» Teenage Parties

The Host With The Most
At the time my parents were renting this lovely little cottage on the river, in amongst loads of holliday homes in a prime area of the broads in Norfolk. With the boat tied up in the wet dock, the balcony looking over the river, and with the house being pretty much white throughout it certainley looked lovely. Towards the end of the lease, they decided they were going to go away for a long weekend, leaving my sister and myself behind because of work.

As soon as we heard this the obvious sprung to mind and I organised all. With rumours curculated at the bar where I worked throughought the week a lot of hype was around for my forthcoming party, and the instruction that they wouldn't get in without a 'contribution'.

Saturday rolled round, and i had spent the Friday night at work heavilly promoting the bash to all unsundry, including random holliday people who had mored up outside.

Aiming for some sort of damage limitation we removed all the breakables and locked them in the dining room, plastering a huge 'out-of-bounds' sticker to the door. I cooked some food up, including 2 pasta bakes - one of which was a little 'special'. I left my sis to it, whilst I went to the pub to see what was going on.

Somehow we managed to fit in excess of 60 people in the little house, and partied away till dawn. If it wasn't for the big mental block thing going on I would probably be a bit more specific but heres the highlights:

-Arriving back at the house to see my sisters mates, and my girlfriend had arrived - cue sneaking into my parents room (I'm not proud) for a damn good start to the evening.
-coming out an hour later to find the house full, and having a line thrust under my nose - this resulted in me picking a fight with my sisters judo champ mate, whos arse i royally kicked from one end of the house to the other, and left him in tears.
-Dodgy goings on with salad cream and obergine and someone acting out felatio on such vegtable.
-Walking around with the 2 pasta bakes telling people that the special one was the safe on just to stitch people up.
-yelling at the people on the other side of the river to come and join the party, they did, saw what was going on and scurried back to the security of their house again, occasionally waving from the windows.
-playing '30 people shove' on my sisters trampoline to drumm and bass, which stopped when someone broke their wrist, and the trampline got bent into a right angle.
-The police showing up to check everything was ok, so I invited them in for a grand tour, even offered them some pasta bake...
-Someone blowing chunks in the bath, then took great pride in marinating his drunken girlfriend in it.

The only problem was that when it came to the morning after, we saw the damage that had been done, and thought it was nothing a bit of vanish wouldn't sort out. We were very wrong.

My parents came home on the Monday night to find their pretty little white house on the river dessemated. We couldn't remember where all the breakables went, so just put them where they fitted. Blood, vomit, wine, ash and cig burns covered the walls, sofas and carpets. The Balcony had been broken during some high dive (into shallow water) olympics. My littlest sister broke down in tears when she saw the sate of her trampoline, which only got worse when she found the washing up bowl of vomit that some kind soul had left under her bed. And the cat didn't show itself for nearly a week.

Oh, and then my mum kicked me out the house... I think she was the gutted one - I left with a great big grin on my face, I didn't care, it had been a wicked party, and it meant I didn't have to try and clean the stains anymore!
(Thu 13th Apr 2006, 15:51, More)

» Worst Nicknames Ever

Usually Leaves A Bit Of A Stain...
One of the Directors at work is lovingly refered to as 'Toenails'. Due to the fact that he's so far up the MD's arse, that's all you can usualy see...
(Wed 24th May 2006, 16:59, More)

» School fights

1st one folks so take it easy....
As a regular ‘target’ of the local farmer boy thugs, constant victimisation was merely part and parcel of everyday school life for me it’s sad to say.

I foolishly thought moving from a rough little school in the heart of Birmingham to a quiet little village primary school, I would have been in good standing to hold my own. I didn’t bank on the fact that these guys had been shifting hay bales and chasing farm animals all their life, so they were used to a good hiding. They weren’t however used to having some cheeky little stranger beating them with quick wits and a very dry sense of humour, so needless to say I spent the majority of school life receiving regular beatings.

One particular time involved undercutting the black market sweet guy (chewing gum and other niceties were banned, resulting in a prime opportunity to triple pocket money). When the fat git found out about this he promised me a hiding, so I carefully raised my voice as a teacher walked past, voicing my opinion that he shouldn’t be selling sweets to diabetics or something. Needless to say he got a detention, lost a weeks stock, and I got pinned up against a tree so that each of his customers could crack me in the face. That lasted an entire lunch time.

The best one however was a long time coming, this little guy Doug, who was a little bit of a psycho (he’d stand about 4’6’’ and purposely seek out the biggest guy to have a scrap with regardless of the fact he’d never win, but he got left alone) I had apparently said something to stress him and again another hiding was promised to me. I actually spent a number of lunch times hiding from this guy. That just made things worse and sure enough word got around the school that he was looking for me, which, when he finally did catch up with me, meant that a great crowd had formed to see this fight of the week.

Cue us beating the crap out of each other for nearly 40 minutes, working through different fighting styles, me using my height, him running in and attacking my knees. We actually put on such a good show, we didn’t realise the bell had gone, and the playing field was empty save for a couple of teachers – who eventually broke things up.

To sum up, I told the teacher that we had been pushed into it, neither of us wanted to do it, but the crowd wouldn’t leave us alone, got away with it, and ALL the onlookers received a lunchtime detention! – Sure enough it just meant I got more kicking’s……

Sorry for the ramble, but that’s just me.
(Tue 14th Mar 2006, 8:56, More)