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» Inappropriate crushes

Off the cliff, as it were...
I had a female acquaintance who seemed to be of the "mitosis rather than sex" variety, a displaced Victorian. She invited myself and my better half to her house one day, wanting our opinion on Cliff Richard's musical "Heathcliff". Being Bronte affacionados, we accepted... After all, how bad could it be? Don't answer that.

After showing us about 60 pictures from the special trip to England and Bronteland for the opening night of the show, she showed us her bedroom (she was 34 years old at the time).

Every, and I mean EVERY square centimetre of space was covered by posters, photos, calendars and LP covers of Cliff Richard. Even the ceiling! To top it all off, there was a 1/2 life-size cutout by the bed - she made it herself by tiling posters, or some such. It was like being enclosed in a suitcase upholstered with Cliff Richards photos.

When I commented, weakly, that she "must find him pretty hot, then" she replied that there was nothing sexual about it and that she admired his warm personality and musical skills.

Scarred me for life.
(Sun 1st Oct 2006, 4:51, More)

» School fights

Don't hit a kid with glasses
Back in the days of "my childhood, of blessed memory" I was a skinny, big-eared, flat-chested slip of a girl, and was picked on by everyone. At the age of eight I started wearing glasses, so the scuffles turned to the humiliating comments of, "I'd hit you, but I'd break your glasses" or, even better, "Leave her, she's as blind as bat anyway".

The last time I heard that comment was at the age of twelve, when my best friend and I sat down to admire our hard-earned 200-bag collection of purchased stickers (don't ask). The local bully proceeded to confiscate the lot. I threw down the gauntlet and offered to have a fistfight over it, to which he replied that he wouldn't hit a girl, especially not one with glasses. He did not offer to return the stolen property; rather, he passed it on to his surrounding cronies.

What's to be done? I took off my glasses, asked a crony to hold them, called the other cronies to witness that I had no glasses and he could freely hit me, and, while he was busy laughing at my blinded state, proceeded to plant the heel of my shoe into his bollocks.

Took me a while to get the glasses back, as the witness holding them ran to warn the bully's mother that "P.B.B. is jumping on your son's head and he's bleeding".

Got all the stickers back too.
(Sun 12th Mar 2006, 3:23, More)

» Worst Nicknames Ever

The Queen on China Town
My colleague and I refer to our boss as The Madame, since she lets every other department at work screw us over any way they like and then she gets paid for it.
(Sun 21st May 2006, 4:44, More)