» Work Experience

Good with computers
When I was 14 we had to do two weeks of work experience. Kindly my school spotting that I was "good with computers" (not sure how as we had gloryfied abacusses and no lessons) sorted me out with a fortnight at a company called Camel Computers. I turned up for the inteview where a snotty twat told me that I would spend the first week peeling disk labels off disks followed by a week of sitting behind the admin desk.
Unsurprisingly I told him where to shove his disk labels.

I did want to work for a computer games company though and knowing that the school would now probably line me up with a couple of weeks following the caretaker I went through every computer games magazine I'd ever bought looking for a company either near by or close to anyone I knew. I phoned up a few without much luck, but the owner nearest company asked me to send in my CV, I quickly made one and they asked me to come in and play test their latest game.

On my first day I turned up at 8:55 in a shirt and trousers. At 9:40 the first person turned up to let me in wearing jeans and a death metal t-shirt.

After a week of playing games, I was actually getting a bit bored and started dooddling in D Paint (yeah, it was a log time ago). The lead artist happened to come upstairs to see if I was alright, liked what he saw and got me working on the game they were developing. The two weeks quickly ran out, but the company got me back in every school holiday and paid me. They were apologetic about how much they paid me, but I was actually taking home more money than my mum.

Anyway I last worked there at 19, I was offered a full time job but wanted to do some "growing up" at university. I went on to do other things, but that experience set me up better than any qualification I've ever had.

Apologies for monsterous length, and lack of humour, but work experience isn't always bad.
(Thu 10th May 2007, 11:17, More)

» Council Cunts

Doing it for the kids
A fair few years ago a mate and I left Ministry of Sound (for all our sins) at closing (around 6am) a fair bit worse for wear after a cocktail of class A's.
As we travelled sweating in a taxi, to where I'm not etirely sure, we saw a park and decided that we'd stop there. We paid the driver and bid him good day before setting off to explore our new found land.

Quickly we discovered a playground with rope swings, but alas there were no ropes. Fear not though, because we fast found them and went about setting up all of the rope swings complete with tops off like proper pikeys.

After about an hour we'd set the whole thing, just as we were in the middle of our first run, we were rudely interupted by the Park keeper.

PK: What the hell do you think you're playing at?! Are you responsible for putting all this up?

[slight pause]

Me: Alright mate, we've been sent down by the council, what didn't they tell you?
PK: No. Who sent you?
Me: The guy who called us was called Sven Daulphin (two friends from school with wierd names) or something, give him a ring if you like, but I doubt you'll get hold of him.
PK:Yeah, know what you mean.
Me: Anyway mate, don't want to be rude, but we've only got an hour take get this done before getting to the next place.
PK: OK
(Now just had to close him)
Me: Yeah, we've just got to go round and check all the swings or it'll only be us who ends up in the shit.
PK: No sure, that's fine lads

Hopefully some kids had a good time on it... we left shortly after still slightly chewing our faces off.
(Fri 27th Jul 2007, 16:34, More)

» Rubbish Towns

Middlesbrough
Without a doubt the worst place I have ever lived. Even friends I've met who were born there say he place is a shit hole.

Don't get me wrong the surrounding areas including Yarm are nice, North Yorkshire Moors beautiful and Newcastle great to go out in but avoid Middlesbrough like the plague. Actually don't avoid it... seriously, if ever you feel that the place you live is bad, just pop up their for a weekend - you will come back think Hull, Basingstoke, etc are veritable paradises.

Highlights of my two years living there at Teeside University (they were too ashamed to call it Middlesbrough?):


1) Picked up mate from train station and walked back to my Halls. On route pass a pub with a bloke staggering out surrounded by two mates... his face pissing with blood having just been glassed. Not too perturbed we get back to mine and drop off his bag before cracking open a couple of cans. Our catch up chat is rudely interrupted by the sound of screeching tyres outside. We look outside to see (on the other side of the car park) two blokes jump out of some convertible chav chariot with tacky custom paint job and start pummelling the shit out of this bloke - stamping the lot - before hopping back into their pimped monstrosity and screeching off. Guy brushes himself off and carries on his merry way. Needless to say nobody does anything as it's undoubtedly drug related. Oh, did I mention this all happened at 2pm in broad daylight?

