Compos are great for pearoasts

(Thu 17th Jul 2008, 0:47, More)

It was Marty's greatest role...

(Thu 11th Oct 2007, 2:32, More)

very late for compo but what the hell....

(Mon 3rd Apr 2006, 23:51, More)

» Birthdays

19th birthday
Had my 19th birthday while I was at Keele University and, by a happy coincidence, the same day there was a bash on at the student union - I don't recall what the bash was for, but some people were in fancy dress.

Anyway, I got extremely drunk and was dancing with this gorgeous blonde who was wearing nothing but a black bin liner (no idea why), and she had nothing on underneath... we were dancing very close! Cue a fun size mars bar in the front of my pants.

Anyway, to cut a long story short, I woke up the next day back in my room at the halls of residence, with the hangover of the century and very little memory of the night before. I did remember the cute blonde though.

I got out of bed... and there, on the floor, was a torn and crumpled black bin liner, with holes for head & arms to go through.

No sign of any naked females. None of my clothes were missing. My solitary condom was still in my wallet. Puzzlement ensued. How could she have got back to where she lived? She must have been stark naked...

For the next few days, I spent ages trying to find out who the cute blonde was, for all I knew she was now up the duff from a fuck I didn't even remember.

Had no luck finding out who she was, or where she lived.

A few days later, one of my mates confessed... That night they had dragged me back, alone, to my room in a paralytic state, and dumped me on the bed. Then, in their evil drunken state, they came up with a great idea for a jape.. namely, to get a black bin liner and a pair of scissors...

Bastards.
(Fri 9th Dec 2005, 12:17, More)

» Birthdays

Best birthday ever...
As a young lad my birthdays were normally fairly standard stuff. But on my 14th birthday, not only did I get a whole load of great pressies (a Walkman, a BMX, and four "Game & Watch" games) but I also lost my virginity... in the broom cupboard after class with my blonde 27-year-old English teacher!

My arse did hurt for weeks afterwards though...
(Fri 9th Dec 2005, 11:42, More)

» Accidental innuendo

German class
At school I was well known for messing about with toys in class (Nintendo Game & Watch, paper aeroplanes, you name it). German class was the worst - as I was living in Germany at the time, I got bored easily, as I already knew much of what was being taught.

There were only three pupils in the German class (that's public school for you) and one day I was, as usual, messing about with a new toy - this time a variation of the Rubik's cube.

The German master, who was a bit camp to say the least (he shared a flat with the Geography teacher - I'm still not sure to this day if he was gay or not) became very frustrated by the fact that I wasn't paying much attention to him.

Eventually he stormed over to my desk, snatched the toy from me and uttered the immortal line :

"Honestly! If we stripped you naked and stood you on the desk, you'd still find something to play with!"

It took a moment for him to realise exactly what he'd said... I've never seen anyone turn such a lovely shade of crimson as we pissed ourselves laughing...
(Fri 13th Jun 2008, 8:03, More)

» Accidental innuendo

If it's an innuendo that you want...
... I'll give you one.
(Fri 13th Jun 2008, 8:12, More)

» Childhood Ambitions

impressive ambition, boring career...
I wanted to be a nuclear physicist. Just because it sounded kinda cool. No other reason, - I didn't even really know what they did. So in 1986 I went to Keele and studied for a degree in Physics and Electronics.

21 years on... and you'd think perhaps I'd be a nuclear physics expert, advising the government on the Iranian nuclear enrichment process and giving interviews to the BBC as an expert on weapons grade plutonium.

Nope. I'm an accountant. Possibly the least exciting job in the world.

Kill me. Kill me now...
(Tue 3rd Apr 2007, 14:32, More)