» My first love

At primary school we so became adept at gauging the relative
acceleration of attractive/unattractive girls during the game of 'catch and kiss' that we tailored our runs to enable us to be caught by the fit ones and go fast enough to outrun the mingers. My particular favourite used to come back to mine after school and we'd enjoy a possibly inappropriate (i was 9, she 8) quasi-sexual romp 'like on dynasty' until it was time for my mum to arrive home from work, at which time my amour would scoot over the back fence and i'd blame my dishevelled appearance on either a 'fight' or a 'race'. Fast forward 20 years to the wedding of a mutual friend. My first love is about to leave the hotel where we've all got rooms. She sees me and wanders over smiling affectionately. We embrace and I whisper sweet nothings into her ear, at which point my memory goes blank. The next afternoon during the customary debrief with the groom he mentioned my performance as he was stood next to me at the time. The conversation went as follows:
him; well that was a masterstroke
me; what?
him; when (X) came over to give you a hug, you suggested to her that instead of going home she should come back to your room where you could recreate those stolen moments by shagging each other senseless. She broke off from hugging you long enough to give you a hard slap and a glare that would dissolve glass. Her dad, who was stood right behind you, wasn't too impressed either. Neither was her brother who plays rugby for wigan and had come along with a few of his teammates. No-one saw you for the rest of the evening...
(Thu 20th Oct 2005, 17:43, More)

» Your Weirdest Teacher

delusions of ability to teach
Howard and Leather - porcine deputy head and vulpine head often caught coming out of the same stock cupboard looking mighty dishevelled...she used to go missing from our classroom for hours at a time on mysterious errands that even as primary school kids we knew were a crap pretext for a (lengthy) fumble...they were eventually rumbled one parents evening and she left shortly afterwards

Lund - emotionally unstable chemistry teacher, shouts "it's going to be like that football disaster in Sheffield" to control a rowdy queue for the canteen, dissolves into customary tears and is led away to the staff room. Basic grasp of periodic table rumbled when she asserted Ag meant Argon

Granny Gravett (at least 103 when she retired) - once stopped my mate from getting top marks in an essay because "he's had too many marks already". Controlled problem kids with a well aimed slap to the head

Hebson (aka the penguin) - turned his car engine off to coast into school to save petrol

Zeibicki - crazy name, crazy guy. Robust head of (possibly permed) curls that wouldn't look out of place on Noddy Holder and full face/throat beard. Penchant for leather - waistcoats, trousers, cowboy boots. Once screamed when a lad hid in a cupboard and jumped out at him having discovered 'nookii - the board game for adults' at the back of it
(Wed 9th Nov 2005, 15:45, More)