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» DIY disasters
Disaster for my parents
When I was young, I, like most people, learned to associate certain senses with certain actions. Touching a hot object = recoil hand very quickly. "Just wait until your father gets home" = hide under bed, and so on. Around this time we had our boiler replaced.
My parents discovered the ramifications of the aforementioned process when, in a Chinese restaurant, some bloke in the kitchen started hammering away at something. Every time a certain 3 year old heard *BANG* it was quickly followed by "FUCK! FUCK!"
(Fri 4th Apr 2008, 15:01, More)
Disaster for my parents
When I was young, I, like most people, learned to associate certain senses with certain actions. Touching a hot object = recoil hand very quickly. "Just wait until your father gets home" = hide under bed, and so on. Around this time we had our boiler replaced.
My parents discovered the ramifications of the aforementioned process when, in a Chinese restaurant, some bloke in the kitchen started hammering away at something. Every time a certain 3 year old heard *BANG* it was quickly followed by "FUCK! FUCK!"
(Fri 4th Apr 2008, 15:01, More)
» Mix Tapes
A modern day mix tape!
I didn't really understand the concept as a 16 year old, so I burnt a DVD with a load of MP3s on it so I could introduce my girlfriend to different music. Hardly a heart-felt collection, but she did quite like the entire Rammstein discography so that was alright.
Fast forward some indeterminable amount of time. It's late at night, we've returned from a party somewhere and it's about time for teenage, drunken, inept fumblings. (If you're reading this, I'm really sorry. Although that's probably going to make it worse, isn't it?) What would probably be atmospheric at this point would be some music! Stumble over to her PC, put iTunes on, hit shuffle, done.
Top tip: If neither of you can understand German, Rammstein is really good music to listen to. It's powerful, has a good solid rhythm and energetic. The effect is spoiled once both of you know you're dry-humping each other to a song about a guy eating his own penis shortly before his death.
Instead of Mien Teil we get Seeman, which is relatively lovely! Things are heating up, I'm really impressed by my one handed bra removal technique, she draws me in closer and the music is building up such a sense of tension. And there's a funky brass intro. "EVERYBODY! (doo doo) EVERYBODY!" The anticlimax sent me into a fit of giggles and the Blues Brothers firmly ensured that nothing was going to happen that night.
Her dad had probably bribed the shuffle algorithm.
(Thu 7th Feb 2008, 14:41, More)
A modern day mix tape!
I didn't really understand the concept as a 16 year old, so I burnt a DVD with a load of MP3s on it so I could introduce my girlfriend to different music. Hardly a heart-felt collection, but she did quite like the entire Rammstein discography so that was alright.
Fast forward some indeterminable amount of time. It's late at night, we've returned from a party somewhere and it's about time for teenage, drunken, inept fumblings. (If you're reading this, I'm really sorry. Although that's probably going to make it worse, isn't it?) What would probably be atmospheric at this point would be some music! Stumble over to her PC, put iTunes on, hit shuffle, done.
Top tip: If neither of you can understand German, Rammstein is really good music to listen to. It's powerful, has a good solid rhythm and energetic. The effect is spoiled once both of you know you're dry-humping each other to a song about a guy eating his own penis shortly before his death.
Instead of Mien Teil we get Seeman, which is relatively lovely! Things are heating up, I'm really impressed by my one handed bra removal technique, she draws me in closer and the music is building up such a sense of tension. And there's a funky brass intro. "EVERYBODY! (doo doo) EVERYBODY!" The anticlimax sent me into a fit of giggles and the Blues Brothers firmly ensured that nothing was going to happen that night.
Her dad had probably bribed the shuffle algorithm.
(Thu 7th Feb 2008, 14:41, More)
» School Trips
To China! With a load of 12 year old boys...
So yes, we all went to China on a cultural exchange and to learn the lingo (yes/no/how much is that?/how much is that in dollars?)
