» Cringe!

My German Boss
My company has an office in Frankfurt and I had been doing some work at a German bank. I had had to stay there two consecutive (and unplanned) weekends which I hadn't been happy about. When I had to do the same for a third weekend, my boss offered to fly my wife and eight year-old son over and said we could stay at his gaff.

This was a nice gesture, I thought. My boss was a charming and courteous German bloke, with a beautiful house with a pool, sauna etc, so it would be a very pleasant weekend. He said we could borrow his Mercedes and do some touring. It would be a bit of a treat.

Come Friday afternoon, and my boss's wife (two metres of Claudia Schiffer lookalike) went to collect my wife from the airport while I finished my work at the bank. After finishing, I went to my company's offices, where my boss had invited all the staff into his big corner office for some Champagne to welcome this English family to Frankfurt. So, there were about twenty people gathered there, together with my boss's wife and his young daughter who was drawing horses on the whiteboard.

My boss cracked out the Champers, we all had a bit of banter, and my son politely asked the daughter (in English) if he could borrow the pen and do some drawing too. Ah, it was a warm moment.

Until one of my colleagues said "Oh, I think maybe it is better if you see what your son is doing on the whiteboard."

I turned around to see my son had drawn a huge airship covered in swastikas.

Clearly, in the eyes of the Germans, this is what I had taught him to do.
(Fri 28th Nov 2008, 12:11, More)

» Kids

I came downstairs and caught my 3 year-old son...
...standing ON TOP of the TV. (Big 1990s Sony affair). Just standing there, with a smug look on his chops.

"What the hell are you doing up there?"
"This."
(Thu 17th Apr 2008, 15:35, More)

» Public Transport Trauma

Aeroplane
Got on a plane for a long-haul flight. Middle seat on a 747. Aaaargh.

Got settled in, just ready for twelve hours of vegetative contemplation, when chap next to me leans over and says:

"Tell me, do you ever read The Bible?"
(Fri 30th May 2008, 9:28, More)

» Your first cigarette

Finally
Here's a story from an ex-smoker which will probably make you cross.

After 25 years (ages 15-40) of enjoying a pack of Marlboro reds each day (two packs a day with the beer), time finally caught up with me.

I think it was the realisation that to smoke required my personality to exhibit the heady characteristics of stupidity, denial and weakness in varying degrees. It DOES cost a fortune, it IS appallingly bad for you, and you DO only do it because you are addicted and are not strong enough to stop. There's no way of putting a cynical smirk on it to recover dignity. To quote the Diet Tango ad: "You need it because you're weak".

So I set out to stop. It took three years to accomplish fully, with relapses, and it was SHIT. Giving up smoking is such a lonely experience, being parted from one's best friend, and being tempted every minute of the conscious day (and then subsequently dreaming about smoking).

I read in a book "each craving only lasts about three minutes". Maybe, but the next craving starts immediately afterwards. I also used to desparately crave one while I was wanking, which is not in any of the books, and made me lose my train of thought about Japanese ladies cosplaying as maids.

One day recently it dawned on me, after a busy week's work and a heavy weekend on the booze, that cigarettes had just not occurred to me all week. Three years of pain and tension is worth it for it for that feeling of joyous liberation and the reward of accomplishment, I promise you...

And to the girl who says she only smokes because she looks fucking cool: I don't agree. When I see people huddled in doorways dragging away in the lovely British winter, I think they look pretty damn pathetic really, and I am glad I am finally free of the cunting things. Choice? Pah! The choice of whether to be addicted or not is all they offer. Ban the bastards altogether!
(Sun 23rd Mar 2008, 18:56, More)

» Worst Nicknames Ever

Unfortunate German nickname
A few years ago, my company had an office in Germany which employed an extremely pleasant, mild-mannered sales guy called "Werner".

In true xenophobic style he acquired the nickname "Bunsen" - a contraction of "Bunsen Werner the Jew Burner", which seemed a little harsh.
(Fri 19th May 2006, 15:47, More)