» Ripped Off

Divorce Lawyers.....
I'm sure I can't be the only one with a story like this:

I'm in the midst of getting divorced. It's all amicable, we've agreed what we want to do, and all my solicitor has to do is draw up the financial agreement. Now, we've actually divided up almost everything in advance, all that's left is the house, so when the lawyer tells me "If it's straightforward, it'll cost around £1200", I assume that's about what I'll pay.

Some months later, no contest on anything from the ex-wife, (who hasn't even bothered with a solicitor), we haven't even got to sending the documents to court yet, and the cnut has already charged me more than £2400. I'm getting a bit tetchy, but I want the thing finished, so I put up with it. The judge calls myself and my wife into court to make sure everything is clear, and rejects my £2500 worth of financial agreement out of hand, as it's completely unsuitable. Now, of course, I'm trying to contest their charges and get them to put their mistakes right for no extra charge. In the process of this, I've requested a breakdown of their charges, which I've received. It made for extremely entertaining reading. Some of my favourite parts included:

A total of £80 or so, charged for drawing up my bills over the period. They are charging the time they spend charging me what they're charging me? Awesome!

After the court hearing, I instructed my solicitor not to take any further action, since I felt he wasn't handling the case competently, and to wait to hear from me. The bill includes a charge the next day for time spent having a meeting with his boss to say "Oh Shit, Sammy is really upset!" and to have her look over the file, and then a charge for her to write me an unsolicited letter saying, essentially, "Sorry you're pissed off, but we're not going to do anything about it".

Lots of charges for "Perusal and Preparation". I wondered why, in a 6 week period where, to my knowledge, he had done nothing, he managed to charge me £800. It appears that every few days, he got my file out, had a bit of a read through, and then put it away again, charging me between £16 and £80 for the privelege.

These last three belong together, and are my personal favourites in a bill that ought to be eligible for the Orange prize for fiction.

18th December - £16:50 for "receiving letter from court". This letter was six lines long, and said that my ex and I had to appear, and the date. By my reckoning, allowing for him to have a hard time opening the envelope, the 6 minutes he billed me gave him time to read that letter 25 times. Despite that, however, he didn't manage to understand the part where I was supposed to appear as well. So........

19th December - £16.50 for "letter to client". This was another 5 liner, telling me that there was a court date set, but that I didn't have to appear. Stapled to the back of it was the order from the court, saying that I DID have to appear.

20th December - £16.50 for "call from client". This was me phoning up to say "Your letter says I don't have to appear, but the court letter says I do. You've made a mistake, haven't you?". So, a total of £49.50 for misreading a letter, advising me wrong, and then taking a call confirming that he'd fucked up.


I can only conclude that I'm in completely the wrong job, and look on open mouthed as they try to charge me a further £450 for work undertaken, and estimate that the cost to bring the job to a close will probably be "less than £1000". Click "I like this" if you think I should go on a brief killing spree. Surely no court in the land would convict me?
(Fri 16th Feb 2007, 14:12, More)

» Worst Nicknames Ever

Resurrection Saga......
There was a lad at my school who went by the name of Jesus, not because he had long hair, but because he had once come back from the dead. Apparently his mother had killed herself, and he was having a bit of a tough time psychologically. One morning he woke and didn't fancy school much, so without giving it too much thought, he called in, pretended to be his own father, and told the school that he had died suddenly in the night. He then proceeded to have a cup of tea and watch the telly, like you do when skiving.

At school, however, it was all kicking off. His mates were mostly the hard biker/mettaller types, and many of them were in tears (he hadn't told anyone he was going to do this). There was a special memorial assembly very hastily arranged, to help the kids deal with it all, and the school was in uproar. This continued until the headmistress and two other teachers went to his house with flowers to offer their condolences........and he answered the door.

His friends were torn between being as angry as hell at him, and having the hugest respect, and from that day forward, he was known as Jesus!
(Mon 22nd May 2006, 16:17, More)

» Unexpected Nudity

I'm the one naked in all my nudity stories.....
But here's a first. I was camping with friends, on bank holiday weekend, at a site behind a pub in Wiltshire. We stayed up late drinking, as did a wedding party at the pub we were behind. Once it got dark, I thought to myself "I bet you could walk naked to the toilet and back, and despite the fact it's as busy as Glastonbury at night, nobody would notice". Anyway, later we went to bed, and at about 2 am, I woke to hear the rain on our tent. I was naked in bed, and the combination of the faff of dressing in the dark in a small tent, coupled with my clothes then getting wet persuaded me to test my theory.