Suffice to say, over a fortnight everybody had terrible food poisoning, apart from me and me steel stomach, I only shit all the way up the walls once and no vomiting. How proud my parents must be.
There was the time where we were walking along the Great Wall and found a part that we couldn't get to as it had been blocked off by a huge concrete slab. This doesn't stop 6 12 year olds and one father from climbing around this minor obstruction, across a 2" ledge 30' from the slightly scary looking rocks below. And again when we found out that it wasn't really that interesting the other side.
There was the time that James' seatbelt failed on the rickety whirly fairground machine of death and I had to hold him in place.
There were the countless times where we couldn't translate the menu, but were very hungry indeed so didn't really care.
This culminated in our return 2 weeks later, at which point James' dad got down on his knees and almost proposed to the tarmac at Heathrow.
So there we are, going through the terminals, and my bag falls apart. I stop for a second to zip it back up, look up and everyone has vanished. Apparently when the teacher asked about me someone said "Oh, his dad came to pick him up, I remember it clearly." Bah!
Well, I make my way over to the police station, phone my dad who has to come over to pick me up. For 3 hours I was sitting in Customs/Police with a bag almost falling open containing dozens of bootleg DVDs, slightly dodgy Chinese currency, a friend's deer penis and god knows what I've blanked out from my mind.
Mind you, the food was actually quite good, even if we did later discover it was some sort of larvae.
(Thu 7th Dec 2006, 18:38, More)
To China! With a load of 12 year old boys...
So yes, we all went to China on a cultural exchange and to learn the lingo (yes/no/how much is that?/how much is that in dollars?)
Suffice to say, over a fortnight everybody had terrible food poisoning, apart from me and me steel stomach, I only shit all the way up the walls once and no vomiting. How proud my parents must be.
There was the time where we were walking along the Great Wall and found a part that we couldn't get to as it had been blocked off by a huge concrete slab. This doesn't stop 6 12 year olds and one father from climbing around this minor obstruction, across a 2" ledge 30' from the slightly scary looking rocks below. And again when we found out that it wasn't really that interesting the other side.
There was the time that James' seatbelt failed on the rickety whirly fairground machine of death and I had to hold him in place.
There were the countless times where we couldn't translate the menu, but were very hungry indeed so didn't really care.
This culminated in our return 2 weeks later, at which point James' dad got down on his knees and almost proposed to the tarmac at Heathrow.
So there we are, going through the terminals, and my bag falls apart. I stop for a second to zip it back up, look up and everyone has vanished. Apparently when the teacher asked about me someone said "Oh, his dad came to pick him up, I remember it clearly." Bah!
Well, I make my way over to the police station, phone my dad who has to come over to pick me up. For 3 hours I was sitting in Customs/Police with a bag almost falling open containing dozens of bootleg DVDs, slightly dodgy Chinese currency, a friend's deer penis and god knows what I've blanked out from my mind.
Mind you, the food was actually quite good, even if we did later discover it was some sort of larvae.
(Thu 7th Dec 2006, 18:38, More)
» Shame
Cadets
I'm in the cadet force. Yes, yes, mock as you will, I don't think I'm a real soldier though.
I'm fairly senior and last year I was with 3 other senior cadets training about 20 RAF cadets. The Army and Navy sections from the same school were on the camp as well.
13 year old cadets actually tend to cock up the simplest of tasks. They march with their left arm going up as their left leg goes up (stand up and try to do it, it's really hard to do without concentrating). Most embarrasing of all, they turn left after being told to turn right.
This is the story of a small, fragile 13 year old. Standard humourous punishment for this is an audience of whoever was around at the time, the culprit standing up, raising their left leg and, Full Metal Jacket style, with prompts from the NCO, recite "This is my left leg. I love my left leg. There are many others like it, but this one is mine. I must learn to master my left leg." Rinse and repeat for right leg. Cadets rarely make this mistake more than twice, it's almost as effective as having them polish a big L into their left boot and an R into their right boot.