2) On the very first day we'd driven through the moors up the hill and then seen the massive ICI factory pluming out smoke, which is effectively Middlesbrough. We ended up in the center of town so my mum asked someone where the university was, only to be told there was no university. So we parked up and tried finding someone who didn't look like they killed people just to watch their expressions change. A group of kids converged all aged between 7 and 12 years old and they surrounded a car, fortunately not ours, before starting to rock it from side to side and eventually roling it onto its roof! Sat in stunned silence, we then watched as rather than run away the kids gathered on the bank and waited for the Police. Only when they showed up (in fairness they were very quick) they kids jeered at them at shouted such lyrical gems as "Ahhhhh, ya wankers, you can't do anything!" before finally running off unpursued.

3) Some friends had their door kicked in as they were watching Eastenders by three men in ski masks and armed with a baseball bat. They simply walked calmly over to the TV, unplugged it, said "Alright" before marching out with it.

- Witnessed numerous fire bombings
- Managed to avoid numerous fights for being a Soft Southern twat (bearing in mind they classify people from Leeds (great place) as Southeners?!)
- Didn't always manage to avoid fights and got mugged once... I'm 6ft 3 and fairly well built
- In the first two weeks I was there 6 people were stabbed and two girls were raped

I have lived in some rough places in my life, but nothing compares to Middlesbrough for sheer random acts of violence.

Unsurprisingly, I can honestly say I never ever want to return to that God forsaken place.

Apologies for lack of fluffy humus but never for the length.
(Thu 29th Oct 2009, 13:32, More)

» Tramps

There's a multi-story carpark near Picadilly Circus
I was meeting some friends in central London and drove into London on a Friday evening running late. It was obviously going to cost me the price of Neverland in its full glory to park there for the weekend but I thought I'd make like an MP and expense it, as I was running late and would have added at least an hour parking further out and then trying to get in.

Anyway, having parked the trusty metal stead I set about leaving the dank concrete underground hole. Trudging up the stairs I reached what I presumed was the exit level - it wasn't. There's few times in my life when I've walked into situations that you really don't want to be in, but certainly walking in on two tramps bumming with a third gleefully watching on was one which no quantity of mind bleach seems to wash away.

The thing was the minute I stepped backwards and let the door stand between me and the homo-hobo show, I started to worry. Was the man being bummed consenting? Was he indeed even a tramp or had he been some poor bastard who happened to park in that car park and made the mistake I'd just made but been pounced on by the two vagrants and being raped? Standing outside I looked at my phone which typically was on its last legs in terms of battery life and had no reception in the concrete cell - even if this hadn't been the case, what could I say to the Police? If they were threeway merry bum bandits, then well they might get asked to move on and not rut in public places. But of course much worse, by the time the police arrived and the guy on the bottom was being attacked then he could have already taken tramp number two's length and been left for dead, etc. I felt very much like Bruce Willis in Pulp Fiction.

I could still hearing the muffled grunts beyond the door so assumed that the loose tramp hadn’t decided to come after me – perhaps that meant that they were all enjoying themselves and I could go and enjoy myself well away from there. I just couldn’t walk away though, just in case it was the nightmare scenario.

Shoving the door heavily I stood forward with the door swinging wide open, again absorbing the horror of the down-and-out dirty show. This time they stopped. They all looked up at me and the voyeur vagrant sneered, soon followed by a broad smile from the one being bummed. That was my cue, I didn’t need to see the one on top smile, I just turned and got the fuck away to the fading sound of tramp cackle.
(Thu 2nd Jul 2009, 17:26, More)

» My first experience of porn

Possibly not my first "encounter"...
... but at the tender age of ten, went to Holland with my Mum and her boyfriend, Adam. My mum and I used to go over quite a lot, as she's Dutch, to see relatives.

Now most of Holland is very different from Amsterdam, but on this occasion we went there to show Adam "the sites".

It was there though that a bouncer/tout outside a live sex show came out with the brilliant line of "Come inside. Family show - see how to make babies"

Amazingly we didn't go in, and my sex education was considerably more conventional.
(Mon 29th Jan 2007, 12:28, More)