So, naked I emerged from my tent, and padded through the assembled camp toward the pub. I was threading my way between tents where people were still sitting out, and between people walking too and fro, and indeed, nobody noticed that I was undressed. Even as I walked fairly close past the two large tables of people still celebrating the wedding outside the pub, I seemed invisible. Then just as I approached the toilet door, disaster, or rather lightning, struck. The entire area was lit up like day as I was 3 steps from the loo. I struck out and got in there, feeling a mix of relief that I seemed to have made is safely, and concern that, of course, the loo was electric lit, and anyone in there would be in NO doubt of my nakedness. Luckily, nobody WAS there, so I used the loo and emerged, pleased with my lucky escape.

However, as I came out, the two tables of people (perhaps 30 in all) burst into rapturous applause, which only got bigger when another lightning strike lit me up like day! All I could do was wave splendidly, and continue on my way, enoying the applause.
(Sun 31st May 2009, 1:28, More)

» Sexual fetishes

Naked
That sounds a bit vanilla, I know, but bear with me. I'm what some people call a naturist (I don't do labels, and there are lots of things that some people who DO call themselves naturists seem to like and believe which I don't), in that I like to be naked a lot, specially when the weather is good, and especially on the beach.

Now, I'll admit that I think most people look better naked than they do in swimsuits, but being surrounded by naked people is not really a turn-on, it's just nice, freeing and relaxing. I certainly don't wander around with the raging horn, staring at tits.

There is one thing, however, which really does it for me, and that's when someone (and for me, it needs to be a woman) is not quite sure whether to take their clothes off, and has to screw up their courage to take the plunge. That moment of hesitation, the slight feelings of panic and unreality that are going on,and the fantastic, liberating feeling of freedom that I know they're about to experience. This will get to me whether it's on the beach, or when skinny dipping or strip poker happen at a party, or when people are daring each other on Big Brother - wherever, really. For it to really work, I need to see expression of liberation and freedom on their face - if I've watched someone get undressed and then they still look apprehensive and nervy afterwards, I feel a bit guilty and voyeuristic. The vast majority of people don't though, they just get this "wow, so the world didn't end! And now I'm naked! And it feels GREAT!" look on their faces. Given that I'm on a very crowded train, and will be for another 90 mins, I'd better think about something else!
(Mon 26th Oct 2009, 14:31, More)

» Sleepwalking

The wrong bed, the wrong girl.......
My wife (then girlfriend), is a slim girl. She works with another girl who is, shall we say, Rubenesque. Quite, quite gorgeous, but definitely a LONG way on the curvy side. Anyhow, this individual, who we shall call Jo, invited Mrs Sammy and I on a night out. She was housesitting for a gay couple she knew, so we met her at their house, had quite a few drinks there, got another friend locked in the toilet, and had to get her out through the window, and went out. You can already tell how the evening was going to go.

So, we go to a couple of dodgy pubs, and then she proposes that we go to a gay club. I have no objection to this, and since the other friend on the night out is a lesbian, it's sort of kosher, so off we go. The story of that night is worth the telling on its own, but that's for another quote of the week. Suffice to say that we drank a lot more, and I sang a medley of Grease duets onstage with a transvestite singer, and got propositioned a lot as a result.

Anyway, we all stagger back to where Jo is staying, and she proposes that we just stay over. We all get to bed, but in the middle of the night, I need to pee. I'm naked, but I think what the hell, it's 4 in the morning, nobodies going to see me, and if they do, never mind. So I head off, lose quite a lot of liquid and then make my way back. Returning to the bedroom, I should have been clued in by the fact that I can't find the bedside table, but, undeterred, I pop my glasses on the floor, and find my way into bed, cuddling up and spooning Mrs Sammy. At which point, Mrs Sammy says, in Jo's voice "Are you alright? What are you doing?". Credit where it's due, if a friends boyfriend gets in bed naked with you and cuddles up, you're being pretty cool if that's your response. You have to wonder that I didn't notice that Mrs Sammy was literally twice the size, and had grown breasts 9 times larger, but I hadn't, so I leapt out of the bed that I was in with Jo and her friend, saying "Don't worry, go back to sleep", completely confused, and hunted around for my glasses. I thought Jo was still asleep, but unbeknownst to me, she and her friend were watching my bare white arse as I fumbled around on the floor. Jo thought I was trying to weigh myself, her friend thought I was hiding. I left the room, clinging to the hope that they were still asleep, and thinking maybe I could just pretend nothing happened!

In the event, however, I decided it was better to own up. How questionable would it be if Mrs Sammy heard about this in the morning, and I had said nothing? So, I got into bed and said "I think I might just have got in bed with Jo.....". Mrs Sammy, to her eternal credit, just said "Never mind, just go to sleep", at which point I heard peels of laughter from the other room. Evidently they hadn't been asleep......
(Thu 23rd Aug 2007, 16:46, More)