» Evil Pranks

Work pranks, eh?
I'd forgotten about this one... :) When I was in t'Fire Brigade some years ago (sad - my only other post relates to my F.B. days), practical jokes were the order of the day, especially on new recruits - nothing generally worth repeating here, the usual deep heat on the testicles, wiping your dick round someone's coffee mug when they'd pissed you off, see all the other posts here.

However, one day when I'd been in a couple of years I found myself riding the shift as the most senior member of the two man breathing apparatus crew with an (even more) callow youth under my tender care and protection, one who's seen no action at all. So half way through the afternoon we get called to a fire in a suburban sem-detatched, ' persons reported' i.e. it's believed that there are people trapped in the fire.

We turn up, rigged up, and pile into the house to begin searching ('cos that's, like, what you do in such circumstances). There's a fire in a couple of the downstairs rooms going well and the house is full of smoke, so visibility is down to about two feet in front of your face. Taking a room each at a time, we soon have the downstairs cleared and proceed upstairs.

The first room I do upstairs is obviously a child's bedroom, and I suddenly think the worst has happened when I see a tiny black hand sticking out of the gloom. When I check, it's a life-size black baby doll. So I did what any self-respecting fireman would have done in my position. I cradle the doll in my arms and come out the the room calling my mate's name (which I forget) and saying "shit, oh shit..." and similarly emotive things.

I can see his eyes through the B.A. mask and he doesn't look happy... Dead people, especially burned dead people, are bad enough the first few times, but kids'll make even the hardest, cruelest fuckwit go quiet and emotional, and I can see this kid isn't liking his first 'experience' of a stiff... so then I threw the doll at him while simultaneously shouting "BOO!!" at the top my voice.... hahaha, happy days....

Length? 25 metres long and 75 mm in diameter if I recall correctly...
(Tue 18th Dec 2007, 3:02, More)

» Worst Nicknames Ever

Nicknames? Hate 'em ;)
Well, started out as Acko at primary school, (derived from surname), okay, not too bad, then went to secondary and grew my hair looong - and it's curly - so became, either Hair Bear (kinda cool!) or Crystal Tips (not cool!). Then became Phineas The Thug (not cool when you're introduced to people) cos I shaved all my hair off, and Fireman Phineas (a bit embarrasing, frankly, but better than nowt...) cos I joined the London Fire Brigade. At 19. With adolescent spots, oh yes. So from then on I was Spotty, or, to one particular wag of a sub-officer at training school 'E8'. Why, we asked. "'Cos it's the postcode for 'ackney! hur! hur!". Sigh.

Apologies, length, girth, whatever, fuck off then it's my first post...
(Sun 21st May 2006, 22:29, More)

» World's Sickest Joke


Q: What do you call a black man flying a plane?
A: The pilot, you fucking racist.
(Tue 25th Apr 2006, 0:18, More)

» Inappropriate crushes

Ah, my biology teacher...
...amongst many. Funny part is (no, it is...) about the time she was bending over the desk behind mine (old-skool science lab with rows of benches with sinks 'n' gas taps) giving a classmate of mine a hard time about his homework or something.

I always fancied her, and as her arse which was now about a foot away from my face it seemed quite natural to start miming cunnilingus in close proximity for my own pleasure and the amusement of the rest of the class... So of course, to direct attention away from his bollocking, the kid being bollocked says "Hey miss, look what he's doing..." and she turned round and caught me.

But instead of detention, she went bright red, stood bolt upright and said "I should slap your face!" in a way I always wanted to believe was less than convincing. She then stormed up to the front of the class and tried to carry on as if nothing had happened. Other kid gets of bollocking, and I get to bash my helmet for months with the fantasy that this meant she might not really have minded...

If you're reading, sorry Gillian... but no apologies for longness.
(Thu 28th Sep 2006, 19:09, More)