» Never Meet Your Heroes

stereophonics
I was in a pub in Reading and my friend pointed out that the reason why there was a big croud of people around some little runt was that it was actually Kelly Jones from the stereophonics. Having had a few beers, i bet my friend 20 quid that he wouldn't go and stroke his face. Having had a few more, he went off and tried. There was a bodyguard type tough wanker there so my friend tried to chat subtly for a bit. Seemed to work so went for the kill. Didn't work. So he explained the bet and even offered to split the winnings. The answer was no.
The cunt.
(Tue 30th May 2006, 20:42, More)

» The most childish thing you've done as an adult

It will always be funny, no matter how old I get
I still think farting is one of the funniest things. I get great satisfaction from farting in museums. There's the entertainment of letting rip loudly and then calmly ignoring all the stares. Alternatively, art galleries are the best place for a good 'SBV' (silent but violent for those who have forgotten the playground terminology).

I now have a new and entertaining playground. Meetings. A slightly older colleague of mine made my day recently by letting out a loud squeaker, followed a by a little jump of surprise and very quick 'excuse me'. Everyone else in the meeting just ignored this, but I couldn't help myself. First the grinning started, then the shoulder shaking, before I finally had to feign a coughing fit and leave the room. It wasn't very subtle as I burst out in hysterics as soon as I opened the door.

Am I the only one who finds the littlest things hilarious in situations that are completely inappropriate, and finds a serious atmosphere has the ability to trigger a fit of laughter?
(Sun 20th Sep 2009, 19:28, More)

» Terrible food

Butchery
On a holiday in Nepal, i promised myself i would not touch the meat after seeing (and smelling) a 'meat shop'. They can't be called a butchers as that would be an insult to butchers everywhere.

After 24 hours spent shitting rivers having failed to wash my hands after handling the currency, i was desperately hungry so tucked into a chicken curry. It was delicious, but whereas in the UK we tend to make it with boneless pieces of chicken, the Nepalese tend to get a whole chicken, and then give it to a pissed off schizophrenic with a cleaver to dice it, bones, feathers and all. Not very nice when you come across these pieces!

The following day i saw a dog in one of these meat shops. It was only the rear end, tail and all, no hair left, and layed out so that it's cock was proudly on display and it's sphincter was winking at me. When i next go there, i will stick to a strictly vegetarian diet!
(Sat 19th May 2007, 13:19, More)

» When were you last really scared?

Broken back??
I fell out of my friends tree house and landed on my back. I couldn't move for a few minutes and thought i was paralysed. He was in the house and didn't know what had happened. The thing that really scared me was the fact that i was naked. I was lying on my back, butt-naked calling to my friend to bring my pants and then call an ambulance!! Luckily I got up and was fine a few minutes later. This was only a couple of years ago. That is probably the most scary thing!
(Fri 23rd Feb 2007, 0:04, More)

» Turning into your parents

What you really want....
It's my birthday in a couple of weeks. My parents asked me what I want and it was a very quick decision to ask for a nice shiny new black & decker workmate and a good tennon saw.

Other things on the list are a subscription to the economist and socks.

Yes. I want fucking socks for my birthday. Where's the gin....
(Sun 3rd May 2009, 18:22, More)