b3ta.com user boris the spider

Profile for boris the spider:

a member for 7 years, 5 months and 11 days
has posted 10642 messages on the main board
has posted 23 messages on the talk board
has posted 4 messages on the links board
has posted 11 stories and 14 replies on question of the week
They liked 1326 pictures, 0 links, 1 talk posts, and 36 qotw answers.
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Somewhat outdated B3ta stuff:

I have a bad habit of going on one-man bandwagons. Amongst my favourite are the old classic "Ugly man's face on attractive woman's body", and that hoary favourite "The bird-headed soldier". Of course, my actual favourite is the Peanuts Apocalypse.

Bird-Headed Soldiers
I'm not sure why these work so well, but they do.
This chap was a commander in the Scots Guard:

This turkey was proud just to become a quartermaster:

This chirpy little feller fought for Britain in the Boer War:

One bald eagle in particular drew fame in the USA for his heroism during their civil war; here he is relaxing before the battle:

, and here he is after the war, promoted to general:

Alas, not every bird who joined the army joined on our side. There were some, for example, who joined the Provisional Irish Republican Army, as this still from Ken Loach's "The Vulture that Shook the Barley" shows:

Ugly Men and Pretty Ladies
There are two undeniable stars of this fast-growing fashion scene. The first bears a startling resemblance to Bernie Ecclestone, had he only Shakira's body.

The other star looks as though you took Clint Howard and put him on Cheryl Cole's body, which is quite a coincidence when you think of it. These two photos were taken at a recent fashion show:

Speckly paintmashes

The obligatory Skugosaurus:

A Peanuts Apocalpypse
I'm beginning to forget what I've done here so I'm dumping them all in my profile to make sure I remember.

01: The Lies, Charlie Brown, The Lies The Lies The Lies The Lies The Lies ("Derivative Tosh")

www.b3ta.com/board/9798257

02: The Devil's Ejaculate, the Demon Afterbirth ("The Flames They Gather")

www.b3ta.com/board/9799929

03: The Music of the Night, What Children They Make ("Beware the Lonely Night. Beware the Scratchings of the Cockroaches"
BEWARE THE SCRATCHINGS OF THE COCKROACHES")

www.b3ta.com/board/9803889

04: The Hairy Barbs of the Phallus ("The Lies, the Lies, the Barbed Phallus, the Haunting Sound of the Pipes")

www.b3ta.com/board/9816354

05: Sick and Tired ("A Break from the Challenge for a Few Short Minutes")

www.b3ta.com/board/9819430

06: The Flames, the Lies, the Red Roses of Bloodied Semen ("The Crimson Ejaculate, the Croaking Death of the Bludgeoned Songbird")

http://www.b3ta.com/board/9831964

07: Beware the Motherfucking Pipes, you fucking Moron ("Beware the lure of the pipes, beware the pine-scented charm, beware the semen-crusted barbs")

http://www.b3ta.com/board/9839946

08: Fuck that Savaged Cunt ("New for Valentine's Day!")

http://www.b3ta.com/board/9917511

09: Fucking and Eating Virgins ("THE LITTLE CREATURES KNOW THE COMING OF THEIR MASTER. LET THE WISE BEWARE AND THE UNWARY SUFFER")

http://www.b3ta.com/board/9960105

10: Libraries Gave us Power ("Sometimes at night I hear them in the walls
and they don't stop they don't stop they chitter they speak to one another in tongues men were not meant to hear in the spitting speech of demonspawn they speak of my fate the phlegm catches in their throats they giggle they vomit and their barbs their barbs they i feel their hands i feel their fingers in my mouth i cry out and they're on my tongue and i taste the poisoned issue from their barbs and gag and they giggle and i feel something pushing my buttocks apart and it's one of them and i feel him go in and oh god oh god please let this end and my vision is fading and i see the leers and hear the lies as i lapse to blessed unconsciousness")

http://www.b3ta.com/board/10003692

11: The Chittering of the Beasts Grows in the Belly, the Unnatural Womb Rips Asunder ("LOOK OUT TO THE SEA. AND THE DARK GROWS FROM THE SKY, INK DRIPPING ON THE SLUGGISH WAVES AND THEY BREAK AND IT RISES IT RISES AND THE DARK IT GROWS AND I TRY TO RUN BUT MY FEET ARE CAUGHT INSECTS COCKROACHES THE CHITTERING THE CHITTERING AND THEY CLIMB MY LEGS BARBED FEET GOUGING CHUNKS FROM MY FLESH AND IT REACHES THE SHORE AND ITS EYES ITS EYES AND THE COCKROACHES REACH MY GROIN AND THEY CRAWL THEY CRAWL INSIDE AND HANDS GRAB FROM BEHIND FINGERS IN MY MOUTH DISEASED SHIT-COATED FINGERS AND ITS EYES ITS EYES AND I GAG AND I FEEL COCKROACHES FROM INSIDE THEY DIG AT MY INTESTINES I FEEL THE FLUTTERING IN MY STOMACH OH GOD OH GOD LET ME DIE AND MY BLADDER OH DEAR GOD HELP ME MY BLADDER TEARS APART HORNETS AND TERMITES AND INSECTS AND BARBS LET ME DIE AND ITS EYES ITS EYES")