Well, a Navy cadet turned the wrong way. He was called up in front of the 15 or so strong Navy section and instructed to start. He delayed, waiting for the RAF section to turn up to show off in front of his mates. So now it's 35. The Army are right behind the RAF, now it's about 85. Then all the other NCOs and officers stroll up. We're at about 110. Kid is starting to get a little nervous.
Kudos to him, he gets up in front of 110 people, lifts his left leg, and starts reciting it. He knew it all already, but it's hardly complicated. He then lifts his right leg. For some reason I can never tell he lifted his left leg and did it again. It just so happened that I was stood right next to him at the time. As he lifted his right leg and shouted "THIS IS MY RIGHT LEG." I said "left". I am god, so he obeyed me. "I LOVE MY LEFT LEG". 110 callous people start laughing. Hard.
Cadet starts wobbling back and forth and runs off into the night to have a good cry.
Whoops.
Didn't feel any shame though at the time, although my girlfriend called me evil when she heard, the army NCOs laughed with me and the Navy NCOs who knew the kid told me that he was too nice to make cry.
Fast forward about a year. Cadet is still in the Navy section. I'm watching them drill, helping them out when he walks up to me and says "I hate you." I work out who he is, apologise (it was a little mean I suppose) and walk off. Suddenly I experience some form of delayed shame.
Oh I'm evil.
Almost forgot the customary penis joke. Would be out of place to apologise though, I don't even give the cadets any warning.
(Wed 30th Nov 2005, 23:47, More)
Cadets
I'm in the cadet force. Yes, yes, mock as you will, I don't think I'm a real soldier though.
I'm fairly senior and last year I was with 3 other senior cadets training about 20 RAF cadets. The Army and Navy sections from the same school were on the camp as well.
13 year old cadets actually tend to cock up the simplest of tasks. They march with their left arm going up as their left leg goes up (stand up and try to do it, it's really hard to do without concentrating). Most embarrasing of all, they turn left after being told to turn right.
This is the story of a small, fragile 13 year old. Standard humourous punishment for this is an audience of whoever was around at the time, the culprit standing up, raising their left leg and, Full Metal Jacket style, with prompts from the NCO, recite "This is my left leg. I love my left leg. There are many others like it, but this one is mine. I must learn to master my left leg." Rinse and repeat for right leg. Cadets rarely make this mistake more than twice, it's almost as effective as having them polish a big L into their left boot and an R into their right boot.
Well, a Navy cadet turned the wrong way. He was called up in front of the 15 or so strong Navy section and instructed to start. He delayed, waiting for the RAF section to turn up to show off in front of his mates. So now it's 35. The Army are right behind the RAF, now it's about 85. Then all the other NCOs and officers stroll up. We're at about 110. Kid is starting to get a little nervous.
Kudos to him, he gets up in front of 110 people, lifts his left leg, and starts reciting it. He knew it all already, but it's hardly complicated. He then lifts his right leg. For some reason I can never tell he lifted his left leg and did it again. It just so happened that I was stood right next to him at the time. As he lifted his right leg and shouted "THIS IS MY RIGHT LEG." I said "left". I am god, so he obeyed me. "I LOVE MY LEFT LEG". 110 callous people start laughing. Hard.
Cadet starts wobbling back and forth and runs off into the night to have a good cry.
Whoops.
Didn't feel any shame though at the time, although my girlfriend called me evil when she heard, the army NCOs laughed with me and the Navy NCOs who knew the kid told me that he was too nice to make cry.
Fast forward about a year. Cadet is still in the Navy section. I'm watching them drill, helping them out when he walks up to me and says "I hate you." I work out who he is, apologise (it was a little mean I suppose) and walk off. Suddenly I experience some form of delayed shame.
Oh I'm evil.
Almost forgot the customary penis joke. Would be out of place to apologise though, I don't even give the cadets any warning.
(Wed 30th Nov 2005, 23:47, More)