronnie Corbett puts the candles away, and goes to get a fork handle. He places it onto the counter)CORBETT (muttering): Fork handles. Thought you said 'four candles!' (more clearly) Next?
BARKER: Got any plugs?
CORBETT: Plugs. What kind of plugs?
BARKER: A rubber one, bathroom.
(Ronnie Corbett gets out a box of bath plugs, and places it on the counter)
CORBETT (pulling out two different sized plugs): What size?
BARKER: Thirteen amp!
CORBETT (muttering): It's electric bathroom plugs, we call them, in the trade. Electric bathroom plugs!
(He puts the box away, gets out another box, and places on the counter an electric plug, then puts the box away)
BARKER: Saw tips!
CORBETT: Saw tips? (he doesn't know what he means) What d'you want? Ointment, or something like that?
BARKER: No, saw tips for covering saws.
CORBETT: Oh, haven't got any, haven't got any. (he mutters) Comin' in, but we haven' got any. Next?
BARKER: 'O's!
CORBETT: 'O's?
BARKER: 'O's.
(He goes to get a hoe, and places it on the counter)
BARKER: No, 'O's!
CORBETT: 'O's! I thought you said 'O! (he takes the hose back, and gets a hose, whilst muttering) When you said 'O's, I thought you said 'O! 'O's!
(He places the hose onto the counter)
BARKER: No, 'O's!
CORBETT (confused for a moment): O's? Oh, you mean panty 'o's, panty 'o's! (he picks up a pair of tights from beside him)
BARKER: No, no, 'O's! 'O's for the gate. Mon repose! 'O's! Letter O's!
CORBETT (finally realising): Letter O's! (muttering) You had me going there!
(He climbs up a stepladder, gets a box down, puts the ladder away, and takes the box to the counter, and searches through it for letter O's)
CORBETT: How many d'you want?
BARKER: Two.
(Ronnie Corbett leaves two letter O's on the counter, then takes the box back, gets the ladder out again, puts the box away, climbs down the ladder, and puts the ladder away, then returns to the counter)
CORBETT: Yes, next?
BARKER: Got any P's?
CORBETT (fed up): For Gawd' sake, why didn' you bleedin' tell me that while I was up there then? I'm up and down the shop already, it's up and down the bleedin' shop all the time. (He gets the ladder out, climbs up and gets the box of letters down, then puts the ladder away) Honestly, I've got all this shop, I ain't got any help, it's worth it we plan things. (He puts the box on the counter, and gets out some letter P's) How many d'you want?
BARKER: No! Tins of peas. Three tins of peas!
CORBETT: You're 'avin' me on, ain't ya, yer 'avin' me on?
BARKER: I'm not!
(Ronnie Corbett dumps the box under the counter, and gets three tins of peas)
CORBETT (placing the tins on the counter): Next?
BARKER: Got any pumps?
CORBETT (getting really fed up): 'And pumps, foot pumps? Come on!
BARKER (surprised he has to ask): Foot pumps!
CORBETT (muttering, as he goes down the shop): Foot pumps. See a foot pump? (He sees one, and picks it up) Tidy up in 'ere.
(He puts the pump down on the counter)
BARKER: No, pumps fer ya feet! Brown pump, size nine!
CORBETT (almost at breaking point): You are 'avin' me on, you are definitely 'avin' me on!
BARKER (not taking much notice of Corbett's mood): I'm not!
CORBETT: You are 'avin' me on! (He takes back the pump, and gets a pair of brown foot pumps out of a drawer, and places them on the counter) Next?
BARKER: Washers!
CORBETT (really close to breaking point): What, dishwashers, floor washers, car washers, windscreen washers, back scrubbers, lavatory cleaners? Floor washers?
BARKER: 'Alf inch washers!
CORBETT: Oh, tap washers, tap washers? (He finally breaks, and makes to confiscate his list) Look, I've had just about enough of this, give us that list. (He mutters) I'll get it all myself! (Reading through the list) What's this? What's that? Oh that does it! That just about does it! I have just about had it! (calling through to the back) Mr. Jones! You come out and serve this customer please, I have just about had enough of 'im. (Mr. Jones comes out, and Ronnie Corbett shows him the list) Look what 'e's got on there! Look what 'e's got on there!
JONES (who goes to a drawer with a towel hanging out of it, and opens it): Right! How many would ya like? One or two?
(He removes the towel to reveal the label on the drawer - 'Bill hooks'!)
GOODBYE TO ONE OF THE BEST MEN IN COMEDY
no need to apologise for length im sure you all feel the same so its worth it.
Richard x
(Mon 10th Oct 2005, 18:58, More)
» Fancy Dress
I love fancy dress
Turned up naked with my knob in a wine bottle
My costume? a fire alarm.
If theres a fire, break glass and pull. I will come as quickly as i can!
sorry...
(Fri 13th Jan 2006, 11:03, More)
I love fancy dress
Turned up naked with my knob in a wine bottle
My costume? a fire alarm.
If theres a fire, break glass and pull. I will come as quickly as i can!
sorry...
(Fri 13th Jan 2006, 11:03, More)
» The Police
they can be quite classy....
My dad runs a bike shop franchise, anagram of WBM, and as such gets invited on rideouts and testing weekends to try out new models, being the bike mad boy that i am i get to come with him....
now being as that my dad and his mates are all ex racers they are quite good on bikes so cue 5 blokes on the new tourer model up on back wheels trying to out due each other when blue lights flash up behind us, its a bike copper.... shit! so we start to slow down when out of nowhere he passes us and pulls a near vertical wheelie doing about 80!
the worst bit was he flagged us down about 1/4 mile up the road to ask us what we thought....
sheer class
: /
(Fri 23rd Sep 2005, 17:28, More)
they can be quite classy....
My dad runs a bike shop franchise, anagram of WBM, and as such gets invited on rideouts and testing weekends to try out new models, being the bike mad boy that i am i get to come with him....
now being as that my dad and his mates are all ex racers they are quite good on bikes so cue 5 blokes on the new tourer model up on back wheels trying to out due each other when blue lights flash up behind us, its a bike copper.... shit! so we start to slow down when out of nowhere he passes us and pulls a near vertical wheelie doing about 80!
the worst bit was he flagged us down about 1/4 mile up the road to ask us what we thought....
sheer class
: /
(Fri 23rd Sep 2005, 17:28, More)
» Your Weirdest Teacher
my RE teacher
I once had a religious education substitute teacher who once appeared in mayfair under the name "crystal".
We found out..... :)
we bought in said issue.... :)
she left....... :D
nuff said
x
(Wed 16th Nov 2005, 12:42, More)
my RE teacher
I once had a religious education substitute teacher who once appeared in mayfair under the name "crystal".
We found out..... :)
we bought in said issue.... :)
she left....... :D
nuff said
x
(Wed 16th Nov 2005, 12:42, More)