» Kids

Dogging 1 year old
Many years ago (10 to be exact) my little lad was in the toddling stage. Now, I didn't know that he had learned how to climb out of his cot, but I found out one Sunday morning when I was enjoying my Sunday "lie in" with Mrs MICMAC.
I was really getting into the swing of it, when the look of mild amusement on my Dearests' face turned into shocked horror, as my cherubic son's face appeared above my left shoulder, and said "Hooray!! go faster Daddy!!"

I put a lock on the bedroom door that afternoon
(Mon 21st Apr 2008, 7:32, More)

» Tightwads

Revenge of the Bill Payer
I have never enjoyed talking on the phone, hate it in fact, but my two younger brothers (Steve & 'Detective' Des) took to the "wha y'doin?..naffin, wha y'doin...nowt. Wha y'doin after?.. school of phone usage like drugs to ravers. This was pre cellphone, so Dad stumped up for the Bill.

Anyhow, after another 250 quid quarterly bill from BT, my Dad snapped, and...

installed a payphone...
in the house....
in our front room!!

He soon figured that he could alter the time per pound rate, ramping it up so a quid lasted for a minute. So phone conversations for my Brothers became ..

Hi.. no!! SHUTTHEFUCKUP!! I'll see you in 20 at *beeepbeeepbeep* fuckfuckFUCKFUCK!!...DAAAAAAAD! (Steve puts another 10p in) "No Spooner SHUTTHEFUCKUP!! meet at Macdonalds in twenty.. Which one? The one in *beeepbeeepbeeep* fuckfuckFUCKINGCUNT!!"

This angst and frustration was just the ticket for my Dad. TV was replaced by watching the Brothers try and cram a 20 minute conversation into 10 seconds, made more difficult because they found it difficult to be heard over the sound of my Dad pissing himself laughing at them from the sofa.

We kept the payphone for a couple of years, my Dad still says its the most fun he ever had with us.
(Sun 26th Oct 2008, 5:55, More)

» Eccentrics

My dad, the SS officer
My Dad used to shout at us in German whenever he wanted us to do something/get a move on/shut up, he would scream "Achtung!! Raus!! Schnell!!!. This comes from watching too many war films I think, however, this little habit has passed down the line to me. Which has got me into trouble once or twice.

2am I am working (Radiographer...takes x-rays) back in the UK. Old fella comes into my room on a trolley, bit confused but physically OK, in for a Chest x-ray. "Please sit forward Sir...no response. Could you sit up Mate...Still nothing. Now I was tired as well, so i slipped into my youth and..."Hande Hoch....SCHNELL!!"

The poor old fella sat bolt upright, hands flew into the air...result!! obvoiusly this guy loved war films like me Dad!

So I put the film behind him and take the x-ray. breathing in wasn't a problem as he was breathing deeply. Lovely film, job done.

The problem came when I wanted to send him back to Casualty, I couldn't get him to put his hands down. i didn't know Hands down in German. "OK Sir, you can lower your hands...(Oh Shit) Please put your hands down..(buggerbuggershit)

So he goes back to Casualty, bolt upright with his hands raised. his daughter asked what happened, "Dunno (says I) he just sat upright when I got him into the room" "Oh, he must be reliving his youth, he was interned in Germany during WW2" "Oh...how terrible" said I, beating a hasty retreat.

Apparently he stayed like that for another hour or so.

Its all dads fault..I was only following my training.

Sorry old POW fella.
(Sat 1st Nov 2008, 20:02, More)

» Siblings

fun with anaesthetic
My Little Brother punched this guy out, from behind as he was trying to run away.

The guy deserved it, he was 3 years older than Dessie (who was 15), and trying to bully him.

Anyhow, Dessie broke his fist on this bloke, so has to go to hospital. Apparently the anaethatist was very pretty, awesomely beautiful with a kicking bod.

As dessie is coming round from "the gas and air" he looks up at her lovely face, said I like you, and pulls his knob out and has a wank. In front of my Catholic Mam, and 3 Nurses.

Apparently Mam was ineffectually swatting at his hand as, stoned of his skull, he tugged himself off.

What a star!!
(Tue 30th Dec 2008, 10:06, More)

» Siblings

Steve, and the true meaning of Christmas
Steve is a glass-half-empty kind of guy, and has always been like that. He was 5 or 6, and we were sitting in the front room on Christmas Day, feeling pretty good about the world, when he turns to me and says

"Christmas. That's it. Come and gone again"

With the kind of hangdog delivery that Tony Hancock would have been proud of.

My Dad nearly had an aneurysm he laughed so hard, whilst Steve scowled at him from the other side of the room.

What a gem.
(Tue 30th Dec 2008, 18:51, More)