» Toilets

Went for a long overdue wee

in a posh-looking bar. Statues and paintings everywhere. Lots of arty-looking types.

"Excuse me, where's the bog?" I asked an overworked-looking barman, elbows deep in glasses and hot water, who casually nodded to the other side of the room.

Door with a familiar symbol on it. Enter. Lock. Someone banging on door. Fuckit. Zip. Wang. Relief.

Zip up. Notice that the whole WC is covered in newspaper. Everywhere. Everything, toilet included. WTF? Open door, exit. Met by a look of sheer horror on face of an arty type.

I'd pissed in his art display.
(Fri 2nd Sep 2005, 12:00, More)

» Stupid Tourists

Embarrassed girlfriend
She's Hungarian and she had her friend visiting us in Spain. Hungarian, of course, is a language not frequently spoken abroad so my gf and her friend would constantly gabble away about anything and everything out loud in public.

One day they were standing on a bus going into town when a person of dubious gender got on. Androgynous is the word, I think. So of course they start debating whether this person is male or female. A few stops later "it" made to get off, but not before saying in perfect Hungarian, and a little bitterly, "Actually, I'm a woman."

Cue instant desires for holes to open up beneath them...
(Tue 12th Jul 2005, 15:38, More)

» Injured Siblings

Well,

since I was an only child I had to beat myself up. And I fucking deserved it too.
(Sat 20th Aug 2005, 10:27, More)

» Weddings

My bride-to-be was Hungarian
And they have this nice little tradition that during the reception the bride is "stolen." For her to be returned the groom has to perform a forfeit, usually sing a song.

Now, I'm a professional muso, but the thought of having to "sing" puts me in a panic.

Cue attempts to charm/bribe my way out of it.
So I'm up on the stage and that black microphone mouthpiece looks HUGE. Guitarist asks me what I'm gonna sing.
"Any ideas?" I ask.
"What about "Hey Yood?"
"What?"
"Hey Yood!"
"Oh....Hey Jude. Erm, OK"

Half way through I forget words AND melody and end up doing a half-assed Shatner on it.

After, brother comes up and says "Well that was really catchy."
"Really?"
"Yep. Like typhoid."

Got the missus back though:)
(Thu 14th Jul 2005, 18:56, More)

» Misunderstood

Last one just reminded me

of when I was in Budapest staying with friends. One of them had a birthday so I went to the local mall to get her a new cd. After perusing for a sufficient amount of time I made my choice and went to the till.

Hungarian is hard as fuck so I said (handing over cd and vaguely gesticulating):

"Nem tudom Magyarul (I don't speak Hungarian), could you wrap this for me please?"

The bloke looked at me with extreme nervousness and seemed completely at a loss for the few English words he had at his command.

"Please, I... I don't know how, but rap section iss overr therre..."
.
(Sat 8th Oct 2005, 14:52, More)