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What Is Your Battle Cry?

Sprinting along the mini-mall parking lot, brandishing a jeweled meat hammer, cometh Smellyape! And he gives a low bellow:

"I'm going to forcibly reverse your gender!"

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created by beatings : powered by monkeys



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» Things to do before you die

Hardly groundbreaking....
I've read a few entries on here, unfortunately not that much *sparkles* with me, except the bloke who ranted that the life I've created is boring and ive wasted my time, still I think he got flamed enough for being a little short sighted, funny though.

You see, my problem, if you can call it one, is that ive only ever wanted to have a good job, children, a home and a lovely wife. I didnt take the shortcut to this by getting a 14 year old pregnant while in school and getting lucky in the council house lottery. I just took my time and grew up, it wasnt easy, it didnt all fall into my lap, I had to go out and "try", but I got there.

I've never wanted to visit tibetan temples, or leap out of a plane, pipedreams maybe, if the opportunity ever arises I'll probably take it, but my drive has alwayy been just to be me.

Pretty boring really, but I found its a lot harder to be me than you might think, I can guarantee none of you would be able to be me, you may be better, or worse, but never "me".

My cynical and somewhat blanket view is that "we" as a species are just like the other species out there, we like showing off, whereas "you" might show off by telling me tales of how you outran a small militia while taking part in the Gumball 3000 on the borders of Poland in a sinclair C5 wearing nothing but a banaman costume and smoking a cigar, I just like telling people about how well my wife and kids are doing, and that they are happy.

To me, knowing that is enough to know that im on the road to achieving something special, and having my kids grow up with me is a constant change of perspective and goals in itself.

Sorry for being/sounding boring....I'm happy.
(Tue 19th Oct 2010, 12:55, More)

» Ignoring Instructions

mmmm chlorene
In secondary school doing an experiment with different gases, seeing if they are flammable, if they smell etc, usual 13 year old cack.

When the supply teacher tells the class "lads, whatever you do, dont sniff the chlorene gas..." we asked why but were just told "not to"....weeeelllll cue me and my mate Phil daring each other to sniff it....if our knowledge of WWII was up to scratch we would have worked out that it was the same substance used by the evil hun to "wash" millions of jews, and may have sided with the supply teacher.

Instead....cue two thirteen year olds sniffing the minutest amount of Chlorene only to collapse on the floor gasping for breath and draining our mate Dave's asthma pump (like it would help). Both of us had a stompin headache and I lost so much blood/snot out of my nose I truly thought my brain was trying to make a run for it....guess that supply teacher had a good point after all.

*Edit* Actually gas used in WWII was Zyklon B, Chlorine was in WWI, shows what I learnt :(
(Thu 4th May 2006, 16:00, More)

» Call Centres

Conservatories
I'd always wanted a conservatory, still do in fact, but I've never been in a position to afford one unfortunately.

Anyway, I was at home one hot sunny day thinking how nice it would have been to have a conservatory so I could sit out in it and relax on one of my hard earned days off.

*ring ring*

What a stroke of luck, not only for the cold caller but for me too, it was a well known double glazing company....

Me: "No I'm not too intersted in double glazing thanks, but do you happen to "do" conservatories"

I could hear the cold callers voice raise an octave or two in joy. I discussed at length that I'd always liked one, nothing too fancy, plastic roof, double glazing. It would ned to be reasonably soundproofed too, as I live(d) close to a main road, it was all doable. Excellent stuff thought I, gazing out of the window at nature in all its bright and beautiful glory, I asked him one last question:

"How easy is it to attach a conservatory to a second floor flat ?"

At this point he hung up, though I was very keen to get one or at least a quote, and thought I'd be the envy of chavsville if I had a conservatory batoned on to the side of my little flat. If only it was viable, I was serious for the most part, if not only brought on by a hot sunny day and an overwhleming sense of boredom. And yet I was still quite proud of myself for that.

(I know, I preferred undercovercarrot's tale too)
(Thu 10th Sep 2009, 13:23, More)

» Running away

Next time im gone for good......
a friend of mine ran away once, a group of us had picked on him for farting in drama and make an embarresingly big deal about the foul stench that fell out of his arse. he was obviously upset at this treatment, which only served to encourage us with our torment.

After an hour or so of this he was near tears (one of our biggest rugby players but off the pitch he was a gentle giant), so we left it.

The next day he wasnt in and our teachers called those involved it the "bullying" into a room, he had tried to run away that evening and his parents wanted to find out why, we gave our end of the story and were let off (quite rightly too).

However, the funniest part was how he returned, he had successfully and covertly packed his belongings and much food into his bag, climbed out of his window, shimmied down the drain pipe and off into the local woods. he had to return however as he nothing to open all the tins of food he had taken and couldnt climb back up the drainpipe. Numpty.

And yes he got it for a few days after for not even being able to run away properly.
(Fri 11th Aug 2006, 14:26, More)

» Celebrity Encounters III

Angry Linford got Angry
I was down in Bluewater some years back with two friends of mine, taking a stroll to the Food Court when I spied none other than sausage smuggler LInford Christie, my firends were deep in conversation but being a sporty little twat (18 years old though) I got all excited and couldnt help but point and looked back at my friends, trying to get their attention without interrupting them....

I walked with them, still pointing......

it was some conversation they were having, but my mum and dad had brought me up right so I didnt want to interrupt....I checked, Linford was still there walking towards us....we carried on walking until finally I was able to shout (while still pointing) "Look, its Linford...." and poked him in the eye

I didnt so much out run him but gurned and stuttered an apology of sorts, he looked angry so I put my arm down and mingled in with the crowd as best I could.....

I also Shook Brian May's hand at a Metallica concert back in 1996ish..and did a stoned impression of Bill and Ted* "we're not worthy" much to the annoyance of the surrounding 40 and over Mullet brigade.

*Edit, was it Bill and Ted or Laurel and Hardy, I cant recall....great days.
(Thu 5th Dec 2013, 13:42, More)
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